Directed by Jon Wai-keung Lowe & Aleph Ayin

Featuring Marissa Keltie, Leon Goertzen & Aeron Macintyre
CHARACTERS:

OLD MAN MALARKEY, a corn farmer.

ELLA, a traveler from beyond the solar system, the kind who wears thigh-high boots and
has really thick, shiny hair. The air on her home planet is very heavy and dense, so
Earth’s atmosphere makes her sound like Kristin Chenoweth.

The AMBASSADOR The actor should stand and use his hands as necessary, but the
character is somehow perceived to resemble a very large St. Bernard. He communicates
entirely through barks, growls, and gestures. The English translations of his lines are
given here strictly for the actor’s internal use.

ELLA and the AMBASSADOR are playing Go SpaceFish.

AMBASSADOR
[Barking: Do you have any eights?]

ELLA
No. [AMBASSADOR takes a card.] Do you have any asteroids?

AMBASSADOR
[No.]

ELLA
[Sighing, takes a card:] Oh, gosh. I don’t mean to complain, but I hope someone
comes soon. If we spend the whole night just sitting here, playing space-cards,
it might get kind of bor—

MALARKEY
[Off:] Who’s there?

ELLA
Oh, goody!

AMBASSADOR
[Pick up the cards! Prepare to present!]
ELLA
Yes, sir!
MALARKEY
(entering, with flashlight and shotgun or pitchfork.)
Doggone kids, trampling my corn–

AMBASSADOR
[Greetings, earthling!]

MALARKY
Whoa, there! Easy, boy!

AMBASSADOR
[Lower your weapon! We mean you no harm.]

MALARKY keeps his shotgun trained on the
AMBASSADOR.

ELLA
Oh, dear!

MALARKY
Young lady, is this your… uh, dog/… or something?

ELLA
Yeah, no…

MALARKY
“Yeah, no,”– which is it? Can’t have no flea-bitten strays/ goin’ after my hens–

AMB
[“Flea-bitten stray?” Clearly there is a misunderstanding.]

ELLA
[Barks: “It seems he can’t understand your speech.”] No, yeah! He’s with me,
definitely not a stray! Oh, my goodness. Perhaps I should make some
introductions. My name is Ella, and this is Ambassador [barks his name]. We’re
representatives of the URS.

MALARKY
Russians!

ELLA
No, the Yoo Arr Ess/… Universal Revenue–

MALARKY
It’s awful late for you to be deliverin’ a package.

ELLA
Yeah, no, it’s a lot more complicated than a package. We bring you the Dawn of
a New Era of Civiliza– Um… you aren’t Mark, by any chance, are you?

AMB
[Tell him to put the weapon down.]

MALARKY
You meetin’ a boy out here, are ya? Some kind of blind date?

AMB
[I don’t think this one has the authorization we require.]

MALARKY
Easy now, boy. I got my eye on you.

ELLA
No, yeah, the Ambassador and I are not on any kind of date. We’re on a
mission! We have important things to discuss with your leader, Mark.

MALARKY
Mark who?

ELLA
I’m terribly sorry, but I have trouble pronouncing his name in your language.
We understand he has a lot of friends, like a whole book, or a network, really,
and the infrastructure for virtual communication that he has invented has earned
him very high status in your social-economic hierarchy, if this status is up to
date. [No response.] And he’s about this tall…?

MALARKY
Nobody like that ’round here. What do you want with this Mark?

ELLA
We represent the Universal Revenue Service of the Intergalactic Federation. In
exchange for your participation, the Federation is prepared to offer you
technology that can end all disparity and want. We just need to negotiate the
terms of your galactic tax.

MALARKY
Girl, you been smoking cornhusks out here with your weird dog?

AMB
[I beg your pardon, sir!]

ELLA
Oh, that came out wrong! We have much knowledge to share! For example,
your energy and climate crises—

MALARKY
[Continues over the next three lines:] Little girl, I’m not out this late at night to
listen to a buncha cow puckey about climate this and footprint that. How can we
have both a gol-durned hole in the sky AND a layer of carbon mo-whatsit
causing some kind of La Nino-El Nincompoop drought so’s I’m paying for
water on top of the monopolized seed prices from those bastards at San Monto.
I’m between a rock and another rock! Them’s the only crops can take the
pesticides San Monto says I gotta spray. My federal subsidies are barely enough
to send my kids to charter school, and now you’re talking about more taxes—

AMBASSADOR
[Ask him if he knows where we can find Mark.]

ELLA
Yeah, no, I think we’re past that point. [As Malarky rants:] Sir, with your
permission?

AMBASSADOR
[Proceed.]
ELLA knocks MALARKEY out with a ray-gun or spacekarate.
He should go to his knees, if not all the way down.
AMBASSADOR barks and continues through her next line.

ELLA
What’s that, Ambassador? Some kind of trouble? Who fell down a well? Oh,
“this isn’t going very well.” Yeah, no, I’m sorry about that, sir. What idea? Are
you sure, sir? Well, it’s so crazy it just might work. (To MALARKY 🙂 Now, I
promise this isn’t going to hurt… very much. Once I transfer my consciousness
into your neural system, you’ll see what I mean, and then I’m sure you’ll agree
that this is for the good of earthkind.

ELLA initiates the transfer, leaving her own body.

ELLA (in MALARKY’s body)
Oh! Transfer always makes me so dizzy. But not usually this itchy! [Looks
down shirt] Oh, no wonder: this body is very hairy. [Some stretches and high
kicks] Some compromised flexibility. And [tries to toss her hair] significantly
decreased follicular extrusions.

AMBASSADOR
[Quit fucking around.]

ELLA
Sorry, sir! It seems the subject’s auditory range is insufficient for the
frequencies at which we usually communicate. In this body, I can only hear
your lower registers! Oh, what to do?

The AMBASSADOR transfers into ELLA’s former body.

AMBASSADOR
Can you hear me now?

ELLA nods.

Hmm, not ideal, but, for the moment, suitable. What is it, ensign?

ELLA (in MALARKY’S body)
Tee-hee! You made a pun, sir. “Suitable.” Because you’re wearing my meatsuit.

AMBASSADOR (in ELLA’s body)
Ensign, I don’t think you realize what’s at stake here. Commandeering a native’s
corpus could be interpreted as a hostile act. If we’re to accomplish our mission,
we need to access this social network and to deliver the right message: a
message of peace and goodwill.

ELLA (in MALARKY’S body)
Of course you’re right, sir. I apologize! Um, This subject’s memory shows an
understanding of the local geopolitical forces insufficient for our purposes.

AMBASSADOR(in ELLA’s body)
It might be a prudent, then, to contact our comrade Elon, at the risk of exposing
his cover.

ELLA (in MALARKY’S body)
And your former corpus, sir?

AMBASSADOR(in ELLA’s body)
Leave it. We’ll attract less attention corp’d like this. Once we reach Agent
Musk, I’ll debrief him and re-evaluate. His last report described local resistance
to the personal transportation units he was sent to implement.
AMBASSADOR exits. ELLA scampers after.

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