Directed by Jessica Risco
Featuring Jeff Ennor, Sean Garahan and Melissa Ortiz
Two Pilgrims, Egerton and Beardsley are eating gruel.
BEARDSLEY:
My God, this is awful!
EGERTON:
He’s not my God.
BEARDSLEY:
What?
EGERTON:
That’s why we left the old country; “Damnation” this and “Blaspheme” that. “Holy, Holy, Holy”. But your right. This tastes like crap.
BEARDSLEY:
Here it is, the end of November and we have no crops to harvest. Have you seen anything but a few measly Squirrels running around here? How are we going to make it through the winter? Just then a beautiful Indian Woman, Chappaquiddick enters. She has a shoulder bag. Throughout the play, whenever she and the guys talk to each other, they pantomime what they are saying.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Hey, fella’s!
The guys jump and scream, picking up their Muskets.
Whoa. Put down the fire sticks boys. I come in peace.
EGERTON:
What did she say?
BEARDSLEY:
How the hell should I know? I don’t speak Massachusett.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Listen, a few of us are getting together for a little party over the hill and we thought; “Hey, I wonder if those Pig Rams would like to join us?” We have a little celebration every year around this time. Why don’t you throw away that mush you’re eating and join us for some real food.
EGERTON:
I think she’s asking us to go with her.
BEARDSLEY:
What for? To skin us alive and eat us?
EGERTON:
(speaking loudly and pantomiming)
DO YOU WANT TO EAT US?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Ha! No!
(she speaks loudly and pantomimes)
We don’t want to eat you, we want you to eat with us.
EGERTON:
She wants us to eat her?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Here. (she reaches into her bag and pulls out an ear of corn) As a token of our friendship, I brought you this.
BEARDSLEY:
What the hell is that?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
It’s called “Maize”. (she holds it out to them. Egerton slowly moves up and snatches it away from her. He sniffs it. He bites into it.)
EGERTON:
Oh, my God! This is a-maize-ing!!
BEARDSLEY:
Quit being an ass. Let me try. (he snatches it away and bites into it) Wow, not bad.
(throughout the following her pantomiming is quite erotic)
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
There’s more where that came from. We have Turkey and yams, mashed potatoes and gravy, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie for dessert. Oh, and maize on the cob, of course.
EGERTON:
I don’t know what she said but it sure looks good.
(he talks loud and pantomimes again)
What is your name?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Chappaquiddick. Nice to meet you. (she extends her hand. the guys shake it) Listen, it’s getting late. It’ll be dark soon… you know, with daylight savings and all. Why don’t you grab some stuff and I’ll show you the way.
EGERTON:
Come on Beardsley. Anythings’ gotta be better than this.
BEARDSLEY:
Look, Miss Cappawidget. Why don’t you just have a seat and we can get to know each other a little better before we go blindly following you into the woods.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Look, fella’s, I came over as a courtesy. If you don’t want to partake of our glorious feast, no ones got a tomahawk to your head. (she starts to leave)
EGERTON:
No! Wait! My friend here is a little leery of new experiences. I could barely drag him onto the Pinta to get him over here. I, on the other hand, am quite adventurous. Maybe we could take a little respite in the woods on the way?
(He tries to grab hold of her. She pushes him away.)
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Not gonna happen… now your friend here…
(she seductively walks toward Beardsley)
EGERTON:
That’s cold, Chatahootchie.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Don’t worry. There’s plenty of other fair maidens who might be into gingers. I’m sure you can hook up with one of them.
EGERTON:
That’s what I’m talkin’ about!
BEARDSLEY:
I don’t know. I’m still not sold on the idea.
EGERTON:
Dude. Did you hear what she said? A food, drink… maybe a little honey…
BEARDSLEY:
Did you just call me dude?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Did he just call me a honey?
EGERTON:
All I’m saying is that if we don’t at least try to make friends with these people we are going to starve or freeze to death. Even if they do boil us in oil, it’ll be quicker than that… and it’ll be warm.
(Chappaquiddick sidles up to Beardsley)
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Come on, don’t be such a Puritan. We can have a little fun tonight. Give a little thanks for what we have. Do a little dance, make a little Love…
(Beardsley get’s more and more dramatic throughout the following)
BEARDSLEY:
No! Why did we come here Egerton? Why did we stay cooped up in that stinking ship for all of those months. Watching all of our friends and relatives die those horrible deaths from all of those terrible diseases that followed us. So we could come to this land of opportunity and possibilities. A place where every man, woman and child can be free to do whatever he, she or it chooses!
EGERTON:
Free to end up as fertilizer? That’s not freedom, that’s just… dumb, dumb.
(Beardsley sniffs the air)
BEARDSLEY:
Oh, no… I can smell the turkey… the yams… and is that the maize?
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Come on baby, give in to it. If you’re friendly, we might even reserve a little piece of land where you can live and raise your family. Maybe start your own business; like a casino or something.
BEARDSLEY:
Okay, okay! I give up.
EGERTON:
Yes! Let me just change into something a little less stuffy and we’ll get going.
CHAPPAQUIDDICK:
Alrighty then! It’s right through those trees and over the next hill.
She leaves.
EGERTON:
Alright. I’m going to get changed. (he starts to leave) Hey, don’t you think we should bring something? I mean, it wouldn’t be neighborly to show up empty handed.
BEARDSLEY:
Right. I’ll grab some of those blankets we brought over with us.
EGERTON:
Right!
BEARDSLEY:
Oh, and why don’t we bring some of that whiskey. I’m sure they’ll get a kick out of that.
END
Art and Music in Our Souls 