Directed by Colin Johnson
Featuring Melissa Ortiz & Jessica Risco
Conjoined twins, DAISY and VIOLET, enter upstage.
DAISY:
I can’t believe I let you talk me into going through with this.
VIOLET:
Daisy, it was your idea. It’s always been your dream to be a terpsichorean.
DAISY:
Violet, I would never say that. You know I’m allergic to fish.
VIOLET:
That’s a pescetarian. Terpsichorean is a more refined term for professional dancer.
DAISY:
Like a stripper?
VIOLET:
Our cousin Tiffany is not a dancer. Though she is surprisingly flexible.
DAISY:
And she’s got an amazing set of tits. Plus, her stage name, Titanny? It sounds so, exotic.
VIOLET:
Quit stalling. We’re on any minute. We need to make sure you’re prepared.
DAISY:
Maybe we can sneak out before they notice we’re gone.
VIOLET:
How do you plan on pulling that off? We stick out like a pair of pedophiles at a Justin Bieber concert.
DAISY:
Aren’t you worried? What happens if we walk out there and they laugh us off the stage?
VIOLET:
They’ll only laugh if you give them a reason to. You’re not planning on giving them one, are you?
DAISY:
It’s not fair. I’ve never had your confidence.
VIOLET:
This again?
DAISY:
It’s true. You’re more mature, more experienced. You’ll never know what it’s like to be the younger sister.
VIOLET:
I’m only forty seconds older.
DAISY:
You’ve always had the world by the balls and me, I’m stuck, head first, right in the taint.
VIOLET:
What’s going on here, huh? Is this because we’re conjoined?
DAISY:
No. We have spent our entire lives proving we’re not just some carnival attraction. It’s something else.
VIOLET:
Is it because I don’t how to dance? I knew we should have paid for lessons.
DAISY:
It’s not that either.
VIOLET:
Then, is it because of my narcolepsy?
DAISY:
No, it’s because we have two left feet. Of course it’s because of your narcolepsy. I’m a little concerned you might end up falling asleep halfway through our performance.
VIOLET:
It’s a legitimate medical condition.
DAISY:
Fine, if you insist on going through with this, I brought along a little friend, to help.
VIOLET:
What is it?
DAISY:
Don’t be mad.
Daisy pulls out a bag of cocaine.
VIOLET:
Is that powdered sugar? You know that goes straight to our hip.
DAISY:
It’s cocaine, silly.
VIOLET:
Where did you get cocaine?
DAISY:
From the homeless guy who lives behind our dumpster.
VIOLET:
Steve’s a drug dealer? How much did you pay for it?
DAISY:
Nothing. He gave it to me in exchange for a blowjob.
VIOLET:
How did I not know about this?
DAISY:
I don’t have to tell you everything.
VIOLET:
Yeah? Well, I don’t have to tell you everything either. For instance, did you know you’re adopted?
DAISY:
That is not true.
VIOLET:
Why do you think that Indian family lived with us for thirteen years?
DAISY:
I thought they were a foreign exchange family.
VIOLET:
They were your adopted parents, but that’s not the point.
DAISY:
I only want you to take a little bit, just enough so you don’t fall asleep.
VIOLET:
What if I become an addict?
DAISY:
Remember when you wanted to be a lifeguard and I was worried because I couldn’t swim? Well, who was it that put on eight pairs of water wings, swallowed four gallons of seawater, and what I’m pretty sure were two live octopus, all to help you realize your dreams?
VIOLET:
Technically, it’s octopi.
DAISY:
It doesn’t matter because I was happy to do it. I would do anything for you and all I’m asking is for you to snort a little bit of smack, for me. Is that too much to ask? Most people pay good money to do that sort of thing.
VIOLET:
All right. If it’s so important to you, I’ll do it.
DAISY:
You will? Thank you. Daisy pulls out a dollar bill. Here, roll this up and jam it in your nose.
VIOLET:
Am I doing this right? I’ve never done drugs before.
DAISY:
You’re doing perfect. You ready?
VIOLET:
I feel like Lindsay Lohan. What if they do a drug test?
DAISY:
They won’t.
Violet dumps the cocaine in her hand.
VIOLET:
I can’t wait to be strung out. Cocaine powder, it’s so thrilling.
DAISY:
Get with the times, it’s called blow.
Violet blows. Cocaine flies everywhere.
DAISY:
What’d you do that for?
VIOLET:
You told me to blow.
DAISY:
We got herpes for that.
VIOLET:
I thought it was a cold sore.
DAISY:
We’re screwed. There’s no way we can pull this off now.
VIOLET:
Daisy, you can. We can. We don’t need drugs when you’ve got me by your side. I have been there through thick and through thin, and I’m not even counting that time you weighed three hundred pounds, and I will be right beside you the entire time, from now until forever. With you by my side, there’s nothing we can’t do.
DAISY:
You’re right. We can do this.
VIOLET:
That’s the spirit.
DAISY:
Before we go out there, I want you to know one thing.
VIOLET:
What’s that?
DAISY:
You’re the best sister a girl could ever ask for.
VIOLET:
I know. Now, come on, let’s go out there and kick some
ass.
They move downstage. They sing and dance to Eric Idle’s “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”. (While Violet sleeps, Daisy acts as if it’s all part of the routine. When Violet wakes, she’s unaware she fell asleep and continues as if nothing is out of the ordinary.)
VIOLET:
Some things in life are bad.
DAISY:
They can really make you mad.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Other things just make you swear and curse.
VIOLET:
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle.
DAISY:
Don’t grumble, give a whistle.
VIOLET & DAISY:
And this’ll help things turn out for the best. And,
always look on the bright side of life (Whistle).
Always look on the light side of life (Whistle).
VIOLET:
If life seems jolly rotten.
Violet falls asleep, snores.
DAISY:
There’s something you’ve forgotten. And that’s to laugh
and smile and dance and sing. When you’re feeling in
the dumps.
Violet wakes.
VIOLET:
Don’t be silly chumps.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Just purse your lips and whistle that’s the thing. And,
always look on the bright side of life (Whistle).
Always look on the right side of life (Whistle).
DAISY:
For life is quite absurd.
VIOLET:
And death’s the final word.
VIOLET & DAISY:
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
DAISY:
Forget about your sin.
VIOLET:
Give the audience a grin.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.
Violet falls asleep.
DAISY:
So always look on the bright side of death( Whistle).
Violet snores in sync with the whistle.
DAISY:
a-Just before you draw your terminal breath (Whistle).
Life’s a piece of shit.
Violet wakes.
VIOLET:
When you look at it.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
VIOLET:
You’ll see its all a show.
DAISY:
Keep ’em laughing as you go.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
Violet and Daisy encourage the audience to participate.
VIOLET & DAISY:
And, always look on the bright side of life (Whistle).
Always look on the right side of life (Whistle). Always
look on the bright side of life. Always look on the
bright side of life. Always look on the right side of
life. Always look on the right side of life.
Music ends. Violet and Daisy flash jazz hands.
VIOLET & DAISY:
Always look on the bright side of…
Violet falls asleep, snores.
DAISY:
Life
Art and Music in Our Souls 