Directed by Alison Whismore
Featuring Nicole Slovinec, Tim Meehan, Eden Neuendorf & Aeron Macintyre
EDEN, the newlywed bride TIM, the newlywed groom AERON, the videographer NICOLE, the dancer
VOICEOVER: And now ladies and gentlemen. Let’s welcome Tim and Eden to the stage for their first dance as Mr. and Mrs. Brumblepfister. (applause from booth and wings and audience as Tim and Eden take the stage, dressed for their wedding reception.)
EDEN: Gosh, this is so embarrassing.
TIM: Not as much as my bachelor party. (They laugh.)
TIM: Hey DJ! (snaps fingers) Play us a song. (volume up on Etta James’ “AT LAST” )
EDEN: Oh, Timmy…
TIM: That’s Timmy Brumblepfister to you, Mrs. Brumblepfister. (they slow dance like teenagers. Aeron creeps on, wearing headset and camera. He rotates around them, giving direction.)
AERON: Big smiles… Cheat out… Find your light…
EDEN: (whispered) Excuse me? AERON: This is the most romantic moment of your life. (nudges) Get your arm into frame. EDEN: Who are you? AERON: (sighs) Kill the music. (signals to DJ – MUSIC OUT.) EDEN: Excuse me- TIM: Let him work honey. AERON: All right we’ll schedule some pickups later. (to audience) And now, welcome to the newest TV sensation: (Lights go WILD as Dancing with The Stars theme music plays.) AERON: Slowdancing with the Stars! Featuring three time slowdance champion Nichole Nickleby. (enter Nicole in sparkly outfit, dancing. She dances into the shots Aeron films below.) AERON: And introducing our celebrity panel of judges. (Aeron shoots himself from 3 angles in three different voices) Aeron Aguecheek: (angle 1) “Nice to be here.” Aeron Abfab. (angle 2) “Just absofabu-lutely excited to be here, Aeron!” Thanks Aeron. (angle 2) “You’re welcome sugarpuss.” And Aeron Alcoholia. (angle 3) “Where’s my drink you hack?” EDEN: Celebrity judges? AERON: (angle 2) “You betcha cute-toot-pa-rooty!” EDEN: But you’re all the same person! NICOLE: He makes them all look different in postproduction. AERON: Ahem, I’m working here? (angle 3) “Where’s my drink you hack?” I’ll go get it right now, Aeron. (pans to self) Talent. What can you do, right? (pans to Nicole) NICOLE: Liquor sponsorship by Fourloko. It’s just not fun until you black out. Fourloko! AERON: And cut. (angle 3) “What about my drink”? (cam on self) On it. (exits, handing camera to Nicole) EDEN: There must be some kind of mistake. Tim, I asked you to hire a wedding videographer, not a one man reality TV show. NICOLE: One man? What am I, chopped liver? Who do you think writes this? EDEN: Reality TV has writers? (Nicole face palms) EDEN: Honey, there’s been a mistake. TIM: Are you kidding? They brought the catering tonight. NICOLE: (films herself) Craft Services by Junko Foodcorp. Got diabetes? Well why not? Junko. AERON: (re-entering tossing drink. Nicole pans to him) And let’s meet our newest competitors: The Bumfisters. EDEN: Brumblepfisters. AERON: Yeah. Are you ready to show America what you’ve got? NICOLE: (goes to Nicole) Let’s do this, Tim. EDEN: What? Why are you dancing with her? TIM: Free lessons, honey. AERON: DJ, spin the track. It’s high time… To slow down. (slowdance music plays: “Hungry Eyes” or “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us” Nicole & Tim slowdance.) AERON Oh yeah. (comments and films angle 1) “Bold opening by Tim. Slumped shoulders. Both feet planted. Classic grade school technique. (angle 2) “We have a head cuddle close hold forward frame. Absocutey- tootly adorable! Right, Aeron Alcholia?” (angle 3) “This song makes me think of my first wife. I need another drink.” (Tim’s hand strays as the chorus hits.) EDEN: Hey! AERON: (pans with question) What’s the matter Eden? EDEN: What the hell is he doing? AERON: (pans with question) Looks like Timmy is making his big move! EDEN: Tim! (removes his hand) TIM: Honey its just a dance! AERON: Great. Tim, can I get it one more time just to be sure? TIM: Sure. (repeats move) Honey, its just a dance! EDEN: What are you doing? AERON: Brilliant, Eden! (pans on her) Can we get that again? (gives an alternate line reading) Try ‘What are you doing?’ EDEN: Get that out of my face! AERON: Or you could do that. Great. I’ll take it. Nicole, confessional? NICOLE: Sure. (to cam) Tim and I have such an amazing connection. For a total beginner he’s really a natural. I’m just worried he might take it too far. Gasp! EDEN: He already did. NICOLE: Yeah I know but the confessional goes before the dance in the final cut. You know, foreshadowing? Context? Reality? EDEN: What are you people talking about? This isn’t reality! Tim and I meeting when our flight got snowed in at Denver International. That’s reality. Thinking Saw III would be a good first date. That’s reality. Holding his hand while he had dysentery in Malawi. Proposing as part of a flash mob. My parents. His parents. This ring. That is reality. That is context. Now kindly please stay the fuck out and let us have our first dance! (Beat. Nicole slow claps. Tim joins. Aeron films. Applause?) EDEN: God you people are vultures! (To Aeron) Breaking into people’s weddings to prey on their insecurity. You think a little free catering and fourloko can make us your little dancing circus monkeys? TIM: But Honey. It’s really good catering. EDEN: What happened to real television? The kind you chose to watch instead of the kind that watches you? With actors who know their lines before they say them? With directors that stay behind the camera. With writers who actually come up with real stories about fake people instead of fake stories about real people? Jesus, honey, what is so wrong about just having a normal wedding video that only 100 people wind up seeing? TIM: Oh, babe. Don’t be mad. I just wanted us to go viral. EDEN: At what cost, Tim? At what cost? (Beat.) NICOLE: First they came for the writer’s union. Work on reality, they said. Travel the world, they said. Forget about a contract, they said. We’ll pay hourly. And nobody spoke up. AERON: And then they came for the editors. Shoot outside the studio, they said. Edit from your laptop, they said. And forget about a contract. We’ll pay hourly. And nobody spoke up. NICOLE: And then they came for the actors. Pretend to be normal people, they said. Just be natural for the camera, they said. Forget about a contract, about health care, about pensions, about residuals… AERON: (pained) Residuals! NICOLE: (comforting Aeron) There there. (out) You see that, America. You did this. You wanted free entertainment? Well this is what it costs! (Tim and Eden watch Aeron suffer. Then:) EDEN: (nonchalant) Did you really do this all for me? (Tim nods. Nicole notices the reconciliation.) (She sneakily films.) EDEN: Awww. That’s almost romantic. TIM: Almost? EDEN: Is the catering really free? (He nods.) EDEN: Timothy Meehan Brumblepfister. You are the only reality I need. (A kiss.) NICOLE: Pssst, DJ! (Music plays: “99 Luftballons” or “The Time of My Life”) AERON: (to Nicole) Hold me? NICOLE: (still filming) Fuck off. (MUSIC SWELLS and END. Alternately, big slowdance finish, where the ensemble asks the people in the front row to slowdance. Depends where this goes in the order.)
Art and Music in Our Souls 