Directed by Bertil Christianson

Featuring Aeron Macintyre, Michael Catlett and Tim Meehan

Three Canadian guys limp into a bar. Each of them is wearing men’s
clothing and high heels. They find the nearest chairs, kick off their
shoes and tend to their aching feet.
ALEX
This is totally worth it. What an empowering event.
DOUG
Yeah, tell that to my bunions.
GORDON
It must take a woman’s strength to endure the pain of high heels
DOUG
You got that right! And some of them even wear those, what do call
them- stilt-ettos?
GORDON
Stilettos.
DOUG
That’s it. Those things are like medieval torture devices. They look
pretty sexy though, eh?
ALEX
You’re completely missing the point of the walk! It’s not about shoes,
it’s about raising awareness.
GORDON
And money. We hustled for months to meet our fundraising goal.
ALEX
That’s part of it. But it’s more important to have empathy for women
and to understand the challenges they face, far beyond the risk of
breaking a heel. We need to address the aggressive sexualization of
women so we can help put an end to it. We must stand in solidarity of –
DOUG
Here we go again! I’ve had enough of your speeches to last a lifetime,
you feMANist!
ALEX
How dare you insert my manhood into that word! I’m an equity feminist
and proud of it, hoser!
GORDON
Settle down, guys. We’re supposed to be celebrating. The three of us
raised more money for the cause than any other team. We even got
Tim Horton’s to sponsor us. Come on, how about I buy us a round of
drinks? What’ll you have?
ALEX
Thank you for reminding me to focus what we accomplished, in spite of
our differences, Gordon. I’ll take a coffee, please, with maple syrup.
DOUG
I’ll have a Crown Royal, on the rocks.
Gordon exits. There is a moment of silent tension before Doug speaks.
DOUG
Listen, now that this over, I gotta come clean with you. I only did
the walk to get in good with Susan. She seems like she’s into the
sensitive type. I think it worked too. She’s gonna meet up with us
in a little while.
ALEX
You are a pig to use the women’s movement as a means to sleeping
with our colleague.
DOUG
Hey, I’m not trying to give her the sticky flapjack. Not yet, anyway. I
want to get to know her better first.
ALEX
Sure you do! And manipulation is such a great way to start a
relationship. I can’t believe I let a closet misogynist join my
fundraising team.
DOUG
I love women! I’m more into massages that misogyny, buddy. I’m just not
a liberal extremist like you.
ALEX
I doubt you have the slightest comprehension of what some women deal
with on a daily basis. You’re not strong enough to truly walk a mile in
their shoes.
DOUG
I’m as strong as any female. You don’t know anything about where I came
from. I used to be so poor I didn’t have a pot to piss in or a window
to – what are doing?
Alex has locked his gaze on Doug’s crotch.
ALEX
I’m just listening. Please go on. You were saying something about
your difficult past, I believe.
DOUG
Stop it! I can’t hold a conversation with you leering at me like
that!
Doug crosses his legs. Gordon returns with the drinks.
GORDON
Here you go, guys. Careful with the coffee, Alex. It’s piping hot.
ALEX
(still starting at Doug’s crotch) Thanks so much.
DOUG
Gordon, tell Alex to stop!
GORDON
What’s going on?
ALEX
Just trying to teach Doug a little lesson.
GORDON
(amused) Are you gonna keep this up when we get back to work Monday?
DOUG
I’ll file a sexual harassment claim!
GORDON
How about a toast – to the women of the Canada!
DOUG
I’ll second that.
ALEX
Fantastic.
They clink glasses. Alex, his crotch level gaze unwavering, tries to
sip his coffee but finds it’s too hot. Doug downs his drink in one
gulp, pops a piece of ice in his mouth and starts sucking on it.
GORDON
Susan’s gonna be stopping by in a bit.
ALEX
So, I’ve heard.
GORDON
Yeah, she’s bringing Jill. I can’t wait to meet her.
ALEX
Jill?
GORDON
Her partner. They just met but already Susan thinks she the one.
Doug begins choking on the ice cube in a very dramatic fashion.
GORDON
Shit! He’s choking on an ice cube! I don’t know the Heimlich maneuver!
ALEX
Me either but if we pour this scalding coffee down his throat,
it will melt the ice! Hold his head still!
Doug vehemently shakes his head. Gordon tries to hold on to him as he
struggles to get away. Alex brings the coffee toward them.
GORDON
I’m not sure about this! He’s resisting!
ALEX
We’ll just have to force him then! It’s for his own good!
Doug breaks away and tries to gives himself the Heimlich.
After a few seconds, he swallows the ice with a gulp.
DOUG
(catching his breath) Where the hell did you get such a dumb idea?!
ALEX
I saw it on a list of life hacks. Although, now that I think about
it, it was probably a parody list.
DOUG
You were gonna force that coffee down my throat whether I wanted it
or not!
ALEX
Well, now you know what it’s like to have a man make a decision on your
behalf and agains your will. Another lesson learned.
DOUG
I am sick of you and your lessons! I’m outta here!
Doug storms out.
GORDON
Were you really gonna throw hot coffee in his face?
ALEX
Nah. I knew the ice would melt enough for him to swallow it. Same
thing happened to my cousin. I’m glad he left before Susan and
Jill got here.
GORDON
Jill doesn’t exist, actually. I was just kidding. I wanted to get a
rise out of Doug but he really exceeded my expectations.
ALEX
Did you know he only did the walk to impress Susan?
GORDON
I picked up on it a while back.
ALEX
Why didn’t you say anything?
GORDON
Our team benefited from it. For all his faults, Doug is pretty damn
good at fundraising.
ALEX
That’s true. He helped the cause, even if he didn’t really care about
it. Do you think she’s interested in him?
GORDON
Not one bit. She said he landed in the friend zone the day they met.
ALEX
I knew she had better taste than that.
GORDON
Yeah, that guy is such a douche bag.
ALEX
You know how I feel about that term, Gordon.
GORDON
I mean, he’s such…unenlightened vermin.
ALEX
Much better.
Fade to black.

Advertisement