Directed by Christian Haines
Featuring Anika Solveig, Anne Kobori and Jenna May
PRELUDE
LIGHTS UP
MOREEN enters.
She is cheerily practicing “Out Tonight” from RENT
MOREEN
I HAVE TO GO AHOOOOO-
MOREEN picks up the note on a suitcase outside her apartment.
MOREEN
I’m evicted??
SHAPIRO
(O.S.)
And stop the singing, we’re not in Temple. I’m trying to Passover in here.
MOREEN lifts the handle on the suitcase. She touches the wall.
MOREEN
(sadly)
I GUESS I’M GOING….AHOOOOT TONIGHT!
SHAPIRO
(O.S.)
You know I can still hear you!
She begins to cry.
MOREEN
(Whisper)
Goodbye friend.
She sadly hums walks across the hall, head down.
Just then SAM, a “bro”–grammer enters with her backpack, she’s on her Bluetooth.
SAM
(into the phone)
Backfill the SEO, ha yeah, That’ll teach the Chinese to get with the pro-gram.
SAM and MOREEN brush shoulders and freeze.
Their eyes lock. *Les Mis Trill plays
MOREEN
I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE, FORGIVE ME.
SAM
Did you say something? SO…I just moved here, oh wow, this must be-
MOREEN
“SAN FRANSISCO!”
SAM
You just did it again.
MOREEN
Sorry.I just love this place.
SAM
I love the bridge!
MOREEN
Which one?
SAM
The…gold one! And Golden Gate Park at night!
MOREEN
Bart Union back on Strike!
SAM
Clam Chowder by the Bay!
MOREEN
Gay Prides big parade!
SAM/MOREEN
That’s the most dick I’ve seen all year!
They look out- BLING!
SAM
(pleasant sigh)
This is what Hipsters must feel like. Hi, I’m Sam. I love to know ALL my future neighbors, so tell me about yourself.
MOREEN
Where do I start, I’m Moreen. I’m a professional actress…That’s about it. Ooh and I’m playing Mimi in “RENT” on Broadway….by the Bay.
SAM
Oh. Is that here in the city?
MOREEN
Yes. Redwood City. What do you do?
SAM
I’m kind of an artist too. I design “apps.” This one I just made “Pooze Cruise,” it helps wealthy bachelors rent out high class poodles for few hours. It’s perfect for people who don’t like pets, and Google just bought us out!
MOREEN
I love poodles! Are you moving into this apartment complex?
SAM
Yup. 21 B.
Dminor major 7 arpeggio
Lights change on MOREEN
MOREEN does the Eponine pose from “On my own…”
SAM
People in the “Fillmore Heights” are so nice. Some nice urban gentleman offered to “turn off my dark tonight,” what does that mean? Moreen?
Stravinsky chord x 5
MOREEN
You! You’re the reason I’m being evicted!
Carmina chord x 5
MOREEN
You snobby little Silicon elitist moving into my neighborhood!
SAM
But the commute-
MOREEN
So you moved from the- AH! Google is headquartered in Mountain View!
SAM
Well yea, but what else is a salary good for?
SAM tries to move past MOREEN.
But MOREEN steps in front of SAM.
They circle each other like a good ol’ Mexican Standoff.
MOREEN
Artists are the Native Americans of the 21st Century. Keep your smallpox blankets for yourself. Ya think you’re better than me because you have a degree? Huh?
SAM
No. I have two PHD’s!
Intro to “I’m Gonna Make it” plays
MOREEN
Oh. Well I have a degree too, from the Academy of Art. It’s accredited! I’ll show you.
I’M GONNA MAKE IT IN THE BUSINESS SAM
I’M NOT DADDY’S LITTLE PRINCESS Are you singing at the wall?
SOMEDAY I’LL BREAK INTO THE BUSINESS
OR I’LL MOVE BACK TO FREMONT..Oh God I’LL WORK IN A DINER..DEVELOP A DRUG HABIT…THEN I’LL HAVE A CRACK BABY. You want that, huh? Huh? Huh!
Intro to “PRO-Grammer” plays
SAM
No. No. NO! When I was a kid I just wanted to make the world a better place. I wanted bring the internet to everyone. Porn for everyone! (She tosses beanie to the floor reveals her flowing hair)
I AM A PRO- GRAMMER
(snaps out of it)
Whoa. That was weird.
