Directed by Jon Wai-keung Lowe

Featuring Leon Goertzen, Sally Dana and Rinabeth Apostol
Players:
Pam Tindale – Woman, 20’s, ice dancer.
Warren Lee – Man, 20’s, ice dancer.
Ivanya Ivanovna – Woman, 40’s, official Russian handler.

Setting:
Pam and Warren’s room, Olympic Village, Sochi, Russia.
On a table there is a bottle of vodka and three glasses.
(Pam and Warren enter with suitcases.)

WARREN
Great. A single bed.
PAM
At least we don’t have to sleep in bunks like in Vancouver.
WARREN
I hate it when people assume we’re a couple. It’s not like I butch it up in public.
PAM
Aren’t you even a little excited to be here? Such a charming room. And look, they left us
vodka!
WARREN
You know how I feel about this place.
PAM
Keep your feelings to yourself, okay? We can’t afford bad press.
(Ivanya Ivanovna enters.)
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Greetings, proficient skaters from America! Welcome to Mother Russia!
(seeing them)
I must have wrong room. I am wanting American ice dancing team of Tindale and Lee.
WARREN
That’s us.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Impossible! You are Chinese.
PAM
Asian American, actually. I’m Pam. What’s your name?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
You are not imposters from People’s Republic?
WARREN
Excuse me, who are you exactly?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Ivanya Ivanovna at your service. Official government handler for ice dancing team of
Tindale and Lee.
WARREN
We don’t need a handler.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Every athlete needing handler. For translation, directions around Olympic Village, sexual
favors. As you see, I already making myself useful: vodka for room.
PAM
Sexual favors?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
(raising bottle)
This is the absolute best!
WARREN
We can’t drink vodka.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
You are alcoholic?
WARREN
We’re in training.
PAM
Tell us more about the sexual favors.
WARREN
Look, we appreciate the welcome, but we are very tired from the trip. We have practice this
afternoon and qualifying rounds tomorrow.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Your teammate talking like hairdresser.
WARREN
Excuse me, what are you insinuating?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
I am insinuating you are homosexual. It is not a problem. Benevolent leader Putin has
sanctioned sexual perversion inside Olympic Village.
WARREN
Did you say perversion?!
PAM
Let it go, Warren. It’s just the language barrier.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Now, let us drink alcohol and remove clothing!
WARREN
Is this a practical joke?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
It is local custom.
PAM
Oh, well. When in Rome.
(She starts to get undressed.)
WARREN
No! Can’t you see what she’s doing?
PAM
She’s being hospitable.
WARREN
She’s plying us with vodka before our qualifying round.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Old Russian saying: “The more vodka you drink, the better you perform in qualifying
round.”
WARREN
That’s not a saying!
PAM
We can leave the vodka part out of it. Do the clothing removal thing.
WARREN
You need to stay focussed.
PAM
We don’t need to be at practice for hours. You know how long it’s been for me?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Since removing clothing? You are also from agricultural community?
PAM
Have you ever been with a woman?
IVANYA IVANOVNA
I have been with female farm animals.
PAM
You are unusually manly for a woman.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
It is Russian thing. In my village girls must drink bull semen for manliness.
WARREN
That’s it. I’ve had enough! Get out!
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Please do not forcing Ivanya to leave. If I fail to welcoming you properly I will be sent to
Gulag.
WARREN
And by “welcome properly” you mean get us to blow our game so the Russian team wins.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
You will not regret it. Ivanya knows oral techniques learned from grandfather.
WARREN
That’s disgusting. You’re disgusting!
IVANYA IVANOVNA
It is true! I am lower than worm!
(She swigs vodka.)
4.
PAM
Now you’ve hurt her feelings.
WARREN
I hate Russians.
PAM
Warren!
IVANYA IVANOVNA
You have much in common with us. We hate ourselves.
WARREN
Bunch of backward, round-headed peasants.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
We are round-headed peasants, it is true; but we are not backward. Benevolent leader Putin
releasing degenerate punk band Pussy Riot.
WARREN
A publicity stunt for the winter games. We know what kind of country Russia really is.
PAM
He’s tired. He doesn’t know what he’s saying.
WARREN
I know exactly what I’m saying! Russia is a corrupt, repressive, anti-gay piece-of-shit
mafia state! You think I want to be here? After what happened to my partner? And now all
the terrorist threats? I’d rather be in Somalia. I’m here for this woman and for the US team.
That’s it. As soon as I’m done, it’s dos vidanya, homophobic mutherfuckers!
IVANYA IVANOVNA
What happened to partner?
WARREN
I don’t want to talk about it.
(Warren grabs the vodka bottle, swigs from it.)
PAM
He was in St. Petersburg on business. Arrested in a gay bar sweep. It was a nightmare for
both of them.
IVANYA IVANOVNA
I understanding. My uncle Vladia was three years in Gulag for putting penis in glory hole
in Vladivastock truck stop. It is true what you say: this country is horrible. Russian
government is nightmare. But Russian people are good. You must not let repressive society
getting you down! You must do what Russians doing for many years to deal with horror
of life here.
WARREN
Drink?
(He starts to take another swig. She grabs it from him.)
IVANYA IVANOVNA
Win gold medals. Get skates ready. Ivanya till taking you to practice rink.
PAM
But first can you show us that oral technique?
END OF PLAY

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