Directed by Maryssa Wanlass
Featuring Melissa Ortiz, Rebecca Kemper & Mark Vashro
At Rise: Dopium and Entrophus are on stage. They are both dressed in clothing that is simple and generic. Dopium is dressed in garb apropos of a slave, Entrophus is dressed as her master. Throughout the play, one piece of clothing (perhaps a vest or hat) will distinguish the Dopium/Entrophus of Brooklyn from the Dopium/Entrophus of Poughkeepsie.
All those who hear are welcome to this tale /Of two families torn in two by fate. / Four fair girls born; two ravenous, two frail / And then split; two chaste, two wanting a date. / Both sets of maidens, as is accepted In yarns that are told in such a fashion, / Had twin names though they were disconnected. / Some gawkers find this as a distraction.
Entrophus: Two maids were servants to the other two / But since their proclivities were varied / Conditions were hexed and things thrown askew / And the consonance of each was parried. / I ask ye all now to keep your mind spry / And not swill so much ale to be tipsy. / Four maidens’ life and love will go awry In both / Brooklyn and in fair Poughkeepsie.
Dopium and Entrophus of Poughkeepsie are walking down the streets of Brooklyn.
Dopium of P.: I thank thee for bringing me on your trip. / Thou has’t not brought me since our fatal trek / When from thy husband we last took our leave.
Entrophus of P.: Ah, yes, I do remember some of that / But other parts are vague and out of mind.
Dopium of P.: Of course, my Lady, that was very clear / As in that bar thou turned so drunken blind / That ne’er a passing booty was not pinched / And words with lustful overtones were heard / While from lords breeches jolly members wrenched. / It was a spectacle to b’hold as then / The gents, so flustered they did turn and run / And thou mad’st no attempt to chase.
They both laugh heartily
Entrophus of P.: What can I say, my faithful Dopium, / When I have a taste for something that’s sweet, / I venture to the city for a bite!
They laugh again, heartily
Entrophus of P.: Dopium, thy skills as wingwoman do / Surpass all other base and scurrilious knave. / I beg thee, find me hence a man to mend / My lonely loins. I care not what you spend
She throws a bag of coins at Dopium who rushes off .
Entrophus of P.: Oh thou fair and degenerate Brooklyn, / It amuses me that verily you / Can provide a fair muse to take away / The dull and tedious boredom I must bear / When e’re my brutish husband is nearby.
Dopium of Brooklyn walks casually by Entrophus of S.:
Dopium of B.: Brown Cow! Just kiddingest my lady.
Entrophus of P.: Dos’t thou mock me? Wherest be my ham shank?
Dopium of B.: I know not of what you ask of me now. / I was sent out for butter and some bread. / Not anything that dost wallow or oink.
Entrophus of P.: I asked you, wench, for something I might boink!
Dopium of B.: Surely, ma’am, I cannot be asked to find / Something so debauched since thou art married!
Entrophus of P.: Dos’t thou thinkest, wench, I know not of that? / My corpulent betrothed makest me ill! / Hence I come here fortnightly to conspire / And find a lonely gentleman who will / Satisfy me and not fill me with ire. / Which, if this knave you now will not provide, / I will, forsooth, now tan your fucking hide.
She chases Dopium of Brooklyn but Dopium is too quick and runs off.
Entrophus of P.: Damn that wench! I cannot catch her ever. / Her workouts at the gym must surely stop. / I will revoke her membership today. / But first I must find someone here for sex. / I care not if he be called Fred or Rex.
Entrophus of P. exits. Immediately Dopium of S. enters.
Dopium of P.: My lady, back I come with precious news! / Lady Entrophus wherefore dost thou hide? / I found a comely gent whose package waits / With special deliv’ry so thou might ride.
She looks but cannot find her.
Dopium of P.: Alas, she hast gone thence to find some other / Surly lout who’s looking for a Mother. All is well. ‘Haps tonight I get lucky!
She starts to leave but bumps into Entrophus of Brooklyn
Entrophus of B.: Fair handmaiden, hast thou bread and butter?
Dopium of P.: Thy bread is spent on one who waits for thee / Whose butter melts now in antiquity.
Entrophus of B.: Prudish are my ears for innuendo! / I’ll rend some soap to clean thy tongue and lips!
Dopium of P.: These are high and haughty words from thy mouth / After I have found some hands for your hips!
Entrophus of B.: I will not hear this, lean and slutty whore!
Dopium of P.: I thank thee for the lean but not the whore. / Whilst the slut be staring me in the face!
Entrophus of B.: How darest thou! Best ye run now posthaste!!
(Entrophus of B. begins to chase Dopium of P. but, alas, cannot catch her. She is gone. Entrophus B. ponders.)
Entrophus of B.: Methinks there lives a moon that enchants her. / For ‘til this time her words were clean and pure. / And her chaste and hallowed tongue did show clear / That she thinks not of such things as a rear. / Nor bust nor such clandestine thoughts at all. / For if, forsooth, there e’re was such a call, / I would fall into those arms with such force / As to bring Eros down without remorse.
She takes her leave. Enter Dopium of Brooklyn
Dopium of B.: Wild thoughts leap about my dazed cranium! / My rouséd heart beats fervid and o’erwrought. Was my mistress possessed of faculty? / Her count’nance was harsh and swaggered with zeal! / And were it not for my skill to conceal, / Perchance my soft walls might unfold forthwith. / As before faith in such heat was a myth.
Entrophus of P. enters
Entrophus of P.: There thou art, thou disgracious mountebank! / Hast thou no tongue left to lash at me now? / My purse now empty and equal my nest / And time slipping out like sand through a crack! / What sayeth ye, thou loutish cockblocker?
Dopium of B.: Fair Lady, dost thou not see there is more / Chance for pleasure if a hen ye explore?
Entrophus of P.: What’s this? Have ye madness atop insolence?
Dopium of B.: If this is pleasing to thee, ‘tis immense! / The fairer of sex be softer of skin / And ne’er has the lack of a rod been lost / When seeking the comfort of Love therein. / And think thee, hence of the savings in cost.
Entrophus P. ponders
Entrophus of P.: I have oft thought of what lies ‘tween thy parts. / Prithee, lead me through thy hope slowly now. / We’ll speak more of soft arrows and lewd hearts / While testing what we each will disallow.
Entrophus B. enters immediately.
Entrophus B.: O, that the fever which wells within cease! / There is naught to compare to this am’rous / Welling inside that doth wobble my knees / And, in truth, makest me feel like a klutz! / Verily, I lapse into unreason.
Dopium of P.: enters with a Stud Muffin
Dopium of P.: Ho! My Lady! I find thee only now? / Hast thou foundest some butter for thy churn? / Verily, this minion came with thy coin. / Woulds’t thou care to pair with him in my stead? / He is filled with fire and is broad of loin.
Entrophus of B.: Nay. Methinks there would be no pleasure in’t / Were there not the presence of another. / Might thy spirit be bold enough to fuse / With two of us both who could so amuse?
Dopium of P. is stunned. There is a huge uncomfortable pause.
Dopium of P.: That Soundeth Good.