Directed by Christian Haines

Featuring Melissa Ortiz

A gym classroom. Myndi is annoyingly perky. But a little pale.


Good Morning, class!


Are you ready to re-animate? Shake off the dust?


Before we get started, I have some announcements and I wanted to talk you about what happened last week.

Groans and breaking glass.

I’ll get to that. But first, announcements: We still need a few members to join our team for the 5K to benefit Post-Mortem Tolerance. Shufflers, Draggers, Lurchers, and the faster moving undead are welcome, as well as pre-mortems.

Disgruntled groans.

Hey! This is about learning to co-exist with us. I wanted to add that the organizers have designed the run much better this year. They’ve added bumpers to the sidewalks so that some of the more wandering folks will stay on route. The Apple store downtown complained last year. I guess it took them days to sort marathoners from employees. If I were one of them I’d-

She notices something

Gladys! What did I say about biting? No biting. If you’re hungry, the library is open after class.


That’s right, an open book opens minds. Burn some calories this morning, and you’ll feel fine about browsing for fiction fortified craniums this afternoon. Jane Austen Fan Fic section-

Loud groans

I know! Whole brains are part of your nutritious well-balanced diet. Okay, what else?

She looks at her list.

Alright, Moonlight Yoga on the roof will not occur next week, for obvious reasons-

Disappointed groans.

I know, I enjoy it too, but Harry has to observe Full Moon protocol. Frank has offered to hold his Kettlebell class during yoga time instead, meet in the lab. Just a warning, this is not a beginner class. Frank has the strength of several men. I mean, literally. He has several different men’s muscles, so please, do not take the class if you’re new to strength training.

She looks at her list.

The Kraken still has a few slots left for aquatic aerobics, but Arachne’s spin class is full.


Next Saturday is the Community Cauldron Potluck. BYOB. Bring your own broom. The gym will provide toads, eye of newt, tongue of dog, vegan wool of “batt” and buns. Please feel free to bring your boys and ghouls. The more the scarier.


No! I didn’t mean as appetizers! I meant, you could bring them as guests.

Brains… Myndi looks concerned, but perks up.

Umm… The Lost and Found is near the door. Please check it on the way out. It’s overflowing with water bottles, towels, mats, tentacles, gremlins, familiars, cursed sarcophagi- and I have personally recycled about a hundred of these-

She holds up a Monster energy drink can.

Come on, you guys. Your mommy doesn’t work here.

Groans. Zombie laughter. Myndi doesn’t know whether or not it’s okay for her to laugh.

Oh, well, even if your mummy does work here, that’s no excuse. Okay, on a serious note, I wanted to let you know that the Invisible Man has been barred from the gym. Goosing instructors is not funny. If you see him- or hear or feel him anywhere near the property, please let security know. Dr. Jekyll gets really angry when personal boundaries aren’t respected.
Deep Breath.

And I wanted to apologize for my language last week.

Angry groans

This work is new to me and I’m still learning proper etiquette.

Angry groans and breaking of glass.

Steven, “Breather” is an offensive term, and there’s no need for name-calling. Is that what you think of me? It’s an honor to work with you all, and I am sorry that I hurt your feelings. I’ve been out late with my new boyfriend, he says I’m just his “type” but I wake up in the morning feeling so drained.

She unconsciously rubs her neck which as two holes in it.

I have no idea what I’m saying or doing and I’m a little irritable in the mornings. That’s not an excuse, it’s just an explanation for my inappropriate language. When I said, “feel the burn” I meant it metaphorically.

Angry Groans something is thrown at her from the audience.

I realize now how insensitive that language is for some of you, and I sincerely apologize. And I want to thank both the Salem contingent and various other undead with pyrophobia for bringing this to my attention. Really. I hope you can forgive me.

Supportive groans.

Thanks, guys. I love your guts, too.

Myndi turns on some very New Age soothing music. She illustrates exercises as she describes them.

Now, let’s warm up before we start our routine. If you have a right ankle, gently rotate it. Good. Now, if you have a left ankle, rotate it. Can you make gentle circles with your pelvis? Imagine you’re a succubus. Switch direction. Or an Incubus. Not leaving the men out. Now I want you to roll up the spine-


Oh, good question, Ian. Your spine. Not someone else’s. No snacks in class. And roll up slowly, one vertebrae at a time. Reach your right arm up. Oh, that’s okay, Dierdre, if it falls off, just pick it up with your left arm. And reach with the other side. Good. Go ahead and roll your neck gently, I’m going to sit that one out of you don’t mind.

She touches her neck. Yawns.

Everyone feel warm? You ready to Zoombie?! Get in your lines, you know how this goes. Hit it.

Thriller begins playing (cut the long intro, just the basic Thriller part). Myndi demonstrates. Any actors who are in zombie costumes and are willing to learn a little basic Thriller choreography may join her. The more the better.

That’s right. Brian is demonstrating a low impact version of this. But don’t be afraid to push yourself. Jaw. Shoulder, and shoulder. Side hump. Fosse. Thrust. And clap and drag. Clap and drag. That’s good, Maria, I can tell you’ve been practicing. Everyone’s favorite the werewolf arms. Now circle shuffle-

One of the zombies grabs her and picks her up. She gives a Horror movie scream.

The music cuts to Vincent Price laughing at the end of the song. The zombie laughs as Vincent Price.