KATHLEEN is sitting at a table at a restaurant

CHRIS is sitting at that same table, slowly unraveling

FRANNY is their server, and the timekeeper

KATHLEEN

We don’t have to do this.

CHRIS

I think it’s the right thing.

KATHLEEN

If it feels like the right thing…

CHRIS

It feels like giving up.   [pause]  I already miss your voice.

KATHLEEN

I already miss you too.

CHRIS

Every minute I spend listening to your voice adds a second to my life.

KATHLEEN

Even if it’s telling you we’re breaking up?

CHRIS

Even then.

KATHLEEN

Do you really want that? 

CHRIS

To break up?!  No, but –

KATHLEEN

More time at the end of your life?  When you’re old, probably in pain?

CHRIS

If I can remember what your voice sound like, it’ll be worth it.

KATHLEEN

Well, one alternative is that instead of all this, you hear my voice every day for the next 40 or 50 years.

CHRIS

It all seems so risky.

KATHLEEN

Of course.  I mean, I’d have to agree to hear your voice every day too.

JUSTIN

Mine is just a regular voice, though.  Should we try…

KATHLEEN

Well, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.

CHRIS

Does that mean we should take a shot at splitting up?  Or a shot at working things out?

FRANNY

[FRANNY has entered]  Have you decided yet?

CHRIS KATHLEEN

    I think we’re staying together. I think we’re breaking up.

FRANNY

I’ll give you guys a minute.

KATHLEEN

No, we’re ready.  I mean… we have to decide, right?

FRANNY

Your voice makes me wet.

KATHLEEN

What?

CHRIS

What?

FRANNY

What?

KATHLEEN

Did you say –

FRANNY

What can I get you.

KATHLEEN

How’s the chicken Marsala?

FRANNY

If you’re leaning towards breaking up, I’d go for something more neutral, like plain pasta.  When you go over every detail of this conversation every day for the next few months you’re not going to care about a wine reduction.

KATHLEEN

Thanks, but I can’t quite give up on enjoying things yet.  The Marsala sounds good, but I really hate mushrooms.

FRANNY

Hate them, like, you don’t like the taste?  Or hate them, like, they cheated on you with someone you introduced them to, who you always thought they had a crush on but they repeatedly denied it?

CHRIS

No –

KATHLEEN

No, it’s nothing like that, it’s just –

FRANNY

Hate them, like, they drive you crazy by being so emotionally needy, but not understanding the toll their emotional extremes take on you?

KATHLEEN

I just don’t like the texture, mostly. 

FRANNY

Well, you should know what they feel like by now.  You’ve known them for, what…?

CHRIS

It’ll be… it would be two years next month.  Can we just –

KATHLEEN

What about the sauce?

FRANNY

Oh, that’s just something they add for flavor.

KATHLEEN

But is it –

FRANNY

Is your concern that you won’t like the way it tastes?  Or is it that what I’d describe as salty, you’d call sweet, what I see is red you see as blue, that we’re each living on our own island, unable to truly share anything, and by ordering something else in a futile attempt to stave off loneliness, you’re letting the love of your life slip right through your fingers?

KATHLEEN

It’s just –

FRANNY

But by sticking with it you’re missing out on all sort of other great flavors?

KATHLEEN

I don’t –

FRANNY

Flavors that can truly understand you on a deeper level and accept you for all of your faults?

KATHLEEN

I’m concerned about both of those things, actually.

FRANNY

Well, the sauce tastes pretty good, that I know.  Is she always this indecisive?

CHRIS

There is not a thing in the world wrong with her.

KATHLEEN

Stop it.

CHRIS

She’s the best.

KATHLEEN

Stop it.  That’s not fair.

FRANNY

I’m sorry I asked.  I was just trying to move things along.

[There is a standoff.]

KATHLEEN

I’ll have the Marsala.

FRANNY

Great.   Would you like to pick a side.

KATHLEEN

(aside)  Pick a side?  (back to FRANNY)  I’m on my side!

CHRIS

I’m on your side too!

KATHLEEN

Stop it!

FRANNY

I’ll get to you in a second. 

CHRIS

Who are you? 

FRANNY

Just a minor character.  How about the mashed potatoes?  You’ll need carbohydrates to stay up all night crying.  [KATHLEEN nods]

FRANNY

What can I get you?

CHRIS

Does that mean…

FRANNY

Listen honey, you two are seriously thinking about splitting up.  That’s for real.  What’s true for her might not be true for you any more.  You really need to focus.  Let me just take your order so we can all get this over with.

CHRIS

[pulls out enormous piece of paper with the equation described below written out]  I’ll have the result of this regression equation, which assigns a certain weight to my general preferences, my current mood, the price, whether she’ll want to share it with me, the specialty of this restaurant, how close the animal or vegetable is to going extinct, my recent meals, and a small coefficient for the sound of the words. 

FRANNY

Very practical.

CHRIS

Yeah, I know.  She always tells me I’m too practical.

