Directed by Aeron Macintyre
Featuring Alison Whismore, Christian Haines & Allison Hunter Blackwell
Lights Up. “Save a Horse Ride a Cowboy” Blares.
ANNOUNCER
WELCOME BACK TO ABC’S NEWEST HIT SHOW- VLOGGING WITH THE STARS AND DANCING Introducing…International Vlogger Jane Kinnsey!
Jane eager 20-something rushes on stage in a flannel, jean shorts, boots, smiles, does cheesy cowgirl dance moves then starts doing peace signs across the face, she makes weird sexy faces throughout.
ANNOUNCER
AND GIVE A WARM HAND FOR GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER ROB LOWE!
Applause!
But no Rob Lowe
JANE notices she’s alone, awkwardly moves more center stage. It’s bright, she just stands there, sweating losing confidence. She panics and does the “Carlton dance”
ALANA, VWTS Coach runs and with JANE they start the dance sequence again.
ALANA does the, “peace signs across the face,” KAT mimics
ALANA does “going down unda,” KAT mimics
ALANA does “the monkey,” KAT twerks instead.
ALANA slaps JANE, and then they do a surprising well choreographed partner dance, its pretty badass and they end up in a super cool pose on “SAVE A HORSE, RIDE A COWBOY”
MUSIC OUT.
ALANA
Well, that was shit. Take 5.
JANE goes off stage to get some Cake. ALANA fiddles with herself on stage.
A phone rings. LEE, Douche-tacular power Agent enters and on a Bluetooth.
LEE
Well of course I know its’ not mine. It’s not Rob’s either. Tell her, tell that conniving Young Adult neophyte actress wannabe that my client denies denies denies. WHY? Have you seen the baby? It’s a…shade darker than expected. That’s all I’m saying. The Baby’s face is…
(whisper)
Not Jewish. (to camera guy) Wait, you’re not recording this for the show are you?
LEE exits.
JANE stuffs her face with cake.
ALANA
I told you to stop eating cake before rehearsal.
JANE
I have diabetes.
ALANA
Then you shouldn’t be eating cake.
JANE
Do you know what 16 million TV viewers, 3.75 million twitter followers, 150,000 Facebook friends, 2,000 phone contacts and 900 tinder matches love about me? That I have my cake and I eat it too.
ALANA
You have the personality of a zip code in Ohio.
JANE
Maybe I do, but at least I’m irreplaceable, and you’re just the wrinkly hired hand that’ll be gone by next week’s episode.
ALANA
Every time I have to watch you dance I contemplate walking into a busy intersection.
JANE steps forward for an entry to her Vlog.
JANE
I have many most memorable years living, but the most significant year of my life was living in the shadow of Lena Dunham, which stunted my career as a serious journalist. The first few years were tough, people stopped me on the street saying “Ew, look it’s Lena Dunham.” It was hard for a while- ghost writing some fan fiction for the Kim Kardashin Sex Blog. UNTIL my big break… I noticed that Clint Eastwood used a fake baby in American Sniper. This is a huge issue, and I’m very passionate about the discrimination of using live babies in Hollywood movies. #notmybaby Anyway I’m a guest blogger for the New York Post now, thanks for watching!
ALANA
Hey Dick.
LEE
(on Bluetooth)
What’s up Tanya?
ALANA
It’s Alana.
LEE
(winks)
Right back at ya. Hold on…yeah tell Denzel he can suck my dick unless he agrees to be in Disney’s next animated comic book Adaptation. The one with the all white family. Yeah well, I don’t know the one with Ice? Yes he’s playing the Black superhero. What do you think? (hangs up) That guy’s a racist.
ALANA
Listen we have to talk-
LEE
Okay I should have apologized, yes I’m married. But hey look, nobody’s perfect. We’re so good together, we are. We always finish each others…
ALANA
…Sentences.
LEE
Sentences! Bam!
ALANA
I don’t think we’re that close.
LEE
God I love you.
ALANA
I’m pregnant.
LEE
You think it’s mine?
ALANA
It could be! Or it could be Rob Lowe’s. (pause) Say something.
LEE
(comforting)
Oh my god.
(panic)
This is TERRIBLE!
ALANA
Aww, you poor complicated man, come here.
LEE approaches her. ALANA slaps the shit out of his face. JANE enters with cake.
ALANA
Me being pregnant isn’t terrible!
JANE
You’re what? But you’re so old….compared to me, I mean.
ALANA
Don’t put that in the NY Times.
JANE
It’s the NY Post.
LEE
You mean the TV show?
ALANA
I’m hungry.
LEE
I think there’s cake around here.
ALANA steps forward. JANE and LEE gorge on the cake.
ALANA
When I moved to LA, I got an offer the first week working for those perverts down in the San Fernando Valley. It was degrading work, arching my back in tacky costumes giving all kinds of assholes whatever flavor they desired…vanilla, chocolate, Chinese gelato. And I thought to myself, what if I don’t have to work at Baskin Robbins and didn’t have to scoop my sweets for others, what if I could scoop sweets for myself. But now I’m fucking pregnant and I’m going to end up as one of those desperately spoiled housewives of Gardena. Shit. I’m hungry.
ALANA stuffs her face with cake.
LEE
OKAY! Uh. I have some…bad news. I went to Rob’s house and um, nobody seemed to be answering the door, so uh, I went inside and Rob was you know, we went into the bedroom door and it was locked and uh, I uh, kicked in the door, and(sighs), I got in and Rob was….he was gone.
ALANA
He’s gone?
LEE
He’s gone all groovy on us.
JANE
Can you be professional for one second?
LEE
He’s gone baby.
JANE
ROB LOWE’S DEAD?
ALANA
Calm down Jane. But seriously where the fuck is Rob Lowe?
LEE
Hey hey, relax. I got this. Jane, you poor wounded gazelle you. Bring it in.
LEE takes JANE into his arms. Lee kisses JANE on the head.
JANE
What are you doing?
LEE
I’m sorry, I must have misread the signs.
JANE
I know what’s going on. I may be from Kansas, but I’m not from Kansas.
LEE
Oh. Of course. You’re a lesbian right, how’s the softball team?
ALANA
ROAR! LEE THAT’S ENOUGH!
ALANA grabs LEE, pins him down and threatens to cake his face.
ALANA
WHERE THE HELL IS ROB LOWE?
LEE
Okay okay relax, he’s not…coming back-
ALANA
WHY LEE?
LEE
Alright,…he’s a shooting the new Wes Anderson movie-
JANE
WHAT’S IT ABOUT?
LEE
It’s just another quirky stylized palate saturated overly complicated story about young love, and it takes place in North Korea. (pause) Rob’s bailing on you.
JANE
NO, HE CAN’T! Should I tweet this?
LEE
And this show isn’t making it past episode 4.
ALANA
But, episode 4 is…tonight.
JANE sits down on the ground next to the cake. ALANA lets LEE go. She plops to the ground.
LEE
I’m sorry. Can you believe they’re replacing it for a TV show starring Scott Bakula?
ALANA
Get out.
LEE prepares to go.
LEE
So the baby? I’m already paying 2 child supports –
ALANA
I don’t need your help.
LEE exits. They sit. Jane offers ALANA cake. ALANA looks at it, accepts.
ALANA
This doesn’t mean we’re friends.
JANE takes ALANA’s hand.
They eat cake in silence.
Blackout.
Art and Music in Our Souls 