DANIELLE is RICHARD’s wife.

RICHARD is DANIELLE’s husband.

JENNIFER is a wildlife conservationist, or a socialist, or something.

[The stage is set as the living room of an apartment, with a door to the hallway.  DANIELLE is inside, stroking her hair.  RICHARD is immediately outside / in the hallway, checking his pocket watch.  JENNIFER may or may not be visible yet; she is out-of-scene until later on.  After a while, RICHARD enters the apartment.  The sexual tension between RICHARD and DANIELLE should increase steadily throughout the scene.]

RICHARD

Hi my love.

DANIELLE

Hi dear, how was work?

RICHARD

It was fine, my love.  How was sitting around all day not doing a fucking thing?

DANIELLE

It was fine.

JENNIFER

Here we observe two members of the human species at a very specific point in their mating ritual: they have completed the initial courting stage and formed a nest.  Not with twigs, but by combining their meager savings into an offering – called a “security deposit” – to a person that they believe is a “god of the land”, or, more commonly, a landlord.

DANIELLE

I spent the day thinking of all the things I wanted to do to you when you got home.

RICHARD

I spent the day working my ass off so we could maybe scrape together enough money for a meal tomorrow.

JENNIFER

While it may appear that they are fighting, they are actually engaging in a critical aspect of their mating ritual known as “foreplay”.

RICHARD

Ten hours on my feet, checking my watch every few minutes.  Almost lost it today…

DANIELLE

Yeah, that old leather strap doesn’t do it justice.

RICHARD

No matter.  [pause]  I’m very excited for tomorrow.  I’m getting you something that I think you’ll like.

DANIELLE

We said we weren’t doing presents this year!

RICHARD

I know, love, but… I love seeing you happy.

DANIELLE

You know what makes me happy, dear?

RICHARD

No, my love, what is it?

DANIELLE

When you stick to what we’ve agreed on, dear.

JENNIFER

The situation seems to be escalating…

RICHARD

I see where you’re coming from, my love, but the way you stroke your hair… it just makes me want to shower you with gifts…

JENNIFER

Here they are displaying archetypal hetero normative behavior, with the male asserting his dominance by brandishing resources, and the female countering by highlighting her corporeal assets.

RICHARD

Besides, I think I found a way to pay for your gift without hurting our finances.

DANIELLE

Oh, did you suddenly get good with money?

RICHARD

No, I just put in a little bit of effort.  You should try it some time.

DANIELLE

Oh, I have a plan too, believe me. 

RICHARD

Great!  Did you suddenly acquire a marketable skill?

JENNIFER

The ritual is nuanced: they circle each other, trying to suss out the other’s true position on gift-giving.  There is grave risk in being wrong.  The partner caught without a gift could feel cheap or uncaring, while the partner whose gift is not reciprocated could embarrass the non-giver.

DANIELLE

Your plan isn’t going to work, by the way.   [pause.]  Get over it.  I saw the listing on eBay.  “Heirloom watch for sale, keeps perfect time.  Busted-ass leather strap not included” 

RICHARD

Well, forgive me.  I thought getting you a gift to highlight your beauty was more important than my old watch, no matter how much it means to me.

DANIELLE

Well, you might want to hold onto it for a bit.  If you’re thinking of getting me those combs I want so badly, you should know that I won’t be needing them for a while.

RICHARD

I did notice that you had the scissors out…

JENNIFER

Now, we see them preparing to engage in a classic mating ritual: true sacrifice.  It may seem counter-intuitive, but these people believe that giving up one’s prize possession in order to benefit a partner can lead to positive outcomes… for the giver.  Even the possibility of this gets each partner excited.

DANIELLE

I will cut off every g-ddamn inch of my hair if you don’t put that watch down right now.

RICHARD

You cut off even one inch from even one hair and the watch goes straight out the window. 

DANIELLE

Do whatever you want with the watch.  You can check the time on your phone like a normal person.  You’re getting the watch band.   

