Directed by Alison Whismore
Featuring Andre Abrahamians & Eden Neuendorf
Cast of Characters
CASHIER: Female, chameleonic, clever
ROBBER: Male, threatening, inept
Props: Cell phone, water pistol,
bag, fake money, party hat,
kazoo, party popper, pen,
paper
Sounds: The Price Is Right Theme, The Price Is Right Losing Horn
CASHIER, female, chameleonic, clever, on her cell, stands behind a cash wrap.
CASHIER:
Girl, it is dead in here. Why can’t some bitch rob this joint? I’d be all like, what up mother fucker, ain’t no one messing with me. Shit, I gots to let you go, there’s someone coming.
She hangs up the cell.
CASHIER (CONT):
I am like super good at fitting in with my black friends.
ROBBER, male, threatening, inept, pantyhose cover his face, barges onstage.
ROBBER:
Get your ass on the fucking floor.
Price Is Right theme music plays.
CASHIER:
Please, don’t hurt me.
ROBBER:
I said get your ass on the fucking floor.
CASHIER:
But this top is Ann Taylor.
He pulls out a gun.
ROBBER:
And this is a nine millimeter.
CASHIER:
I’ll go down. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Robber pulls out a bag.
ROBBER:
Put the money in the fucking bag.
CASHIER:
How am I supposed to put the money in the fucking bag
when I’m lying on the floor?
ROBBER:
Stand back up then.
CASHIER:
Up, down. Up, down. Are you a robber or an aerobics instructor?
ROBBER:
Just hand over the fucking money.
CASHIER:
Do you want what’s in the March of Dimes jar too? It’s all pennies and nickles.
She gives him the bag. He flees, hesitates. Price is Right theme music stops playing.
ROBBER:
I really shouldn’t ask, but what’s the deal with The Price Is Right music?
CASHIER:
It’s a voice activated system. It goes off whenever someone yells.
ROBBER:
I don’t get it.
CASHIER:
You were supposed to be our one millionth customer.
Cashier puts on a party hat, blows on a kazoo, pulls the string on a party popper.
CASHIER (CONT):
Congratulations.
Price is Right theme music briefly plays.
ROBBER:
Really? What would I have won?
CASHIER:
A hundred million dollars.
ROBBER:
Are you serious?
CASHIER:
Yep.
ROBBER:
How much is in the bag?
CASHIER:
Thirty six dollars and sixty seven cents.
ROBBER:
Oh? Surprise.
Price is Right theme music briefly plays.
ROBBER (CONT):
It was a prank. See, this isn’t even a real gun.
He shoots water in her face.
CASHIER:
I’m calling the cops.
ROBBER:
No, I swear. It was your manager’s idea.
CASHIER:
What’s his name?
ROBBER:
Jeffrankarlarry?
CASHIER:
Are you having a stroke?
ROBBER:
Tim? Is it Tim?
CASHIER:
His name is Prajwant Jagargupta.
ROBBER:
Tim for short?
CASHIER:
Nice try, but you don’t qualify anyway.
ROBBER:
Why not?
Price is Right losing horn plays.
CASHIER:
Because you’re not a paying customer.
ROBBER:
I’ve got thirty six dollars and sixty seven cents. What can I buy?
CASHIER:
Condoms. You’ll need them in jail.
ROBBER:
How about we split the money? Twenty, eighty? Thirty, seventy?
CASHIER:
Eighty, twenty.
ROBBER:
That’s robbery.
CASHIER:
Ninety, ten, or I call the cops.
ROBBER:
Fine, what do I need to do?
CASHIER:
Give me back the money.
He hands her the bag.
CASHIER (CONT):
Now write down your name and address and we’ll send a check in the mail.
She hands him a pen and paper.
ROBBER:
I can’t believe I got so lucky. It’s like when skill and opportunity meet. Woo-hoo.
Price is Right theme music briefly plays.
ROBBER (CONT):
I’m incredibly sorry, about all this. Honestly, it’s the first time I’ve tried to rob someone.
CASHIER:
I couldn’t tell.
ROBBER:
Lately, life’s been really rough. I can’t afford the rent on my apartment. I’m about to get evicted.
CASHIER:
Why don’t you get a job?
ROBBER:
I already got one. I’m the VP of fraud at Google. I make a crapload of money, but I’ve got a serious addiction to hookers. And gambling. And drugs. Lots and lots of drugs. Hey, you know who the real criminals are? Those landlords in the Mission District.
CASHIER:
The irony. You can’t afford the rent but it’s people like you who make it unaffordable in the first place.
ROBBER:
My wife left me because I forgot to buy fair trade coffee. My daughter hates me because I bought her an Android instead of an iPhone. And to top it off, my son came out of the closet.
CASHIER:
Why do you care?
ROBBER:
He’s not gay. He’s questioning his political orientation. I am a very tolerant person but I will not accept a member of my family becoming a Republican.
CASHIER:
You’re absolutely right, it’s worse than being a Kardashian.
Robber hands back the pen and paper.
ROBBER:
Do you need anything else?
CASHIER:
That’s about it.
ROBBER:
I’m rich. Woo-hoo.
Price is Right theme music briefly plays.
Robber exits.
CASHIER:
Unbelievable. My idea for the new robbery prevention
system actually worked.
Art and Music in Our Souls 