Directed by Joe Napoli Jr
Featuring Carmen Yvette, Nicole Slovinec and Jessica Risco
Setting: Abandoned warehouse. Cold, dark, damp, and breezy. Windows are at the audience, block with “torch” on it is stage center.
Synopsis: Two friends and an idiot have taken the olympic torch hostage. They are at the tail end of negotiations after days of trying to keep the torch lit and their hopes of a payday alive. Tensions are high.
Harley: (Brains) Quick witted and methodical. She’s been undercover posing as an elite curler for years leading up to this.
Jesse (Brawn): Childhood friend and old lover of Harley.
Max (Idiot): Heart of gold, and happy-go-lucky who responded to an add off of craigslist. And is polite, Canadian, and a psychopathic killer?
[Open on guns firing. Jesse and Harley are using pantomimed guns and making “pew pew” sounds, tensions are high]
Fuck you pigs! We’re gonna eat your souls!
Yeah, you want some! Come get some!
Max (peeking out from behind the torch and walking over to the windows):
Pigs!? Haha, no no no those are people, like people people.
Harley (stepping away from windows):
Max, seriously, just shut the fuck up. And close the windows. If the Olympic torch goes out, we’re not getting shit for ransom.
And if we catch you trying to roast s’mores by torch-light again, you’re out. I mean it this time.
Hey Max. Do me a favor and ear muff it for a sec will yuh?
Ooooo. FUN! Now it’s just me and the voices!
[Max places hands over ears and begins to hum a tune]
Harley (to Jesse):
Hey.. Where did you find this idiot?
I put an ad up..
Okayyy..Where did you put an ad up?
No no no hear me out. Listen to this; you’ll love it.
[Jesse takes out a napkin from her pocket and reads the ad]
“Seeking fellow criminally insane mastermind for plot to change the course of human history. Must have own blueprints and night vision goggles. Must have working knowledge of all shark species. Lock picking skills and silencer gun a plus.”
Max! (Waving at Max) MAX!
Yes sir, ma’am, sir. Yes..(endearing) you (playful punch)
The windows Max, close the fucking windows.
Harley [sighs, looks at Jesse, who waves him on]:
Max, what do you know about sharks?
Max [closing windows, still lightly humming, and says softly]:
Oh that’s 3 T’s. Are you ready to solve or do you want to spin again?
[Realizing Harley just asked a question]
Well, they aren’t to be trusted. And they have 1,200 teeth Om Nom nom nom
… And they’re great for disposing of the body!
Wait, what? No no, Max. Harley wants to know why I hired you.
I’ve always liked the way the word murderer rolls off my tongue. AND I am NOT afraid of glitter. (mouthing mur-der-er)
[Phone rings – as in, Jesse makes ringing noise]
[one hand held as gun; one hand as phone]
Here, Max, hold this
Ok! [Jesse tosses gun; Max fumbles for it.] Ah fack!
[All three watch it tumble offstage right into the wings.]
Hey Max, would ya maybe wanna go get that gun please?
Max (Headed off stage right):
Oh I love this game!
Jesse [clears throat; says into phone]:
We’ve got our number for the ransom. You ready to write this down, asshole?
Harley [grabs phone – as in, holds hand as phone with other hand over pinkie/receiver]:
In what what? A bag? I’m more of a briefcases kinda gal.
No! In what currency!? We haven’t even decided. Yen? Gold bullion? Non sequential, unmarked monopoly bills?
[Enter Max stage right]
Can we get it in beanie babies? (dead serious) And make sure they still have the tags on or NO DICE!”
..Max.. Did yuh get that gun yet? (feigning a smile)
[Max runs offstage right]
Harley (puts phone up to her ear)
Shit, they hung up! They fucking hung up! Jesus Jesse, what have we done!? I mean..6 years undercover in the obscure yet internationally famous sport known as curling? … I HATE curling!
Yeah, why do they need the ice so clean?
FUCK! I DON’T KNOW!
[Jesse grabs Harley and presses her to her chest in an over the top nuzzle]
HEY! Heyyyyy! Shhhhh. We can’t give up now, we’ve come too far. Remember what this is all for, okay. So we can retire and open up our own shop.
Tell me again. It sounds so magical when I hear you tell me about it.
So we can open up a shop that makes custom watches for cats.
And that little jingle we came up with..
Haha that little thing, wow we were so full of hope.
Sing it to me Jesse..
These watches aren’t for me, these watches aren’t for you. Cat watches, because cats need watches too. Meow meow meow meow meow yes they do.
Max (from off stage left, yelling and affecting a police chief voice):
(Everyone else trying to match the instructions)
Alright, this is the police chief! We’ve got the place surrounded. There’s nowhere to go! Come out with your hands up and the torch still lit! And in front of you. And the torch lit and out, but the other hand up. Okay, everyone without a torch, put your hands all the way up, and the one with the torch, hold the torch, extended away and in front of the body. Yes. That last one! Also we have a lot of guns.. and bullets!!
[Enter Max now covered in blood and carrying a baseball bat with a police cap on the end of it from stage left]
Wow, there are a TON of police out there! They’re all, like, lying down now..It must be my birthday or something!
No Max, it’s over. We’re done.
Jesse, I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted to give cats the gift of time.
I know, I know. They’re late for everything.
Guys, guys, what’s wrong with you? We did it. This is my theory of relativity! My swan song! My light from yonder window.
Max is right! Fuck it, let’s go out guns blazing! At least we’re still together, right? (tearing up a bit)
(Harley and Jesse embrace, Max crosses slowly and hugs them both from behind)
You guys? This…
Don’t say it!
This is the absolute best. We should all go camping sometime.
[Harley and Jesse smile and embrace the group hug more]
[Max perks up from the hug, slowly leans over to the torch and blows it out]
[Hard black out]