Directed by Sean Garahan

Featuring Eden Neuendorf, Jessica Risco, Jeff Ennor and Mariah Castle

A very simple living room. There is a TV facing upstage from downstage center (this could be mimed) Robyn enters with a plate of Hors oeuvres. we hear an occasional crashing sound off stage and some zombie-like groaning. Robyn doesn’t react at all. She exits to another room and comes back with a pitcher of margaritas and glasses. The doorbell rings. She makes sure everything is in place then goes to the door and answers it. Carol enters.

CAROL:
Okay, what’s up? I’ve got a mani-pedi in half an hour and…
ROBYN:
Shhhh!
she is clearly excited about something. the rattle from offstage and groaning start again.
CAROL:
What the …? is that Jim? Jesus, sounds like the meninge that’s been goin’ around. Have you taken him into the doctor?
ROBYN:
That’s no flu Carol. Sit down.

She sits and Robyn goes to the table and starts pouring margaritas.

ROBYN:
I know this is going to be a bit of a shock, it was a shock to me but I couldn’t think of anyone else I’d want to share this with than my best friend Carol since you were my Bridesmaid and the only one who warned me about making the biggest mistake of my life. (she hands her a drink)
CAROL:
He’s tolerable. Just get to it.
ROBYN:
Jim has become… Zombified!
beat
CAROL:
You mean, a Zombie? (Robyn nods her head excitedly)
Okay (she puts down her drink and starts to leave)
Funny stuff but I have to go.
ROBYN:
No, Carol, You have to stay. You can’t go out there now. You’ll never get through downtown. Haven’t you been watching the news?
She goes downstage to the TV and turns it on.
EYEWITNESS NEWS REPORTER:
(extremely agitated)
I don’t know if you can see behind me Sue, this pack… or gang or… whatever you call a bunch of the undead are devouring every…aaahhhhhhhh!!!
Robyn turns off the TV. Carol is in shock.
ROBYN:
I believe it’s an “Inconvenience”.
CAROL:
What?!?
ROBYN:
An “Inconvenience of Zombies”.
CAROL:
I don’t know what the fuck you are on but we have to do something!! What were you planning to do with a pitcher of margaritas, a plate of hors d’ouevres and an undead husband in your kitchen!?!
ROBYN:
I like “Zombie” better. Much more exotic. And I couldn’t really make all this if he were in the
kitchen, silly. He’s in the closet. (she offers the plate) Crudite? The front door opens and Robyn’s daughter Ashleigh
enters. She has ear buds in and is singing mid-song.
ASHLEIGH:
…”what’s in your head? Zombie, Zombie, Zombie, bie, bei”… (she notices her Mom and Carol and pulls out
the ear buds) Oh, hey Mom, Aunt Carol, what’s up? Carol grabs Ashleigh by the shoulders and sits her down on the couch.
CAROL:
Ash, I don’t know how to tell you this but something has happened to your Father.
ASHLEIGH:
Oh, my God… I know! Isn’t it awesome? Not too many families have a real Zombie… yet.
CAROL:
What?!? How long has he been…
ROBYN:
Since last night. We think he was one of the first. You know how you thought he was a plumber? Actually, he works at that super secret research facility over by the graveyard. there is a dead (or undead) silence.
CAROL:
So, what are we going to do!?!
ROBYN:
Well, first things first. Let’s bring him out.
CAROL:
WHAT!?!
ASHLEIGH:
Don’t worry. Mom and I practiced last night.
ROBYN:
You are gonna Love this!
she brings a chair to center stage. they go offstage, there is groaning, etc. and they come on holding two sides of a rope tied around Jim in the center. He is completely wrapped in Duct Tape. They bring him to the chair and force him into it.
ROBYN:
You ready Ash?! 1, 2, 3!
They run around Jim in opposite directions tying him in the chair. they tie a sturdy knot and step away. Jim is exhausted and can barely squeak out a groan.
ROBYN:
There, that wasn’t too bad.
ASHLEIGH:
Better than last night!
CAROL:
So, now what?
ROBYN:
Well, first, we’re gonna have a little fun. (she goes
and gets margaritas for them all)
ASHLEIGH:
We thought it would be a good idea to maybe learn a thing or two about what makes it tick. See if he’s a better zombie than he was a father.
ROBYN:
He was pretty “undead” in the bedroom too, if you know what I mean. What do you think they represent Carol? I say they embody man’s hubris and carelessness with the earth and it’s inevitable demise.
ASHLEIGH:
That’s so obvious Mom. They stand for the devouring of the rich. Mass consumerism, greed and avarice… the 99%.
ROBYN:
She makes a pretty good argument.
CAROL:
WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING! WE’VE GOT TO KILL THEM OR RUN OR THEY WILL EAT US!!!
ASHLEIGH:
Of course they will… duh.
ROBYN:
Really, Carol. Is that how you want to live the rest of your life? Killing zombies and running from place to place?
ASHLEIGH:
Yeah, haven’t you been watching “Walking Dead”? Not the kind of life I had in mind. And that’s been going on for, what, five seasons now?
ROBYN:
They just started season five, sweety.
CAROL:
I don’t care! Please, Robyn, we have to do something!!
ROBYN:
Well, now you’re just beating a dead horse, honey.
ASHLEIGH:
Or an “undead” horse. (they both laugh)
CAROL:
You’re damned right! And I’m going to keep beating that dead horse until it gets up, I can lead her to water and make that bitch drink!!! If we can maybe find out what they want there might be something we can do!!!
ROBYN:
Huh. Maybe there is. Why don’t we ask him. (she goes over to Jim. she speaks to him as if he were deaf) Jim, sweety, what are you and your zombie buddies up to? Jim groans his answer but it is definitely understandable.
JIM THE ZOMBIE:
We want to eat your fucking brains.
ROBYN:
Well, I certainly don’t appreciate that kind of language in the house.
CAROL:
Jim. Listen, if there is a shred of compassion in there, tell us; is there anything else we can feed you to save humanity?
JIM THE ZOMBIE:
No, we’re strictly Humanitarians (he begins laughing demonically)
ROBYN AND ASHLEIGH:
Dick!
Robyn and Ashleigh go over and sit on the couch and toast with their margaritas. Carol has given up. She goes over and sits between them.
ASHLEIGH:
I wonder what he’s thinking right now.
ROBYN:
Well, if I were one of them, I’d be thinking “I bet those fingers would taste good with a little Lung Butter”!
Robin and Ashleigh laugh. Carol is despondent. Just then, a bunch of zombies burst through the door and begin attacking them. As they do, Carol and Robyn shout above the mayhem.
CAROL:
RAVENS!
ROBYN:
WHAT?
CAROL:
IT’S “AN INCONVENIENCE OF RAVENS”. THIS IS “A
CLUSTERFUCK”!
They are devoured.

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