Directed by Aeron Macintyre
Featuring Christian Haines, Cassidy Brown, Rebecca Kemper & Maryssa Wanlass
Cassidy and Rebecca are in child’s pose on the floor. Maryssa is hiding behind Cassidy insidehis over-sized t-shirt. Christian, looking very much like Johnny in Dirty Dancing, is leaning against a pillar. An Actor in a lab coat swipes
the stage with a broom wrapped in cotton to look like a Q-tip. After a moment, Rebecca and Christian slowly rise.
CASSIDY
Oh, hey, this is nice. Warm. Moist. Plenty to eat.
Christian snickers.
REBECCA
Yeah. It’s lovely.
CASSIDY
All in all, not a bad place to spend this incarnation.
Christian flicks open his lighter and “lights his cigarette.” Cassidy starts wriggling a little bit.
What’s the only thing worse than a single meceum?
REBECCA
Oh, I don’t know. What?
CHRISTIAN
A parameceum.
Cassidy is disappointed.
CASSIDY
Yeah.
Rebecca laughs.
REBECCA
Funny.
CASSIDY
So, speaking of pairing, you wanna lateral gene transfer via conjugation?
REBECCA
Excuse me?
CASSIDY
Um, you wanna conjugate?
Cassidy begins to do a sexy bacterium dance.
CHRISTIAN
Seriously, buddy, that’s your line?
REBECCA
Why would we conjugate? We can reproduce asexually.
Maryssa’s head pops out of the shirt with
Cassidy’s head. He does not acknowledge it.
CASSIDY
Yeah, but, it’s a short life cycle and I have immunities, you have immunities…
Maryssa’s arm comes out of the bottom of the
shirt.
I could share my code with you.
REBECCA
I don’t know if I want your code.
MARYSSA
It’s good code.
Maryssa pushes a leg out.
REBECCA
Oh My God. Were you self replicating while we were talking?
CASSIDY
What?
REBECCA
You’re self-replicating while you were trying to convince me to conjugate?
Maryssa steps away, fully formed. She looks around.
MARYSSA
Cool!
REBECCA
Ugh.
CASSIDY
Come on. What are the ABC’s of our existence?
MARYSSA
I dunno.
CASSIDY
I’m not asking you.
MARYSSA
Sorry.
CASSIDY
What are the ABC’s? A. Always. B. Be. C. Colonizing.
MARYSSA
Colonizing! Oh! I get it!
CASSIDY
Always be colonizing! I’d love to transfer immunities, but I gotta colonize in the meantime.
REBECCA
Gross.
MARYSSA
Hey!
REBECCA
Sorry, not you. You’re not gross. You don’t look anything like him.
MARYSSA
Mutation. Feeling pretty excited about it, actually. A whole new world!
CHRISTIAN
Hey, any of you petri-suckers want to try a real host?
MARYSSA
Who’s he?
CASSIDY
Stay away from him.
REBECCA
What do you mean?
CHRISTIAN
I mean, when you get tired of lappin’ up the agar, you can come with me and find a human.
MARYSSA
Really?
CASSIDY
We’re not interested, thank you!
CHRISTIAN
Hey, buddy, don’t speak for them.
MARYSSA
A host sounds nice. Hospitable.
CASSIDY
I’m telling you guys, it’s dangerous out there. He’s
not one of us. He’s a virus!
REBECCA AND MARYSSA
Whoa!
CHRISTIAN
Why don’t you stay out of this, buddy? You can stay here and self-replicate all you want, all I’m saying is, there’s a way out.
CASSIDY
Ask him why he’s solo. Go, on, tell them.
CHRISTIAN
Usually I prefer to be on my own-
CASSIDY
And yet they call you the kissing disease!
CHRISTIAN
Shut up! Those are filthy rumors! You can get me from just sharing a coke can!
REBECCA
Oh, my God, you’re Mono?!
MARYSSA
What’s mono?
CHRISTIAN
Buddy, I got a pocket full of Erythromicin with your name on it.
Rebecca screams and begins hyper-ventilating.
MARYSSA
What’s Erythromicin?
CASSIDY
I hope you never find out. (To Rebecca) It’s okay.
REBECCA
It’s NOT okay!
CASSIDY
Breathe slowly. Sit down, honey.
REBECCA
I don’t have any legs! I don’t even have flagella!
CASSIDY
Nice going, asshole. Our whole family was killed by a Z pack.
CHRISTIAN
Life cycle is short, baby. Live fast, die young, leave a beautiful antibody. That’s my motto.
REBECCA
You’re a monster!
CHRISTIAN
I’m not a monster, I’m the future! I’m invincible! What do they always say about me, huh? “Well, you’ll just have to wait it out.” You want to live your whole life in a culture? It’s safe, but it’s not freedom! Come with me, baby!
MARYSSA
I would like to try a host…
CASSIDY
Don’t do it! He’s not invincible! Ask him about small pox!
Christian roars!
MARYSSA
What’s wrong?
REBECCA
How’s your friend Polio doing?
CHRISTIAN
Fuck you! One batch of Penicillin does in your whole colony. Good luck with the common fucking cold. You and me together, baby, we’d be unstoppable!
CASSIDY
What about flu shots?
CHRISTIAN
Berkeley.
REBECCA
Don’t listen, baby. It’s a scary world of anti-biotics out there.
CHRISTIAN
Forget them, baby. Sure, there are anti-biotics. But this is Berkeley. There are probiotics, too! Ask Acidophillus how he’s doing!
MARYSSA
But how will I get out?
CHRISTIAN
Look at that tech. When’s the last time you think he washed his hands? He’s eating at his work-bench for fuck’s sake. That poor sonofabitch can’t even spell Purell. It’s only a matter of time before he drops a piece of his sandwich. Then we jump for it.
REBECCA AND CASSIDY
But what about the 5 Second Rule?!
CHRISTIAN
To Hell with it!
Cassidy and Rebecca gasp
Do you think they’d hesitate for one second to kill us?
REBECCA
The 5 Second Rule is sacred! What are we, beasts?!
MARYSSA
I don’t know…
CHRISTIAN
Think of the dissinfectants! The bleach! It’s us or them! Are
you with me, baby?
A large piece of sandwich meat falls downstage in front of the audience.
It’s now or never.
REBECCA AND CASSIDY
Don’t do it!
With legs planted, Cassidy and Rebecca try to
block Maryssa against a wall of the Petri dish.
CHRISTIAN
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
MARYSSA
Let’s get outta here. First one to the bronchia wins!
She takes his hand. The final song from Dirty Dancing plays. They prepare to leap into the audience onto the sandwich. Blackout
Art and Music in Our Souls 