Directed by Christian Haines

Featuring Michael Catlett, Delinda Dane and Tim Meehan

Two Doctors conferring in a CIA super-secret
facility.

DR. DANE
I knew there would be a change once we took him off the
drugs but I don’t understand what’s happening to him.
DR. CATLETT
You say he’s been responsive to suggestion up to this
point?
DR. DANE
Most definitely. He tested through the roof on
infiltration, hand to hand combat and assassination.
DR. CATLETT
And when deactivated he had no memory of his actions.
DR. DANE
None whatsoever. He became as docile as a kitten.
DR. CATLETT
Damn that Freedom of Information Act! If it wasn’t for
those damned politicians we could have had a whole army
of mindless killing machines programmed to do our
bidding and carry out our most dangerous missions. We
were so close to having a real Jason Bourne.
DR. DANE
A what?
DR. CATLETT
Never mind. The point is, if the CIA didn’t have to
disclose it’s use of mind control, we could have an
army of remorseless fighting machines to take down our
greatest enemies. Well, nothing to be done now. Bring
him in and let me take a look at him.
Dr. Dane exits and quickly returns with Mr. Meenan
in a hospital gown. He is alternately exuberant
and grief stricken depending on the situation. The
times he is singing are denoted by an asterisk.
MR. MEENAN (ELATED)
* The Love Boat, soon will be making another run.
DR. CATLETT
Is that…?
DR. DANE
Yes sir, the theme from the Love Boat. He sometimes
just bursts into song like that. Other times he just
shouts out random sentences, always accompanied by a
strong emotion.
MR. MEENAN (SAD)
* Who can turn the world on with her smile…
DR. CATLETT
What the hell is that?
DR. DANE
Mary Tyler Moore, sir.
DR. CATLETT
I hated that show. That Rhoda woman was obnoxious.
DR. DANE
She could really pull off a head scarf.
MR. MEENAN (SAD)
* Takin’ Care of Business, every day. (ELATED) (he cups
his hands over his mouth) # Huston, Enterprise space
shuttle is a go for separation in 5, 4, 3, 2…
DR. DANE
Wait, sir! (she looks at her clipboard and reads)
earlier he blurted out “Patty Hearst released from
jail, Haldeman and Mitchell go to jail”. These are all
historical and cultural events happening right now.
(reads again) “John Lennon gets green card”
DR. CATLETT
Biggest mistake ever! Damned Commie!! Only in New York.
MR. MEENAN (ELATED)
* I am an antichrist, I am an anarchist…
DR. CATLETT
You’re sure he’s had no exposure to outside media?
DR. DANE
No sir, he’s been totally isolated during the entire
experiment. He’s only seen the training films and Bruce
Lee movies for the past 8 years.
Mr. Meenan begins running around singing and
occasionally snorting imaginary cocaine.
MR. MEENAN (ELATED)
* I’m your boogie man, that’s what I am… Stayin’
Alive, Stayin’ Alive… # God, I love this place!!
Dr.Catlett pulls out a taser and shocks Mr.
Meenan. He drops to the floor.
DR. DANE
What is that?
DR. CATLETT
It’s called a Tom Swift. The agency sent them down last
week. Comes in pretty handy.
Meenan suddenly jumps up and grabs the taser
making Dane and Catlett jump back. Meenan takes
the pose of one of Charlie’s Angels.
MR. MEENAN (SAD)
Sabrina, Jill, cover me… (ELATED) wait a minute,
you’re not Jill…
DR. CATLETT
Damnit Dr. Dane, do something!
DR. DANE
We’ve tried everything. tranquilizers, electro-shock,
even waterboarding.
DR. CATLETT
Did you try using his trigger phrase?
DR. DANE
Oh, hadn’t thought of that.
MR. MEENAN (SAD)
* Here’s the story, of a lovely lady, who was bringing
up three very lovely girls…
DR. CATLETT
Use the damn phrase, Dane, before I lose my mind!
Dr. Dane looks at her clipboard, shuffling through
pages looking for the phrase as Meenan continues
to sing. She shouts them out trying to find the
right one.
DR. DANE
Rings of Uranus! Neutron Bomb! Ted Bundy! Keep on
Truckin’!!
That’s the one. Meenan stops short. He looks
around dazed.
MR. MEENAN
Huh? Where am I?
Dr. Dane immediately starts doing tests on Meenan
throughout the following dialogue; checking his
pupils, taking his pulse, listening to his heart,
etc.
DR. CATLETT
Are you alright Mr. Meenan? Do you remember anything?
MR. MEENAN
I had the strangest dream. I was in a small room with
no windows and a cot when a small bald, bearded man in
a robe came in and said he was “Just Passin’ Through”.
He expounded on the mysteries of life telling me the
secrets of the Universe. He handed me a television
antenae and said “you are now connected to the force,
Luke”. Then suddenly he waved his hand and said
something I can’t recall and disapeared. Then… I
woke up here.
Dr. Dane has finished her other tests and then
suddenly punches Mr. Meenan in the stomach.
MR. MEENAN (CONT’D)
Hey! What the hell?
DR. DANE
He’s back to normal, sir.
DR. CATLETT
Mr. Meenan, I am bound by the Freedom of Information
Act to inform you that we have been conducting mind
control experiments to transform you into a CIA
controlled assassin.
Long pause
MR. MEENAN
Cool.
Dr. Dane pulls a contract off of her clipboard and
hands it to Meenan.
DR. DANE
We have a consent form to conduct these experiments
signed by you on August 15th, 1969.
MR. MEENAN
Oh, wow! This is that thing I had to sign at the
Woodstock concert to get that brown acid… I thought
that was a little wierd.
DR. CATLETT
Regardless, this contract free’s the CIA from any
responsibility for any side effects or damage to your
health, physical or… mental.
MR. MEENAN
That’s cool man. I mean it was a great trip!
DR. CATLETT
You’re free to go. (he shakes his hand) Here’s $40,000.
This should be more than enough to buy a house, a car
and ammenities until you can mitriculate back into
society. You can collect your clothes and sleeping bag
on your way out.
DR. DANE
Goodbye Mr. Meenan. (she shakes his hand) It’s been a
pleasure to meet you.
As they are leaving.
DR. CATLETT
What are you doing tonight.
DR. DANE
I was going to go home and watch that new show, Soap.
DR. CATLETT
I hear that has some adult content.
Meenan is alone. A janitor walks in. He walks over
to Meenan.
JANITOR
Hey, dude, you got any weed?
MR. MEENAN
No, sorry man.
JANITOR
Ah, well… Keep on Truckin’.
Meenan goes back into a trance. The janitor walks
off.
MR. MEENAN (SAD)
Love me Tender, Love me true, never let me go.
END

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