JENNIFER

The pressure to give a gift has become unbearable, to the point where each one is threatening to do something harmful and irreparable in order to procure the desired item.

RICHARD

Wear a hat all fucking day, see if I give a shit.

DANIELLE

I love it when you strut around with that watch, it makes me crazy.  I’m cutting this off right now to get you that chain.

JENNIFER

Such mutual sacrifice will further strain the economic conditions of the pair, but—

RICHARD

Don’t do it.  This watch means nothing compared to holding a fistful of your hair while you’re—

JENNIFER

Jimmy, cut the camera.  I didn’t want it to happen this way, but I don’t know what choice I have.  [JENNIFER pulls out 2 guns, aims them at DANIELLE and RICHARD]  Listen up, motherfuckers.

RICHARD

Wait, what are you doing?

DANIELLE

I liked you better when you were whispering creepily in the corner.

JENNIFER

Oh G-d, you heard all that?  I must’ve sounded like such a pretentious douchebag…  [RICHARD and DANIELLE shrug]

RICHARD

Whatever you want, can you make it quick?  We were just getting to the payoff.

JENNIFER

Listen, that watch is a link to your family that you don’t want to break.  And your hair… I mean, it’s pretty and all… I mean, it’s not like… [JENNIFER takes down her hair]… but it’s cute, you know?  Anyway, I don’t want to see you throw these things away.

DANIELLE

But he loves that watch.  I don’t want him to lose it because his strap breaks.

RICHARD

And her hair… it’s beautiful to me any which way, but she wants these combs, and—

JENNIFER

So what are you going to do when you have hair combs and a watch chain, but no hair and no watch?

DANIELLE

My hair will grow back.

JENNIFER

Fair enough.

RICHARD

My watch will grow back.

JENNIFER

No it won’t.

RICHARD

Well fuck you!

JENNIFER

Look, here’s how it’s gonna go down.  I’m going to turn the camera back on, and you guys are going to “realize” that you don’t need to buy each other anything.  

DANIELLE

No, here’s how it’s going to go down.  You’re going to put your ratty-ass hair back up, get back into the corner, and leave me and my man alone.  We’ll show you a mating ritual…

JENNIFER

I will do no such thing.   I’m tired of this bullshit.  Do you know how many times I’ve watched two otters hold hands floating down a stupid creek?  I mean, get a damn room.  Do you how many times I’ve described awkward dates between two penguins?  Where they just make the same tired jokes about being overdressed?  How many times I’ve seen a lion eating a gazelle or a cheetah eating a cantaloupe or a giraffe eating a hippo or whatever?  And I finally – FINALLY – get the gig narrating humans, and you guys act all CRAZY.  You’re not animals.  You have higher-order cognitive abilities.  Why don’t you use them?  Be reasonable.

RICHARD

This has nothing to do with you.

DANIELLE

This is just a thing we do to… you know… get each other excited.   

JENNIFER

No!  I’m tired of watching while you throw it all—

DANIELLE

Jimmy, roll the camera, the hair’s about to go.

JENNIFER

I can’t let that happen. 

VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE [offstage, it’s JIMMY]

Camera’s rolling, we’re live.

JENNIFER

Shit.  Uh… we now observe the pair in a frenzied state.  They have moved beyond the realm of the rational—

RICHARD

We know what we’re doing.

DANIELLE

Sell that watch baby, I need some hair combs.

JENNIFER [overlapping]

They have succumbed to the, uh, to the ancient pressures of gift-giving, which will ultimately bankrupt them.  [to THEM]  Stop it, I will shoot you! //  I want someone to sell his prized possession for me!

RICHARD [overlapping]

I want that watch chain, cut it all off, love!

JENNIFER [overlapping]

They can’t control themselves, they –  // I’d cut off my hair for the right—

DANIELLE

Here we go baby!

RICHARD / DANIELLE

1… 2… 3…

JENNIFER

No!  This is my story!

[JENNIFER lunges for the scissors!  SHE puts them up to her hair, and…]

BLACKOUT

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