Directed by Mary Ann Rodgers

Featuring Eden Neuendorf and Nicole Slovinec

A petshop.

HILLARY
Looking for something in particular?
AGATHA
Yeah, I’ve got a new puppy. She’s huge, Bernese Mountain Dog. That’s her, outside.
HILLARY
So cute!
AGATHA
Cute but powerful. When we walk, she’s yanking my arm. I think she’s going to break the leash. I need a strong female lead.

Hillary shows a wall full of options.

HILLARY
These are our strongest leads.
AGATHA
Oh, wow, quite a variety.
HILLARY
Now there is, thank God. Used to be we only had your standard male lead. Then when they started marketing for females they just made these weak pink things.
AGATHA
Weird. Aren’t dogs color-blind?
HILLARY
Yup. Totally silly. So anyway, the manufacturers make these weak, skinny pink leads for females for years and all sorts of leads for males. Eventually, folks got fed up with their Husky females being ignored, so they switched to making only strong female leads.
AGATHA
But, wait, not all females are strong.
HILLARY
Right. There were some uncomfortable looking chihuahuas at the park. Wee little hind legs rising off the ground due to the weight of their huge collar.
AGATHA
Poor girls.
HILLARY
Some of them got loose. Ran off.
AGATHA
People must have gotten angry.
HILLARY
Yeah, it was havoc, they let slip the dogs of war.
AGATHA
Didn’t the owners complain? Write letters?
HILLARY
Sure, but they always got the same response. “It’s not faulty merchandise. They sell so well. You’re too sensitive. If you’re having girl problems, I feel bad for you, hon.”
AGATHA
“I’ve got 99 problems…” They’re just over-compensating.
HILLARY
Totes. Anyway, for a while we just boycotted. Then we took to the streets, used whatever we could find. Rope…
AGATHA
You can use rope?
HILLARY
Oh, hell, yes. You don’t need someone to create a great lead for you, you can make your own leads.
AGATHA
I never would have thought of that.
HILLARY
The power is never in the lead but in the consumers. People got very creative when confronted with a lack of representation.

Agatha points to a lead.

AGATHA
So would that one be a female lead or a male lead?
HILLARY
Well, I think a lead is a lead.
AGATHA
No. Wait. Bullshit. I agree on the needing different strengths of leads, but there are differences between males and females. Inherent differences.
HILLARY
Yes, and we should celebrate those differences! But why should leads be defined by their sex? There’s room for all kinds of leads. All different shapes, colors, sizes.
AGATHA
Oh, for God’s sake, here we go…
HILLARY
Well, can you imagine a weak male lead?
AGATHA
I’ve never thought about it.

STOP
HILLARY
My friend has a whippet named Hamlet. Spends hours
deciding whether to pee or not to pee.
AGATHA
Okay, fine, he’s perfect for a weak male lead.
HILLARY
Right. Or just a weak lead period. I mean, Hamlet is
no Great Dane, but he’s not weak because he’s
male. And your Bernese puppy is strong. What’s her
name?
AGATHA
Clytemnestra.
Beat. They both look out the window. They both
wince as if Clytemnestra did something scary.
HILLARY
She’s a strong lead. You say she’s dragging you
around?
AGATHA
My arm is killing me. She won’t go to this one
park. Ever.
HILLARY
Which park?
AGATHA
Troy.
HILLARY
Maybe she’s right.
AGATHA
Are you suggesting I’m a bad owner?
HILLARY
No! But maybe the other dogs there are
hostile. Territorial. Or maybe she’s afraid of
horses.
AGATHA
So I’m supposed to let her dictate our routine? Um,
no. Troy is the nearest park. I just need a strong
female lead.
HILLARY
You just need a strong lead. Let’s say you bought a
male lead before you picked your pet. But you just
fell in love with this female dog. Why can’t you use
the same lead? Instead of calling it “his” lead, you
just call it “her” lead. Switch some pronouns.
AGATHA
Because it’s a slippery slope. I’m sick of having to
be so damn careful in my pronoun usage. So terrified
of offending people that I can’t frickin’ communicate.
What we do has worked for centuries. Next people will
want cat leads, pet rat leads, iguana leads…
HILLARY
Yup.
She gestures to another section.
And we’ll sell them. As long as there’s a market, why
not?
AGATHA
No way. I was just kidding when I said iguana
lead. There are seriously iguana leads?
HILLARY
Of course. I haven’t sold a ton of iguana leads so
far. But someday they’ll be just as normal as dog
leads.
AGATHA
No they won’t. I’m sorry, but no. That’s just
ridiculous. Can you imagine someone saying, “I’m
taking Iggy for a walk at the reptile park?”
HILLARY
Why not?
AGATHA
It’s unnatural.
HILLARY
Having pets is unnatural. Domesticating animals is a
uniquely human phenomenon. Why is having a reptile any
weirder than having a dog?
AGATHA
Okay, look, I know people love their iguanas. I have
no moral problem with owning an iguana. My neighbor
has one. But he doesn’t parade it in public.
HILLARY
Why should your neighbor have to keep his iguana
indoors when you and Clytemnestra are free to be out?
AGATHA
Jesus. Next you’ll be complaining about
mutt-shaming. Don’t you think you’re taking “Petical
Correctness” to a ridiculous extreme?
HILLARY
Hell no! I think the first person to request an iguana
lead was pretty brave. And I think when an iguana
owner sees someone walking their iguana-
AGATHA
They will still decide to keep their iguana at home
where it belongs!
HILLARY
Maybe. But if they have secretly always wanted to walk
their iguana, they may not know it’s possible until
they see an iguana lead!
AGATHA
I didn’t come in here for a lecture. I’ve got to feed
my meter, so can I just take your strongest non-judgy
gender-neutral or gender-fluid or whatever lead?
HILLARY
Fine. Here. May I give Clytemnestra a treat?
AGATHA
Oh, sure. Give that bitch a cookie. Bitches love
cookies.

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