Directed by Melissa Haines

Featuring Christian Whitaker, Christian Haines, Michael Catlett & Nina Jordan
CHARACTERS
AIDEN: Fast-talking lawyer, In love with Eva
EVA: Hippie, in love with Tatus and Aiden
TATUS: Cult leader, In love with Eva, Aiden and himself.
PRIEST: High Priest of cult, never been in love.
EVA is in deep focus doing a
handstand/yoga pose on a yoga mat.
AIDEN sneaks on stage suspiciously.
AIDEN
(whisper)
Hey. Eva. Eva! (yell) EVA!
EVA is awoken.
EVA
Aiden, what are you doing here?
AIDEN
I’m here to rescue my girlfriend.
EVA
But I’m doing yoga.
AIDEN
Listen to me, first you move out of my apartment, second you
leave my nanna’s Holocaust ring on the counter, BUT THEN you
leave your iPHONE! What are you #fuckingnuts?
EVA
It looks as if your spirituality needs cleansing brother.
AIDEN
What are you paraphrasing Jesus now? Who says that?
EVA
Master Tatus. He says it every morning before sun salutes.
AIDEN
I’m pretty sure it was Jesus, but let me check my Bible app-
EVA
Matthew 7:3. Verse B.
AIDEN
Yah, see I love that about you, come on, we can do trivia on
the way home in the car. Wait a second. Who’s Master Tatus?
EVA
My fiance.
AIDEN
If this is about me not proposing, you know I distinctly
said…someday. Listen, I went to visit a yogi guru in Tibet.
EVA
Was it Guru Vajany or Guru Chadrak?
AIDEN
Yeah…no I lied I didn’t really go to Tibet. But this
article I read on buzzfeed about Tibet that said that yogi’s
teach a philosophy, Hinduism, at the same time as they teach
physical exercises. So meanwhile you feel loose, freaky, openminded
and in a HYPNOTIC TRANCE. That’s when it clicked!
EVA
Are you against Hinduism?
AIDEN
No…yeah not completely, but did you hear me? I’m saying you
were hypnotized! I love you Eva, let’s go home.
EVA
Oh Aiden we can’t be together. We’re brother and sister now.
AIDEN
Good one. I’m all for the kinky family role-playing-
EVA
(sings Avici’s Hey brother)
Heyyyy Brother…I’m your sister now.
AIDEN
No you’re not. They’re just saying that. He’s using you!
EVA
I am marrying him!
AIDEN
This isn’t Eat Pray Love, you’re in a yoga cult!
EVA
This place is my home! It’s perfect. No technology. No apps,
no fact checking. No suits. You’re just upset he chose me!
AIDEN
He just chose you because your ass looks good in yoga pants!
PRIEST and TATUS enter. TATUS looks
like a hipster Jesus. EVA goes into
bowing/yoga pose, she yanks AIDEN
down, he reluctantly goes down.
PRIEST
I present the bride to be, Master Tatus.
TATUS
Rise brother, sister. Great to see you Eva, its been ages.
He goes in for a kiss on the cheek,
but EVA moves into it on purpose
for a full on kiss on the lips.
Then they all “nameste” and yoga
bow to each other in greeting.
AIDEN joins but is faking it.
TATUS
Nameste! Nameste.
EVA
Nameste. Nameste.
PRIEST
Nameste, Nameste
AIDEN
Nameste! Yeah yeah Nameste.
AIDEN
Master Tator tots, Brother Aiden here, I’m the uh personal
wedding advisor to Eva, the last “pure” fertile woman on
Earth, and her sexy yoga butt is all yours now.
TATUS
He is abundantly charming Eva. I need to spiritually
enlighten you brother, and to do that, we need to become one.
AIDEN
Yeah…no that’s what twitters for.
TATUS
Please brother, allow me. Repeat after me.
TATUS goes behind AIDEN and guides
his stretch. PRIEST and EVA join.
TATUS
Jiva-at-man. Cit, Bodhi-sattva-Bindi. Kumbhaka.
AIDEN Improvs the words he repeats.
AIDEN
(whispers)
He’s not wearing any underwear.
EVA
(whisper)
Shut up!
PRIEST
Did you say something sister?
EVA
Shhhwhen are our guests arriving my Priest?
PRIEST
Ah. They are already among us. Look.
EVA
But what about my parents?
PRIEST
Inhale, now exhale. Hold the inhalation. Now look again.
EVA
They’re still not here. We’re alone.
PRIEST
We’re born alone, die alone, tragic don’t you think? Do you
have the rings brother Aiden?
AIDEN
Uh…yes. [Reaches into pocket]
He pulls out a NuvaRing and condom.
PRIEST
What are those vile packages in your hand brother?
AIDEN
These are the rings of contraception my Lord.
(TATUS grabs the NuvaRing and stomps
on it, rips open the condom packet
and struggles to stretch it out.)
EVA
Do you need any help?
TATUS
No, I got it.
(TATUS gives up, tosses it into the
audience. He pulls out a ring made
of leaves and sticks.)
TATUS
For you my dove.
(TATUS takes EVA’s hand.)
PRIEST
Brother Aiden, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
AIDEN
No..Eva please!
(The PRIEST restrains AIDEN.)
TATUS
Our bodies are our gardens — our wills are our gardeners.
AIDEN
Its a lie its all a- Wait! Who said that?
TATUS
I did.
PRIEST
Master Tatus has been saying that for years.
AIDEN
Yeah….no but I think it was –
EVA
Shakespeare said that!
AIDEN
Yes! It was Iago. He’s a liar Eva!
TATUS
Of course it was the bard! The Bard was a great yogi!
PRIEST
He was the Bard of yogis!
EVA
But Eastern philosophy didn’t penetrate Western Europe until-
TATUS
Oh Sister Eva, “you say tomatoes, I say tomatoes.”
AIDEN
Unhand me fiend.
(RE: EVA)
Shall We Dance.
PRIEST
There will be no dancing until after the ceremony.
AIDEN
No you idiot, its from Shall we Dance the movie (singing) You
like tomatoes, I like tomatoes. Potatoes, Potatoes, Tomatoes,
Tomatoes oh Let’s-
EVA
(singing)
Let’s call the whole thing off!
AIDEN
Eva, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. And if
you don’t want this [pulls out cellphone, throws it to
floor], if you don’t want fact-checking, political
correctness, Netflix, #cancelcolbert or suits [takes
jacket/tie/shirt off, tosses it], I’d quit me to be with you.
I’d join this poorly educated cult for you. Because a life
with you, a world with you, is all the world I need.
EVA
Aiden, I don’t know what to say.
AIDEN
I wasn’t ready to marry you before now but-
EVA
No. Let’s call the whole thing off. Let’s go home and watch
Stephen Colbert be a #fakeracist but satirize real racists
while still offending voiceless minorities.
They kiss. And run off stage.
PRIEST
Brother, that was beautiful.
TATUS
Brother that was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.
Sighs.
PRIEST
Do you think he has a brother?
BLACKOUT.
7.

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