Directed by Christian Phillips

Featuring Delinda Dane, Ray Renati and Carole Robinson

BILL dressed like the cheap lobbyist he is, sipping on a mai thai impatiently as he waits sitting on his desk for

AGATHA, the elderly duchess of Arkansas, she carefully reads a legal document.

They make eye contact.
He sparks a toothy fake smile. Something weirdly sexual might be going on here.

 

AGATHA
This is your best offer?

 

BILL
Agatha baby please. Trust me. I…love you. And for you to show me how much you love me, all you have to do is sign your pretty little initials right, over, here.

And here.

                                                               (pause)

And Here.

Here too.

And also there.

Your social security number here oh yeah, put the house in your name, your bank account right over here. Oh yeah perfect. Now its official, we’re-

 

AGATHA
I’M MARRIED TO BILL CLINTON!

 

Short Pause

 

BILL
Yeah…call me Mr.President…

 

AGATHA
(seductively)

Ooh Mr. President…

 

BILL
Oh god no-

 

She kisses him emphatically.

They embrace. Bill’s face says it all.

BILL

(feigning enthusiasm)

….Yay!

 

 

AGATHA

But why did we have to sign the pre-nup in this underground bunker?


BILL

You know…to avoid the media circus, get off the grid, escape that house of cards.

 

AGATHA
I think I understand what you’re saying. My grandson is into this new thing called twatter and a bird sends messages to everyone through space.

 

BILL

Listen Agatha, you know I married you because of your….classic beauty and intelligence, but things like “the internet,” “the beliebers,” and Saturday Night Live have never been in my best interest. Everyone out there is trying to get a piece of Bubba. (Pause) So please don’t let that bird tweet our love Agatha, our very real, non-sexual relations love, is a matter of national security.


We hear a violent scream from O.S.
They both freak out like little girls.
A severed head rolls onstage.

A devilish women enters- HILARY, holding a bloodied axe.

 

AGATHA
Who is that?

 

BILL
For Pete’s sake.

 

AGATHA
Who’s Pete?

 

BILL
What? No, there’s no…Agatha put on your glasses.

 

            AGATHA searches for her glasses helplessly.

 

HILARY

Hi Bill.

 

BILL
Hey Hil.

 

HILARY
(Sees Agatha)
Ew. Did you kidnap a Golden girl?

 

BILL

What are you doing here?

 

HILARY
I just stopped by to say hello.

 

BILL
Okay. Hello. (long awkward pause) Now goodbye!

 

AGATHA finds her glasses.

AGATHA
What is this bitch doing here?

 

HILARY
So this must be Amelia?

 

AGATHA
Agatha.

 

HILARY
Amanda. That’s what I said. She’s a classy lady Bill. Did he tell you he married you for your “intelligence?” That’s what he tells all the ladies… Now Bill, you know why I’m here: I. Want. It. Back.

 

AGATHA
What is she talking about?

 

BILL
She’s talking about my Presidential…(mutters something)

 

AGATHA
What?

 

HILARY
His Presidential Penis.

 

AGATHA gasps!

 

AGATHA
How-

 

HILARY
Sh.

 

AGATHA
Dare-

 

HILARY
Zip it

 

AGATHA

You-

 

HILARY
Sh. Sh. Sh. Mmm. Agamemnon, will you give us a minute? Now, come on Billy, unzip and give me your head of state. Mama President has to lay down the law with those stubborn Hong Kong protesters.

 

BILL
You can’t put our troops in China.

 

HILARY
Watch me.

 

BILL
Oh come on, you know our Military Police are racist!

 

HILARY
Yeah and not in the good way. (pause) Come back to me Bill.

 

BILL

No no no! You can’t have me. You can’t have it. It’s Agatha’s now. It’s in the Prenup.

 

HILARY

I guess I’ll have to chop it off myself.

 

BILL

Over Al Gore’s dead body.

 

HILARY
Will his head work?

 

BILL
His…Oh no. Oh God no. Al.LLLLLLLL! (he falls to his knees, picks up the head, starts to sob) Do you know what Al and I used to call you?

 

HILARY
Let me guess: Hilla the Hun? Clintonlingus? Mr. President?

 

BILL
Wicked Witch of the West Wing.

 

HILARY
I love it.

 

BILL

Because you kill everything you come into contact with. You’re a vampire.

 

HILARY
That’s why we’re perfect. I like to suck the fun out of everything and you-

 

BILL
You turned me into your puppet. A zombie!

 

HILARY
I gave you the world. I immortalized you. I made you what you are today.

 

BILL

If I was one of them, a man who lives by the words of his wife, who “enjoys” the taste of quinoa and regards John Green novels as thought provoking, I’d rather have my wife shoot me in the head because I don’t know who that man is.

 

HILARY

You! You are that phony! 30 years ago all you were was a halfass, pot smoking band nerd with a nice smile but no direction, no ambition, no nothing! I turned that man into a jazz saxophonist, a sex symbol, I turned that man into the President.

 

BILL

I loved you Hilary. But you set me up. Let’s, let’s not forget for one minute that you were responsible for hiring Monica Lewinsky in the first place. Dammit Hilary, you-

 

HILARY
Don’t say it.

 

Pause

BILL
You gone-girled me!!

Pause

He goes over to Agatha. Touches her arm.

 

BILL
Agatha. Agatha darling, wake up. AGATHA!

 

                 AGATHA wakes up.

 

AGATHA
I don’t want any more Moonshine Mr. Gatsby!

 

BILL
Uh..Agatha it’s me, Bubba. Listen…

 

     He takes off her glasses.

 

BILL
Why do you love me?

 

AGATHA
Because….you’re handsome and..Presidential.

 

BILL
(disappointed)
Oh.

 

AGATHA

(pause)
But you’re both fucking crazy. (takes his face) Sorry Bill. It’s not going to work out.

 

                                                            AGATHA takes the contract and tears it apart.
She prepares to exits but runs into a wall.

BILL

Left. No my left. Your other left. Watch the…door.


AGATHA exits
HILARY plops on the floor next to Al Gore’s head.
BILL joins her between the head.

BILL
Thanks Hil.

 

HILARY
For what?

 

BILL
I have no fucking idea.

 

HILARY
Awww. Bring it in.

 

HILARY goes in for the bite.

 

BILL
You BITCH!!!!

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