KATHLEEN

I’m right here!

FRANNY

Anything else with that?

KATHLEEN

I always thought it was cute when he was practical.

CHRIS

(checks watch) It’s not the past tense yet!

FRANNY

Oh, sir, I’ve run the equation and it turns out that we’re out of what you ordered.

CHRIS

Because lots of other people use the same equation?

FRANNY

Because it’s ridiculous that you’d think the world can accommodate your preferences.  I’ll put in an order of the Marsala for you too.  You might as well experience one last thing together.  [exits]

CHRIS

I miss sharing things with you.  But I can already feel the freedom.

KATHLEEN

That’s not nice.

CHRIS

I’m going to meet new people, do new things, take a step forward…

KATHLEEN

Am I already invisible to you?

CHRIS

No, not just me, you too!   You’ll be free.  No more wondering if I love you enough.  No more football games on Sunday.  No more waking up early!

KATHLEEN

I can live with those things.

CHRIS

But why should you have to?  You deserve someone who –

KATHLEEN

I don’t want someone who.

CHRIS

You deserve someone who won’t tell you that you deserve someone who’s just slightly better than he is in one specific way.

KATHLEEN

What?

FRANNY

Someone who won’t tell you that you deserve better.

CHRIS

But she does!  [FRANNY shrugs, exits]

KATHLEEN

We’re not just the sum of some strange collection of parts…

CHRIS

I love those parts.

KATHLEEN

I love you.  The whole.  Not just the good minus the bad.

CHRIS

I love you too, but –

KATHLEEN

Why do you love me?  Because we like the same TV shows?  The same restaurants?

CHRIS

No, I meant that’s fun but –

KATHLEEN

Because of this voice?  That people love for some reason?

CHRIS

Oh your voice.  But it’s more than –

KATHLEEN

Because of that funny thing I said on our second date? 

CHRIS

(That was really funny.  Can we just take a second and remember that?)

KATHLEEN

(Yeah.)  [Pause.  A moment between them.  This can take a while – that’s right everyone, a while – and should stand in contrast, pacing-wise, to this section.  And then, back to it:]

CHRIS

But no, it’s –

KATHLEEN

Because you like the way my hips look in those jeans? 

CHRIS

It’s not just –

KATHLEEN

Because of the way you know my hips actually are under those jeans?

CHRIS

I don’t have to explain why I love you.

KATHLEEN

You don’t have to explain why you don’t love me enough, either.

FRANNY

All this talk about love is just going to make things harder.  You may only have a few hours left as a couple, don’t you realize that? 

CHRIS

Why are you doing this?

FRANNY

Like I said, I’m just a small character in your lives.  I’m the waitress from the restaurant you went to the night you broke up.  I could have been played another role.  [to KATHLEEN]  I could’ve heard your voice from across the room freshman year of college, and decided I had to be friends with you.  [to CHRIS]  I could have met you 3 years ago at a friend’s party, made out with you in the kitchen.   But we’re here.  And the sooner you guys leave, the sooner I can go sit in my own allegorical restaurant, and deal with my own terrifying choices.

CHRIS

It’s not an allegory.  It’s just where we happen to be right now.  We always liked going out to eat.

FRANNY

Not an allegory.  Right.  Listen, we need this space for something else…

KATHLEEN

That did seem to go by a little fast.

CHRIS

It feels like we didn’t even get to eat anything.

KATHLEEN

Can you give us a few more minutes?

FRANNY

Sorry, we need the table.

CHRIS

Are there even people waiting for us?

FRANNY

That is the big question you’re asking, isn’t it?  It’s not just this table.  It’s every space you’ve ever occupied, every place you might go.  We have billions of people coming through.  As for whether they’re waiting for you…

JUSTIN

Don’t we have any more time to figure it out?

FRANNY

No.  You’re already over your allotted time.  And honestly, when you look back, you’ll realize how much time you wasted.

CHRIS

We’re not wasting time!  We’re doing the things that… we’re doing the things that life is made of…

FRANNY

Like eating dinner? 

KATHLEEN

Like breaking up? 

FRANNY

You’re running out of time.

KATHLEEN / CHRIS

I always thought you’d do amazing things.  But at some point you’re going to have to stop pretending and actually do them.

CHRIS

No, these ARE the things I want to be doing. /

KATHLEEN

[overlapping]  This is what I wanted to do.

FRANNY

Are they the things?  Or do they just represent the things?

KATHLEEN

Do we love each other, or things about each other?

CHRIS

I don’t know.  I can’t tell.

FRANNY

Well, you’ll have plenty of time to figure that out now.

CHRIS

Would you mind wrapping this up for me?

FRANNY

Sorry, you can only take what you can hold on to on the way out.

KATHLEEN

Goodbye sweetie.  Maybe I’ll run into you a few years from now.

CHRIS

Can I just hear you say that one more time?  Just to hear –

KATHLEEN

Goodbye sweetie.

CHRIS

Is it too late?  Is there any –

[blackout]

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