Directed by Anika Solveig

Featuring Tim Meehan, Allison Hunter Blackwell and Eden Nuendorf
Heidi is facing Helga who sits on a high platform.
HEIDI
Now is the Winter Games of my discontent, made sour by
the edicts of the Olympian Magistrate. Now as our
fingers freeze and ski boots pinch in the snowey fields
do we skate and ski, curl and luge. Flying, twirling
and sliding through the icey mounts. But I, that hath
no represented sport, do hereby exclaim; Fie! Fie! thou
churlish officiates! How darest thou shun the flight
and fury of the greatest sport to ever grace the white
and pow’dry fluff.
Henrik enters carrying a broom.

HENRIK
Thou Stony, crass and heartless lout! carest thou not
for the illustrious adjucation of the Olympic tomes?
Thou art a snowpanted dolt! Runneth thy gob elstwhere!

HEIDI
Nay, thou coarse and brutish swine. In what contest
dost thou partake?

HENRIK
I, madame, am a curler.

HEIDI
Ist thou joking? My tressles could use a coif!

HELGA
(heavy Russian Accent)
Vat the fuck are you talking about?!
HENRIK
No need to get personal! I’m on your side.
HELGA
I vasn’t talking about vich side of the curtain you
stand; what kind of Chush are you speaking?
HEIDI
I was doing a simple Shakespearian soliloquy to point
out, oh great Commiczar, that the Olympic committee
refuses to recognize my sport. We’ve got every kind of
sledding, skiing and skating possible not to mention
curling for gods sake! Dese games are time honored tradition!

HENRIK
And don’t dis the curlers… we’re a rare breed.

HEIDI
That’s an understatement.

HENRIK
Hey, I come from a long line of curlers, my father,
Grandfather and my Great Grandmother Helga.

HELGA
This is my name!

HENRIK
Really? Nice to meet you, Helga, baby.
She is smitten.

HELGA
Vi ToJe.

HEIDI
Just look at all of the other winter sports; action,
movement, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat.
All you guys do is push a big rock around on the ice.
And, you look ridiculous with your little brooms.

HELGA
Dere is more to dis dan dat. Skill, Strategy…

HENRIK
…Knowing the trudge of the ice…

HEIDI & HELGA
Trudge?

HENRIK
Yeah, you know, how slippery… or un-slippery the ice
is.

HEIDI
You call it Trudge?

HENRIK
Alright, I made that up. The point is curling is a
sport.

HEIDI
So is mine! Vat is dis sport?

HEIDI
{with great pomp} Snow Angeling!

HENRIK
As in; making snow angels?

HEIDI
That’s right.

HENRIK
You’re shitting me.

HELGA
Vat is “Snow Angel”?

HENRIK
Sneg anyell
(Both Henrik and Helga burst out laughing.)

HEIDI
Have you ever tried it?

HENRIK
Yeah, when I was six!

HEIDI
Did you win?

HENRIK
I wasn’t trying to win… it’s not a sport!

HEIDI
And curling is?!

HENRIK
Curling was included in the program of the inaugural
Winter Olympic Games in 1924 in Chamonix.

HEIDI
Yes, but then it didn’t show up until 1932 (for one
lonely year) and then not again until 1988.

HENRIK
So?

HEIDI
So, Snow Angeling is as artistic as Ice Dancing or
boarding the half pipe. (to Helga) Think of it; Sochi
could be the starting place for a new sport! The
Russian people could make their mark on history the way
the Canadians made their mark with curling!

HENRIK
Oohhh, you had to play the Canook card, didn’t you?

HELGA
But this takes no skill. You just lie on your Nazad and
flap arms and legs!

HEIDI
Look, it’s not the meat it’s the motion!

HENRIK
I don’t even know what that means!

HEIDI
It means that anyone can make a Snow Angel; just like
anyone can push a granite stone across the ice or learn
to ski or skate. But a true artist knows how to find
the spaces between the flakes and make a thing of
beauty faster than the average Snow Angeler.

HELGA
I am being impressed.

HEIDI
What do you have against it anyway?!

HENRIK
Nothing!!

HEIDI
Oh, I think it’s something!!

HENRIK
NOTHING!!!

HELGA
Come now, Curly boy; don’t be a kiska. Tell her!

HENRIK
ALRIGHT! I’ll tell you! (pause) My sister was killed by
a Snow Angel!

HEIDI & HELGA
What?!

HENRIK
The snow was too deep. She was flapping her arms too
fast and the snow covered her face and she suffocated.
Oh my God, she was Smorffed?

HENRIK
You call it getting Smorffed?

HEIDI
Okay, I made that up. But, tragedies like that are very
rare. More people die from skiing accidents than by…
smorffing. I’m sorry for your loss, but a little danger
is no reason to deny all those hopeful Snow Angelers
out there from fulfilling their dreams. Look, why don’t
you try it? There’s nothing like the thrill of making a
perfect Angel.

HELGA
I vill vatch this contest to make determination based
on outcome.
(Heidi takes Henrik’s hand and starts to slowly
pull him to the floor.)

HENRIK
I’m afraid…

HEIDI
Relax… Become one with the snow.
He lies down on his back and Heidi lies next to
him. Helga pulls out a stopwatch. She waits a
second for them to get set, then she makes the
traditional three lower pitched beeps followed by
a higher pitched beep used to start Alpine Skiing
races and clicks the stop watch.

HELGA
Boop, Boop, Boop, Beep!
(Heidi and Henrik start slowly flapping their arms
and legs.)

HENRIK
Oh my God! This is the absolute best!

HEIDI
I am so gonna kick your ass.
(She starts speeding up in a fierce competition.
Helga keeps time as Henrik tries to keep up and
the lights fade.)

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