“PRO-grammer” Cadence.
MOREEN crumples to the floor.
MOREEN
It’s all your fault, I’m going to have a Crack baby.
She opens her suitcase and pulls out a dollar, a book and some white powder.
She prepares to snort it.
SAM
Drugs aren’t the answer!
MOREEN
I wish. This is just my Adderall prescription.
Intro to “The Pity Song” plays
MOREEN snorts a line.
SAM
(Singing)
COME ON LITTLE…ACTRESS
I’M SURE YOU’RE TALENTED
BUT I DON’T KNOW DIFFERENCE
SO LET’S GET DRUNK INSTEAD.
MOREEN
What did you say?
SAM
(singing)
SO LET’S GO INSIDE INSTEAD.
“The Pity Song” ends with a cadence.
SAM tries to help MOREEN up.
SHAPIRO Enters.
Egyptian Trill.
SHAPIRO
Moreen, I told you this isn’t Israeli’s Got Talent!
He sees SAM’s ass.
SHAPIRO
(aside)
Ah, but it looks like my new tenant does.
Faster Jewish tril
SHAPIRO
Shalom, alaMandyPantikin. I’m Mendel Shapiro, your Super for Division Apartments. Holy Shabbat! You must be Sam. You’re even prettier than your LinkedIn picture!
SAM
Thanks. Let me get my checkbook. 35 hundred right?
SHAPIRO
Yentle.
SAM
Bless you.
MOREEN
35 hundred for this piece of shit?
SHAPIRO
Shut up Moreen.
(RE: SAM)
It’s a steal kid, you’re living in the big Cisco now!
MOREEN
Just look, you’re moving into the Tenderloin, with these people.
SAM
I saw some friendly people selling burritos in the Mission!
MOREEN
Those are homeless people selling crack!
SAM
He had a briefcase, an Iphone cube for the transaction and he was WHITE. (realizes) Jesus Christ. Somewhere – Steve Jobs is rolling over in his grave.
SHAPIRO
If you like that, we even have some discount crack down the hall.
Joke cadence similar to “da da dum”
MOREEN laughs.
SHAPIRO
You think this is funny, girl?
Final joke cadence
SHAPIRO
(RE: Pianist)
You shut it.
Accompanists hunches over sadly.
Depressingly the pianist plays….Baaa…dum.
SHAPIRO
Oy! You know that feeling of unwrapping a present on Christmas day as a child? Well I didn’t, I’m Jewish, but if I did, I’d have to imagine its something like getting a tenant who couldn’t negotiate rent prices even if her chaiim depended on it.
MOREEN
Sam do you trust me?
SAM
Not really, but go ahead.
MOREEN
Mendel, you I go way back. You promised my Mamushka to look after me.
SHAPIRO
Of course my little Streisand, you did have a sweet Quinceanera.
MOREEN
If it would be okay with Sam, could we share the apartment?
Intro begins for “We’re All San Franciscans”
SAM
You mean we could live like together?
MOREEN
Yeah Sam, you and me.
MOREEN takes SAM’s hand, Light change.
MOREN
WE’RE ALL SAN FRANSISCANS
WE LIVE TO SIEZE THE DAY
HIPSTERS, TECHIES, HOMELESS, JEWS
SHAPIRO
AND DON’T FORGET THE GAYS
SAM/MOREEN
THAT’S WHY WE’RE ALL SAN FRANSISCANS
WE’LL LEARN OUR WAY AROUND
MOREEN
YOU COULD PAY THE BILLS
SAM
AND WE’LL SHARE YOUR LOVELY SOUND
SAM/MOREEN
WE’RE ALL CITY DWELLERS
WE COULD MAKE IT YOU AND ME
WE’LL FIND A WAY TO CHANGE THIS TOWN
THAT’S THE SAN FRANSISCAN DREAM!
“We’re All San Franciscan’s” ends.
Transitions into an Assyrian chord.
SHAPIRO
Holy son Abraham, that was…Fine. Moreen, you two can have your den of sin. I’ll go put on the kettle.
SAM rips the check and hands it to MENDLE
Fiddler on the Roof Trill, then Cadence
SAMa
Hey Moreen? Thank you, for giving me a voice.
Cadence
MOREEN
Hey Sam? Thank you, for you know…paying the rent.
End Cadence. LIGHTS FADE
Art and Music in Our Souls 