Directed by Ignacio Zulueta
Featuring Malcolm Rodgers, Amy Lizardo & Aeron Macintyre
Characters:
HAMLET (aka) Josh – Malcolm Rodgers – 50s – dressed in full doublet and hoes of traditional Hamlet black – first time Hamlet having avoided the role his entire career.
DIRECTOR – Aeron Macyntire – 50s – dressed casually in modern clothes – believes in Josh’s Hamlet-playing abilities.
CONSKULLTANT – Amy Lizardo – 30s – dressed for business – a specialist. The iambic-pentameter in which she speaks should be phrased as naturalistically as possible, subtly highlighting the rhymes. **IMPORTANT** If parts are printed in the program “CONSKULLTANT” should be notated as “DEBORAH.”
Setting:
An empty stage with a skull at one end, close to the edge of the stage.
Oh that that earth which kept the world in awe
Should patch a wall to expel the winter’s flaw
– Hamlet, Act V
Lights up on HAMLET on the opposite side of the stage from the skull. He recites his lines miming to an absent Horatio.
DIRECTOR sits silently in the audience, incognito.
HAMLET
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio, a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. He hath bore me on his back a thousand times, and now how abhorr’d in my imagination it is. My gorge rises at it. (Pointing from across the stage) Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now…
DIRECTOR
(Yelling from his seat in the audience) Pick it up!
HAMLET
(Edging toward skull with barely controlled disgust) Where be your gibes now? Your gambols, (Stops and faces the audience half way to the skull) your songs, your flashes of merriment…
DIRECTOR
Pick it up!
HAMLET
(Resuming walking toward the skull) Your gambols, your songs, (Stops again) your flashes of…
DIRECTOR
Don’t be a pussy, Hamlet!
HAMLET
(To director) Hey fuck you, Frank.
DIRECTOR
(Unamused) Save it for Act Four.
HAMLET
(Steels himself and goes for the skull, not acting but yell-speaking his lines with a scrunched face like a kid watching a scary movie) where-be-your-gibes-now-your-gambols-your-songs-your-flashes-of-merriment-that-were-wont-to-set-the-table-on-a-roar…(lightly touches skull and recoils in disgust) Baaaa! No. I’m sorry. I quit. I can’t.
DIRECTOR
You can!
HAMLET
Nope. I’m done.
DIRECTOR
Goddamn it. (Director rises from seat and comes on stage). “Nope” isn’t an option. Jesus Josh, you asked for me for this!
HAMLET
I was wrong.
DIRECTOR
But I cast you, even though you’re about 20 years too old!
HAMLET
I’m sorry.
DIRECTOR
(Leveling with him) How many Polonius’s have you played? Taking someone else’s shit as Rosencrantz?! It’s your turn!
HAMLET shakes head in resignation
DIRECTOR CON’T
No. I cast you because I believe in you. (Picks up skull) And I’m not going to let Jeffery (holds it out toward HAMLET)…
HAMLET
(Recoiling in fear) Jesus!
DIRECTOR
…be the reason you throw it away. (Takes a cell phone out of his pocket using the hand that is not holding the skull and dials)
HAMLET
What are you doing?
DIRECTOR
I’m getting you help. (Speaking into the phone) Hello Deborah…Yes, hi. It’s like we thought….Alright. Thank you. (Hangs up)
HAMLET
Who was that? What’s going on?
DIRECTOR
(Puts down skull) Look, Josh. (speaking as though he has been counseled to say the following) I want you to know that you’re not alone. There are tons of people with (stuttering) osteophobia.
HAMLET
Osteophobia? It’s just one skull. I don’t understand.
Enter CONSKULLTANT, rushing in with practiced poise under pressure, through main entrance to theater (the door by the bar).
DIRECTOR
(Seeing CONSKULTANT) Deborah, Hi. Thank you so much.
CONSKULLTANT and DIRECTOR shake
CONSKULLTANT
Hello. So, is this our Hamlet?
HAMLET
And you are?
DIRECTOR
(To CONSKULLTANT) Yes, that’s him.
CONSKULLTANT
He’s a little old.
HAMLET
Hey!
DIRECTOR
Don’t worry about it.
HAMLET
(Getting their attention) Hello?! Excuse me? What is going on here?!
CONSKULLTANT
(apologetically to HAMLET) Oh, how rude. Deborah Isaacs.
The two share an uncomfortable handshake
HAMLET
Josh Conner. What are you doing here
CONSKULLTANT
Working for you. I’m a conskulltant.
HAMLET
A what?
CONSKULLTANT
A conskulltant.
DIRECTOR
She’s a specialist, Josh.
CONSKULLTANT
I’m here to help you, but I need you to work with me:
Because no matter how you struggle to ignore it,
You’re going to have to make your peace with Yorick.
HAMLET
(To DIRECTOR) Was that iambic pentameter?
DIRECTOR
It’s supposed to help you remember.
HAMLET
It doesn’t matter, anyway. I’m out! I’ll even dry clean your doublet.
DIRECTOR
No. That’s your doublet, buddy. And you’re my Hamlet. And you’re gonna listen to the conskulltant, and get your goddamn head straight!
HAMLET
(Sitting down on the stage like a petulant teenager) Kill me.
CONSKULLTANT
(Swooping in on HAMLET) Is that really what you’d like? Are you contemplating your own death? Fearing it, (Whispering) or secretly wishing for it:
It’s well within the “Hamlet” mentality
To be thinking of your own mortality.
HAMLET
Please don’t try to psychoanalyze me.
CONSKULLTANT
Fine. I’d just be doing your job anyway. To play this role you need to be your own analyst. (Motions to DIRECTOR to hand her the skull, he brings it to her and she holds it in front of HAMLET)
It’s you who asks the question here, not me.
Say it Hamlet, “To be, or not to be?”
HAMLET
(Stares at her for a beat dumbfounded) Be. (Gets up and walks across the stage) Look, I’m 56. I made my peace with that question decades ago.
CONSKULLTANT
Have you?
HAMLET
Yes. And Frank has done a wonderful job of dredging it up again for this part, but that’s still not it.
DIRECTOR
(Exasperated) Than what is? I’ve seen you think your way into a woman’s body for a part, play a two year old child. What is it about the skull?
HAMLET
You’re going to think it’s ridiculous.
CONSKULLTANT
No one’s judging you.
HAMLET
I just think that (pointing to the skull) should be private. It was inside someone’s body, the most personal place. And now I’m supposed to manhandle it on stage? What if those were my grandmother’s bones, or my father’s? I’d be mortified.
CONSKULLTANT
But in the world of the play, this man was both your father and your fool.
HAMLET
And you want me to treat him like a tool.
DIRECTOR
Josh, don’t you know who this is? (takes skull from CONSKULLTANT, cradling it) This is Jeffery Gates, founder of this theater company. He willed his skull to us for Hamlet.
HAMLET
Bullshit.
CONSKULLTANT
It’s true. It happens all the time:
Both Patrick Stewart and Ian Mckellen
Have willed the RSC their cerebellum.
DIRECTOR
Laurence Olivier, the Booth Brothers, all the greats
Don’t take this wish away from Mr. Gates.
HAMLET looks at the skull, suddenly more amenable to touching it.
CONSKULLTANT
You can do it.
HAMLET Reaches out and puts his hand on the cheek of the skull for a few seconds as he begins to remove his hand DIRECTOR puts his own hand on top of HAMLET’S securing it to the skull.
DIRECTOR
Oh no you don’t.
Black Out
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 