Directed by Colin Johnson
Featuring Sarah David, Aeron Macintyre, Jess Thomas & Colin Johnson
In the dark: sound of a couple reaching orgasm. It’s natural;; they’ve been dating a while. The upper left special illuminates, framing SARAH and ANDRE standing against the wall in a rectangular bed of white light. They are partly clothed & partly under a sheet. It should look like a topdown view of the bed.
SARAH: Happy three month anniversary!
SARAH: That was kind of…
ANDRE: You’re welcome.
SARAH: Hey Andre?
ANDRE: Yes Sarah?
SARAH: What’s your favorite kind of porn?
ANDRE: The kind we just made?
SARAH: Wait. Did you…
SARAH: Did you just record what we did?
ANDRE: You’re welcome. ( beat ) Just kidding.
SARAH: Asshole! How could you joke about that?
ANDRE: I’m sorry, you gave me the opportunity. I had the skill. It was like peanut butter and chocolate. I just had to mix it up.
SARAH: ( cuddles ) Meanie.
ANDRE: ( cuddles ) You’re welcome.
SARAH: It figures you’d be into revenge porn.
SARAH: Don’t act so innocent.
ANDRE: But I’m not into-
SARAH: I bet you like it when the girl pretends to not know she’s being recorded. Or when the guy says he’s making an audition tape but there’s not really a movie at all?
SARAH: Or its supposed to be the guys ex girlfriend
SARAH: Or a suspiciously well-lit high definition surveillance tape
SARAH: Or there’s a van or a bus or a limo and the guys just drive
off when they’re done?
ANDRE: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
SARAH: ( winks ) Suuure. Look, all I’m saying is : there’s 56 other varieties of ice cream out there. Come try what I’m having sometime, you know what I mean?
ANDRE: I think you mean ketchup.
SARAH: I think I mean porn.
ANDRE: Wait. You watch porn?
SARAH: Of course.
ANDRE: Is this a prank?
ANDRE: Did our friends put you up to this?
SARAH: Why would they do that?
ANDRE: I don’t know, why would you drop a bomb during our afterglow?
SARAH: I don’t know, why would you say you recorded us having sex?
ANDRE: I just can’t believe you watch porn.
SARAH: Loosen up, babe. Next you’ll be saying you can’t believe I poop out my butt.
ANDRE: It’s not the same! Look, can we talk about something else. (Sarah makes a pooping noise.)
SARAH: Ask me about my favorite porn then.
ANDRE: I don’t want to know!
Sarah resumes her pooping noise.
ANDRE: Do they look like me?
SARAH: Who, the poops?
ANDRE: No! Your favorite kind. Of… You know-
ANDRE: More specific.
SARAH: Oh! Well. For starters, there’s more than one.
ANDRE: At the same time?!
SARAH: Per movie. ( beat ) As for guys it’s the whole gamut, really. When they’re not ripped and injected it’s all done with camera angles, you know?
SARAH: You know, like when the girl like holds up her fist,
SARAH: and then she points to her elbow, and then back up to her fist, and
SARAH: You know she’s totally like an anorexic gymnast with stubby little doll arms, but still! The illusion! Damn. ( beat ) 57 Varieties, am I right?
ANDRE: I don’t watch porn.
ANDRE: I’m serious. I don’t-
(she laughs harder)
SARAH: Oh my god. You’re serious.
ANDRE: I said I was serious.
SARAH: Yeah, but.
ANDRE: But what?
SARAH: How did you learn about sex?
ANDRE: By having it.
SARAH: Huh. (thinks) Weird.
ANDRE: What do you mean- Wait.
SARAH: Oh jeez/
ANDRE: /You learned about sex from porn?
SARAH: Well if you were going to have a teacher, wouldn’t you like them to get paid for the subject they’re teaching in?
ANDRE: Have you made a porn?
ANDRE: Have you made a sex tape?
SARAH: Why would you ask?
ANDRE: Why do you think?
SARAH: Seriously? Let’s break this shit down. ( hand talking ) Fiction. Reality. Pornography. Sex. Risk of venereal disease. Immaculate plumbing. Faking It. Making It.
(He takes her ‘Making It’ hand)
ANDRE: You mean it?
SARAH: There is a reason the guys don’t look like you. There is a reason the girls don’t look like me. It’s like, I don’t know, commercials. Except they’re not selling anything that you don’t already have. So it’s more like, I don’t know, a Public Service Announcement. Only actually worth watching, you know?
ANDRE: I never thought of it that way before.
SARAH: 57 Varieties, baby. There is this whole multimillion dollar entertainment industry out there trying their damndest to be my fluffer, but when it comes to the main show: honey, you’re my star.
ANDRE: Hey, Sarah.
SARAH: Yes, Andre?
ANDRE: What’s a fluffer?
SARAH: (beat) Close your eyes and I’ll show you.
(Andre closes his eyes.)
ANDRE: Is this something from one of your movies?
(Sarah takes out her phone.)
SARAH: It sure is… Keep them closed now…
(He does. She begins recording as she reaches over and…)
(THE PLAY ENDS)