Directed by Christian Haines

Featuring Andre Abrahamians and Nicole Slovinec
THE KEYS
(Jordan, dressed as Princess Leia, looks at her
phone while Taylor searches their bedroom.)
JORDAN
Whew, ’76 must have been awesome. So that brings us to
1977. The Raiders won the Superbowl. The World Trade
Center Twin Towers were completed.
TAYLOR
1977 to 2001. Twenty four years? They didn’t last very
long. That had to be an inside job. There’s no way
those buildings could-
JORDAN
Off we go down conspiracy road. Yes, Taylor, we are
slaves to the the machine, but there’s nothing we can
do about it so back to 1977.
TAYLOR
Sorry. Give me more trivia from your phone slash master
so I don’t have to think about reality.
JORDAN
Star Wars was released. Hello, you should just be Han
Solo, I’m telling you.
TAYLOR
Nah, I’m working on this thing. Where is that sweater?
JORDAN
Come on, Han Solo is easy. White shirt, dark vest,
jeans, utility belt and boots. You have that.
TAYLOR
Jordan, you’re turning us into one of those couples.
JORDAN
What does that mean?
TAYLOR
You know, the old people you see wearing matching red
white and blue overalls? His and hers bought from an ad
in a…a…one of those things that came in the mail
every month with stories and stuff back in the day.
JORDAN
A magazine? Sorry if I thought it would be cute to be
Hans Solo and Princess Leia, the two most awesome
people of the decade, at Meg and Park’s big ’70s party.
TAYLOR
Swinging 70s party.
JORDAN
Another dumb idea courtesy of your…ahem, fully
dressed and one hundred percent patient girlfriend.
TAYLOR
Babe, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I love
you. I want to be your Hans Solo, but just not, you
know, tonight. Here it is! How’s this?
(Taylor puts on a cardigan.)
JORDAN
And you are?
TAYLOR
I’ll give you a hint. I put solar panels on my house.
And it’s white.
JORDAN
Bob Newhope? The golfer guy on TV? He’s in his 70s.
TAYLOR
Jordan, that’s two different people. Bob Newhart and
Bob Hope, two different people.
JORDAN
Like it matters. They’re all just bits up on Youtube
now. The past is past.
TAYLOR
Except tonight, Princess. Tonight, we swing like the
70s. I hope there’s a key bowl!
JORDAN
Keep on truckin’!
TAYLOR
(sings)
STAYIN’ ALIVE, STAYIN’ ALIVE
JORDAN
FEEL THE CITY BREAKIN’ AND EVERYBODY SHAKIN’
AND WE’RE STAYIN’ ALIVE, STAYIN’ ALIVE
JORDAN AND TAYLOR
AH, HA HA HA STAYIN’ ALIVE, STAYIN’ ALIVE
HA HA HA STAYIN’ ALIVE, STAYIN’ ALIVE
TAYLOR
So, seriously, what do you think.
JORDAN
That’s not a costume, it’s a cardigan.
TAYLOR
Ok, I’ll give you another hint. I was a peanut farmer.
JORDAN
A what?
TAYLOR
A peanut farmer. In Georgia.
JORDAN
Mister Peanut wears a monacle and a top hat, not a
cardigan. Let me help you here.
(Jordan puts together a Han Solo costume.)
TAYLOR
Ok, I’m going to skip to the punchline. I memorized a
quote.
JORDAN
Let her rip.
TAYLOR
I’ve looked on a lot of women with lust. I’ve committed
adultery in my heart many times.
JORDAN
Taylor, why are you bringing this up right now? I know
you’re a perv. Who isn’t? Just don’t be rude. I wonder
what that hussy Christine is going to wear?
TAYLOR
Probably Pia Zadora from the Love Boat.
JORDAN
The silicon boob boat. You like those, babe, with all
of your lusting looks?
TAYLOR
No, the quote is “I’ve looked on a lot of women with
lust. I’ve committed adultery in my heart many times.”
JORDAN
Dean Martin? No, he wasn’t a peanut farmer.
TAYLOR
No, think more…presidential.
JORDAN
Richard Nixon? You have to wear a suit and do this
thing with quotes in the air. “I am not a crook.”
TAYLOR
I guess Jimmy Carter needs a movie made about him
before he’s ready for a ’70s party.
JORDAN
Oh I forgot him! Jimmy Carter was a cool president, but
babe, you just look like a golfing dork. Maybe you
could twist it and go Caddyshack, or disco golfer?
TAYLOR
Alright. Give me the fanny pack already.
(Taylor puts on the Hans Solo costume.)
JORDAN
Come to the dark side, Luke.
TAYLOR
C’mon. Get your quote right. You like me because I’m a
scoundrel. There aren’t enough scoundrels in your life.
JORDAN
Actually, I think you’re pretty honest and stuff.
TAYLOR
Babe! That’s Hans Solo! And you’re telling me to get
with it.
JORDAN
I wasn’t even born when that movie came out. I’m more
into the ’90s anyway. Although the ’70s seem cool.
TAYLOR
The swinging ’70s. Do you think key parties really
happened?
JORDAN
I’d rather swing with a smaller group. You know, maybe
you and me and another couple and maybe a single girl.
TAYLOR
Did I just hear that right? You want to have an orgy?
JORDAN
Well, you know, speaking hypothetically.
TAYLOR
That sounded pretty specific. You’ve thought about
this.
JORDAN
I’m just saying, if we were to be swingers, I’d rather
party with just a few select friends, not just randomly
switch keys and wind up with some boozed up slob.
TAYLOR
Like, which select friends?
JORDAN
Oh I don’t know. Autumn for sure, and maybe Lily, she
comes with Dirk, and I’ve always wondered about his
dick.
TAYLOR
What? What? What? You have spent time thinking about my
chiropractor’s penis?
JORDAN
Sure, babe. I mean, it’s right there when he’s in
shorts. Like you don’t check out Autumn’s butt every
time she passes you.
TAYLOR
Well, that’s different. She’s always in yoga pants.
JORDAN
Yeah, I bet Dirk could work out a couple kinks I’ve
been feeling.
TAYLOR
Kinks? I think we should walk to the party.
JORDAN
In these heels?
TAYLOR
Wear flip flops and stash them in your purse. It’s only
a few blocks. And it’s the environmental thing to do.
JORDAN
Since when did you become Mister Green Heart?
TAYLOR
We won’t need these tonight.
(Taylor puts down his car keys as they exit.)

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