Directed by Melissa Haines
Featuring Christian Haines, Delinda Dane & Peter Townley
CHARACTERS
TOM BONES.(Christian Haines) Tom looks like Tom Jones, the famous Welsh pop singer of songs such as “What’s New Pussycat”. This is the Tome Jones of 20 to 40 years ago: large gold crucifix around his neck, tight pants and tight shirt unbuttoned down to just above his navel. Hopefully lots of chest hair. A fro/mullet wig would be nice. He is not an imitation of the “Tom Jones” in his affect, though. He is perhaps the opposite: whereas the actual Tom was very macho and a lady’s man, this Tom is perhaps the effeminate version but with a temper. He should have a Scottish accent.
BORYSKO STROKURCHENKO.( Peter Townley) Borysko is of Ukrainian descent and is the “Pro”. He is the teacher and choreographer for his “star” partner. Borysko is very serious about dancing. It has been his entire world since age 2, when his parents sent him to a dancing school in Kiev, far from their small farm in the boondocks. Russian Accent.
Kakisha Kardashian. (Delinda Dane) Kakisha is the unknown Kardashian sister of the famous TV family. Kakisha has been hidden by her family because she is just not cool in any way. She is awkward, loud, unable to follow instructions, and perhaps mentally challenged, yet unaware of her “deficiencies”. She does though, like her sisters, have a very prominent buttocks and a large bust. Prosthetics will need to be used to make her butt quite large.
As the lights go up we here the song “Sex Bomb” by Tom Jones playing. On stage are all three characters. Kakisha is dancing alone to the music as the other two watch. Her dance may resemble the dancing styles of Elaine from the TV show, “Seinfeld”.
After letting her go on like this for a while….
TOM
What the hell are you doing?
KAKISHA
Getting ready for rehearsal. Tomorrow is my live debut. Duh.
She keeps up the crazy awful dance as the music continues.
BORYSKO
We warming up Mr. Bones. Dis is an unconventional Ukrainian warm-up routine developed in my country. It looks crazy to you,it is very good for loosening the bones and lubricating the joints and so forth.
KAKISHA
Hells yahs beeatches. (keeps dancing)
TOM
Well, Yer bum’s oot the windae, baby! (to Kakisha)
KAKISHA
What’d you say beeaaaatch? (stops dancing. Music stops)
TOM
I said, Yer bum’s oot the windae!
She approaches Tom and starts assaulting him with her ass.
TOM
Get that thing away from me, you crazy wankerette!
BORYSKO
(Pulling them apart.)
I am very sorry Mr. Bones. Allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Boryisko Strokurchenko, and this is Kakisha Kardashian. She is the unknown Kardashian trying to make name for herself on the T.V. K. K. gets a little excited when she warm up. Gets her various juices flowing. I promise it won’t happen again.
TOM
It better not or I’ll choke both of you with this 24 karat gold crucifix and feed your chopped up bodies to my pet pigs. How about we start working on the number right away? I’m not getting paid enough to spend more than another five minutes with you two reality television blow hards.
BORYSKO
Right away, sir. Please, Johnny (to sound booth) begin the playing of the song “Ain’t no Sunshine When She’s Gone” by the famous Mr. Bones here.
KAKISHA
OOOOOOO, I love this one. Daddy loved it too. I miss my daddy. Did you know O.J.? My daddy was his lawyer, yo.(to Mr. Bones) O.J. was a very famous football player, and an actor, and he liked to chop people up too.
BORYSKO
Okay, Johnny. Start the song.
The song “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone” starts.
Kakisha and Borysko begin in a very sexy pose for the first few bars of the song. Borysko then starts to do some really sexy dancing as does Kakisha, but then she slowly begins to fall back into the “Elaine” dance we saw at the opening. Borysko tries to draw her back in but she keeps up with the awful dancing. He tries to cover.
TOM
Stop! (Music cuts out) You are going to give me a stroke, and Mr. Bones isn’t ready for a stroke!
KAKISHA
Yo, beeatch, I only charge fifty bucks for a stroke, interested? (she approaches Tom in a sexy but extremely geeky way)
BORYSKO
Wo, wo, wo. K.K. come here. (grabs her) We have only have Mr. Bones for a few minutes. No Stroke!
TOM
All right. Let’s get this train wreck back on the track. Every dance needs the Zing move. Let’s see your zing move.
BORYSKO
Zing move? What is dis Zing move?
TOM
You know, the move that will get you those 10s. The one that will make those judges shite in their britches.
BORYSKO
O yes, I think I know what you are meaning. Yes, we have one of dees. It is very much Zing! K.K. let’s show Mr. Bones our “Zing” move.
KAKISHA
Our what, yo?—
BORYSKO
Johnny, please queue up The “Sex Bomb” song again as it is best song for Zing move, and ees good fits for the wild sexiness of K.K.
KAKISHA
You got that right beeeatches.
Borysko and Kakisha assume perhaps the same position that they had at the beginning of the play. Song begins. They begin to dance. The director can choreograph as she sees fit but it should lead to a move where the focus is on the butt as a centerpiece of K.K.’s talents.
TOM
Not bad. I like it. In fact I like it a lot, baby. Reminds me of little schwang thing I had with Tina Turner back in ’75 on my “What’s New Putty-Tat” tour.
Tom starts getting into the groove and joins in on the big move. Tom and K.K. start getting a little hot and heavy, then Tom suddenly tweeks his back and falls to his knees writhing in pain.
Music stops.
KAKISHA
Tommy baby, are you all right?
TOM
It’s just an old back injury from an encounter I had with Suzanne Somers during one of my guest appearances on the set of “Three’s Company”. She did this thing with the thigh master that was dangerous but very schwang.
KAKISHA
Oh poor Tommy baby, let me help you.
TOM
Thanks K.K. baby. Come to my room at the Ritz after rehearsal and work out this kink for me. I heard you Kardashian’s have special powers with your hands.
BORYSKO
That’s eeeeet. You come here Mr. Bones and make trouble for us in our practicing of dees dance for which I have been dreaming my whole life, just so you can get in pants of K.K.
K.K., I have beeg confession to make. I am in loving with you. Before I met you my life was empty, I need to hold you and and be grabbing you by your bulging buttocks. I lust you more than anything on planet.
They embrace/kiss in a very awkward overzealous way as Tom watches in growing anticipation.
The song “Sex Bomb” begins again and K.K. and Borysko begin the dance again as in the opening of play. Tom tries to join in with his injured back but is clearly in pain. They keep dancing until lights and music fades to black out.
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 