Directed by Blake Wiers
Featuring Sharmin Sehat, Michael Catlett, Andre Abrahamians & Kelli Crump
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
PRODUCER – any sex, any age, any race
WRITER – any sex, any age, any race
MAYALL’S OBJECT – male, any age, any race
SUNFLOWER – female, any age, any race
Lights up on PRODUCER and WRITER. PRODUCER hovers over WRITER, who sits nervously.
PRODUCER
Yeah, sure, yeah, I guess – I suppose I see where you’re coming from, but I fucking hate it. It’s all been done. Who the hell do you think you are? Do you hear me? YA HEAR ME?!
WRITER
I’m sorry, what?
PRODUCER
People are tired of this drivel, this spit and drivel. You’re the writer, why can’t you write?
WRITER
It’s harder than many people think—
PRODUCER
Sure it is, it’s so hard to put a crayon on a piece of paper and squiggle it around. Do you need a crayon? Is that it? Jesus, you make me sick.
WRITER
Umm–
PRODUCER
We’re treading water, we’ve lost the creative spark. I blame you.
WRITER
Okay.
PRODUCER
So, tell me, why do you feel you’re a good fit for the job?
WRITER
I’m organized. I work hard?
PRODUCER
Is that a question?
WRITER
I’m sorry, I’m terrified.
PRODUCER
This is my problem, Writer. Dancing with stars, in the woods with Stars, Stars applying for jobs, Stars in rehab, Stars taking showers, fat stars losing weight. People are tired of it. I’m tired of it, and I am a person, so that statement must be seen as the complete and total truth.
WRITER
What about washing dishes with stars?
PRODUCER
You’re on the right track, but no. It’s the stars, people are done with the stars. We get it, they lead privileged, glamorous, but emotionally empty lives. Time to move on.
WRITER
So, maybe non-stars?
PRODUCER
No one wants to see normal people doing shit. Shut up.
WRITER
Sorry.
PRODUCER paces nervously, deep in thought. Unsure of what to do, WRITER joins in. They pace together.
PRODUCER
Holy shit! I’m a genius.
WRITER
Yes.
PRODUCER
I’m gonna be rich. I’m gonna be so fucking rich.
WRITER
Fantastic!
PRODUCER
You’re still here?
WRITER
What’s your idea?
PRODUCER
Picture this – better yet, fuck that, just watch.
PRODUCER claps their hands. MUSIC. Two sexy dancers, MAYALL’S OBJECT and SUNFLOWER, emerge from offstage, stand in a neutral position after some slight fanfare.
PRODUCER
Tired of famous people demeaning themselves and desperately trying to validate their futile and shallow existence? Well, we here at the LITERAL MEDIA NETWORK have a brand new show, which will make Planet Earth crap its collective pants. It’s got dance, it’s got spectacle, it’s got drama and sexual tension you can cut with a dull wooden spoon – and it also has stars! But not the stars you’re thinking of, I’m talking bigger stars, the biggest fucking stars. Now let’s meet our contestants:
Music. SUNFLOWER steps forward.
PRODUCER
Discovered by Pierre Mechain in 1779, our first Star hails from the Canes Venatici Galaxy, 37 million light years from our humble speck. She enjoys tending to her several short arms and “just chillin’” with her pals in the neighboring Whirlpool Galaxy, please meet Messier 63, or, as we like to call her, Sunflower!
SUNFLOWER busts out some sweet hippie moves.
PRODUCER
Our next contestant comes from the swirling chaos of two separate galaxies colliding with each other (I smell a sitcom) forming a multi galaxy that closely resembles an erect penis. He’s Ursa Major and proud of it, having travelled a whopping 500 million light years to join us tonight, please welcome Mayall’s Object!
MAYALL’S OBJECT dances a bit, works the crowd.
PRODUCER
Won’t you join us for SPACE DANCING WITH THE STARS!?
PRODUCER approaches the dancers.
PRODUCER
This is the big moment, folks. For the first time in the history of history, two massive cosmic clusters will entwine and gyrate sensually. Tears will be shed. Supernovas will be created. Mayall, who are you dancing for, tonight?
MAYALL’S OBJECT
America.
PRODUCER
Very nice. Sunflower, how about you?
SUNFLOWER
I dedicate this performance to the people – to the people – hmmm – we are – one – yay go!
PRODUCER
Fantastic! These two beautiful entities will now dance the only way objects like them are capable! SPACE DANCE!
MUSIC.
MAYALL’S OBJECT and SUNFLOWER slowly bounce back and forth in a zero gravity environment, trying to make it sexy, but failing miserably, like watching Neil Armstrong try to crunk on the moon.
PRODUCER
Here it comes, folks! The big move!
The dancers, prepare for the Big Move.
MAYALL’S OBJECT
America!
SUNFLOWER
The people!
They are interrupted by WRITER storming the stage, unkempt and disgruntled.
WRITER
Stop this! Stop this now! I have something I wanna say! Let me speak! I wanna say something! Will you give me a voice?! A voice, I want a voice!
PRODUCER
No one’s stopping you.
WRITER
Right. This show is a travesty, an abomination! I was hired to mirror society, breathe life into stagnation. You have taken a pure idea like Washing Dishes With the Stars, and have twisted it into exploitation of life-giving planetary systems! That I cannot abide! CANNOT ABIDE!
PRODUCER
Wait, this gives me an idea. Sunflower, Mayall’s Object, you’re fired. I got a new show idea.
SUNFLOWER
Nooooo.
MAYALL’S OBJECT
America.
They exit.
PRODUCER
Writer, how do you feel about starring in your own primetime special? Disgruntled ex-employees storm their old stomping grounds and vent their frustrations.
WRITER
It sounds like a bit of a cop-out.
PRODUCER
So was Law and Order. Get it? Cop out?! Hah!
WRITER
Hahahaha.
PRODUCER
I’ll make you a star, kid.
WRITER
I thought you said people were tired of stars.
PRODUCER
That was five minutes ago. You in?
WRITER
I’m in!
They jump for joy, freeze in their celebratory positions. MUSIC PLAYS THEM OFF.
END.
Art and Music in Our Souls 