Directed by Maryssa Wanless

Featuring Melissa Ortiz and Kelli Crump
EMMA stands, as if in a spotlight.
EMMA
And when they sold Twin Peaks, I said nothing. And when they sold the Haight – and Dogpatch – I still
said nothing. And when we sell the streets, and the streetpoles, and the bridges, and all the other stuff,
then – and only then – will we realize that MONEY is not FOOD.
Wait. I mean – money buys us food. BUT THE LAND CAN’T MAKE US FOOD ANYMORE.
Because we sold it.
Or something along those lines. The end needs some work but the tone is there. And then I light my
index cards on FIRE.
SHERMAN
Emma, that’s quite a speech. It’s just not very welcoming.
EMMA
Maybe I don’t feel like being welcoming anymore, Sherman.
SHERMAN
Look, I get having a ‘conscience’, but we have some very important foreigners arriving in a few
minutes, and I don’t think they’re going to appreciate this particular opinion on their investment. And
we can’t have the fire alarm go off again. They fine for that.
EMMA
Your point?
SHERMAN
I can’t let you end our pitch with that speech.
EMMA
Well, you are not the boss of me.
SHERMAN
Actually, I am the boss of you.
EMMA
Whatever. Fine. Let them invest.
SHERMAN
Good.
EMMA
I just want to make them hurt for it.
SHERMAN
Emma.
EMMA
Just a little bit. A teeny tiny bit of regret that festers until they start to feel really, really guilty and hate
themselves forever in a very deep way. Why are we selling this to them, Sherm?
SHERMAN
Why not them? Canadians are a good crew, Emma.
EMMA
Jesus, have they taken you, too? They’re just drooling all over this city thinking, “Mine, mine, mine,
me, me, mine!”
SHERMAN
Look. These Canadians? They’re different – they worked hard. This family invented modern syrup
tapping as we know it, and if you think being heir to a syrup empire is easy, it’s not.
EMMA
“Shall I have pancakes, or waffles?” Cry me a river.
SHERMAN
Do you know how many people get killed by maple trees every year? Lots. And then there’s the
pressure of legacy, Emma. Never underestimate the pressure of legacy.
EMMA
Oh, I know all about the pressure of legacy. I’m a native daughter. When this deal goes through, my
family home goes on the chopping block so those Canadians can have their Canadian Superhighway to
Cabo. And when my mom reads the paper and finds out it’s her own daughter who clinched the deal
and made MONEY from it, do you know how that will feel, Sherm? Pretty. Fuckin’. Bad.
SHERMAN
Emma.
EMMA
But who am I to stand in the way of development? Or legacy.
SHERMAN
Let me tell you a story. When I was a little girl, my mother shipped me off to my Auntie in Canada.
She wanted to stop me from being a softy city kid, so she sent me to Wuskettewah. You’ve never heard
of it; nobody has. There’s an ice-breaking barge that arrives twice a year with food, supplies, and
heating oil.
Goodie Madge was a church-going woman and a model of thrift. When we burned through our oil
rations, Goodie Madge would open her doors to all of us, ready to share hers. A pillar of the
community.
One night during vespers, Goodie Madge snuck away from the sermon and out toward the docks. I
followed her. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t watch Goodie Madge heave five times her oil rations into
her dog sled, and with a “Mush, mush!”1 she disappeared into the night.
I ran home as fast as I could, ready to show Goodie Madge for the phony she was, but Auntie just
nodded and said, “Sherman, I know. Don’t fault Goodie Madge. Goodie Madge is taking for herself.
We all have to take for ourselves. Because if you don’t take for yourself, there’s nobody going to take
for you.”
EMMA
Your point?
SHERMAN
The Canadians are just taking for themselves.
EMMA
Why can’t I take for myself and get my city back?
SHERMAN
The Native Americans came here and took for themselves. The Spanish and Europeans? They came
and took for themselves.
EMMA
Yes and?
SHERMAN
We’ve had our turn. It’s time to step aside.
EMMA
For Canadians?
SHERMAN
For this brief moment.
EMMA
For Canadians?
SHERMAN
I know. It’s not how I want it, either.
EMMA
So why go along with it?
SHERMAN
Because there’s no use changing it. We leave. We take for ourselves in a new land. That’s the course of
human history. It’s just this time, it’s a Great Migration to Fresno.
EMMA
Oh Jesus, to Fresno?
(note:  This is the command that sledders in the Iditarod race yell to their sled dogs to make them go. FYI.)
SHERMAN
To Fresno.
EMMA
I hate to admit it. But I was thinking of moving my mom to Fresno.
SHERMAN
It wouldn’t be awful.
EMMA
We could be total ballers in Fresno.
SHERMAN
We could, couldn’t we?
EMMA
Jesus, if we close this deal, we’ll make so much commission we could just up and quit.
SHERMAN
What, you mean I wouldn’t be your boss anymore?
EMMA
You really wouldn’t be the boss of me.
SHERMAN
We could just both quit, buy a convertible, pick up your mom, and take off for Fresno!
EMMA
I love that idea.
SHERMAN
So do I! I love /
EMMA
YOU. I – love you. Only I’ve never been able to tell you. Because you’re my boss.
SHERMAN
Emma – I’ve always –
SHERMAN turns abruptly – a Canadian investor has arrived.
SHERMAN
Oh! Good morning! And welcome. It is a great honor to have you here in our fair city.
EMMA
Or, as we say in your language, “Niceta meetcha.”
LIGHTS

Advertisement