Directed by Melissa Haines
Featuring Christian Haines, Andre Abrahamians and Anika Solveig
Characters:
GUY 1: Andre Abrahamians – Male – 20s – Madly in love with BOUNCER
GUY 2: Christian Haines – Male – 20s – Madly in love with BOUNCER
BOUNCER: Anika Solveig – Female – 20s – Dressed like a badass motorcycle chick with eyeliner and leather – Could give two shits
MANAGER: Male voice from off stage.
SUB: Male who takes over for BOUNCER during her break. Not a speaking part
Setting:
GUYS 1 and 2 stand next to each other, center stage, speaking to the audience. BOUNCER sits on a tall stool slightly behind them at stage right, looking bored and sometimes pantomiming checking the odd ID with a small flashlight. She is wearing a jacket with a zipper with which she futzes from time to time.
GUY 1
She is the air I breathe.
GUY 2
She is the light by which I see.
GUY 1
She is the promise of morning that allays the bitter night.
GUY 2
A pigeon once lay dying on the sidewalk and with but one dazzling look from her electric eye, she revived the helpless creature, and it flew off into a destiny all the more beautiful because she had made it so.
GUY 1
She burns with a radiance that outshines all the stars of mortal night.
GUY 2
And her name is Jessica.
Beat
GUY 1
(looking confusedly at GUY 2)
Rachel?
GUY 2
(looking at GUY 1)
Alice?
GUY 1
Roxanne.
GUY 2
Elizabeth?
GUY 1
(Said triumphantly to the audience)
Esmeralda!
Beat
GUY 2
Sure thing, Quasimodo.
GUY 1
(Recovering)
We do not know her name.
GUY 2
Nor do we know from whence this angel came.
GUY 1
But we do know that she is…
GUY 1 & GUY 2
The Tuesday and Thursday bouncer at Joey’s Grease Pit Tavern.
GUYS 1 and 2 indicate simultaneously to BOUNCER with their left arms out as though welcoming an honored guest to the stage.
BOUNCER
(Pantomiming rejecting an ID)
Get the fuck out’a here!
GUY 2
With a voice like falling snow.
GUYS 1 and 2 step into the imaginary line of people moving toward BOUNCER
GUY 1
It is here that we assemble on our Tuesday—Thursday Sabbath to worship the goddess of the grease pit.
GUY 2
To pour a libation of two dollar Tecate,
GUY 1
And a pickle back shot of some unnamed whisky,
GUY 2
To that Angel, of whose beauty every siren sings in the San Francisco night.
GUY 1 & GUY 2
(imitating siren sound using the word “Bouncer”)
Boooown—ceeeeer, Boooown—ceeeeer, Boooown—ceeeeer!
GUYS 1 and 2 have reached the front of the line and stop their sound abruptly when they realize she is looking at them.
GUY 1
(Hands BOUNCER his ID)
It’s fake, you’ll have to detain me.
BOUNCER
Hologram’s right. How old are you?
GUY 1
BOUNCER
What year were you born?
GUY 1
1990.
BOUNCER
Great, you’re the oldest nineteen-year-old on earth. This is real.
GUY 1
(Rushing nervously through the following line)
You are fire and air and you burn with a radiance that outshines all the stars of mortal night.
BOUNCER
(Like she’s ready to bite his head off)
Excuse me?
GUY 1
(Dramatically with William Shatner cadence)
Nothing. I was…just kidding.
BOUNCER takes GUY 1 by the arm and hurls him into the bar.
BOUNCER
Get in there.
GUY 1 stands on the opposite side of the stool staring at her, touching the place on his arm that she touched as though preparing never to wash it again.
GUY 2 approaches BOUNCER and hands her his ID, she looks at it, looks at him, and nods.
GUY 2
I noticed your zipper is stuck.
BOUNCER
Yeah, it is.
GUY 2
(Producing mentioned items from his pocket)
You know, I would be happy to fix it for you using this pencil and this petroleum jelly. If only I could…
GUY 2 reaches for zipper, but BOUNCER does some amazing Karate move that flips him onto his back.
BOUNCER
If you touch me I will fucking kill you.
GUY 2 runs into club and cowers behind GUY 1, staring at BOUNCER in fear and admiration.
MANAGER
(Male offstage voice yells)
Juliet!
BOUNCER
What!?
GUYS 1 and 2 sigh audibly upon learning that this is her name. BOUNCER looks at them accusatorily and they immediately look away, pretending to do something else.
MANAGER
You’re on break. Get yourself a Ruben for Christ sake, your too fuckin’ skinny.
BOUNCER
Yeah suck it Marty.
BOUNCER looks at her watch and gets up from stool.
Enter SUB, to whom BOUNCER hands her flashlight. SUB sits on stool, holding flashlight and doing nothing for the rest of the play. BOUNCER walks around to the front of the stage and eventually lights a cigarette.
GUYS 1 and 2 follow, saying the following, and coming to rest at the end of their speech behind an imaginary bush near her, spying.
GUY 1
We dream of the day that she will take us home with her,
GUY 2
Of the wounds we’ll sustain, which we’ll wear as pearls.
GUY 1
Of that Hell’s Angel’s
GUY 2
(Argumentatively to GUY 2)
Crust punk!
GUY 1
Of that Den of beautiful iniquity.
GUYS 1 & 2 reach the bush.
GUY 1 leads the way, parting the leaves as GUY 2 speaks
GUY 2
We dream of the marks on our backs as we are all three ravaged against the mufflers and axels of various two wheeled-machines.
BOUNCER takes a phone out of her pocket and dials, looking quickly at her watch and then straight ahead into the audience.
Over the course of the following phone conversation GUYS 1 and 2 move silently through a large rage of emotion.
BOUNCER
(Speaking into the phone)
Hi Jen…Yeah, I thought I’d say good night. Thanks…
(Voice changes as she begins to speak to a child)
Hi honey! You having fun with Jenny? … You did? Wow! How high? That’s amazing….Oh, oh it’s okay, I’m sure Sebastian will eat them off the rug. … Mm hmm, mm hmm…nice! So are you in your PJs? …The fire truck pants, this is a special night. … No… I…I haven’t since you were born….
(Stamping out cigarette guiltily)
There’s a campfire—at work. … No…Hold your horses buddy, you’re not a cub scout yet. … Alright, alright. Bedtime you. I love you so much it’s disgusting. … Sure, why not. Pancakes it is. Now give the phone back to Jenny. Mwah! …
(Returns to speaking to an adult)
Thanks Jen…Oh, he’ll do it if it’s the blue floss. Yeah second, shelf…Probably around 2:00. Mmm hmm…see you then.
BOUNCER hangs up the call and puts phone back in her pocket.
GUYS 1 and 2 stare up at her, frozen, mouths agape.
BOUNCER meets the eyes of GUYS 1 and 2 and slowly paces over to them.
BOUNCER bends slightly, still towering over GUYS 1 and 2, parts the branches of the bush, and makes a loud, scary noise like “Boo!”
GUYS 1 and 2 run screaming off stage.
Exit GUY 1 & GUY 2
BOUNCER smiles as she watches them run, then turns to the audience and shrugs her shoulders, still smiling.
LIGHTS OUT
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 