Directed by Sean Garahan
Featuring Maryssa Wanlass, Mark Vashro & Christian Haines
Tim is talking to his computer.
TIM
Wait to play the music until I’m kneeling.
TIM’S MOTHER’S VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER
I put the post-it on my face, right? Honey, put it-
TIM
No, Mommy- Dad, put the post-it over the camera so our screen will look blank. You’ll be able to hear and see- Keys heard in the door, Tim scrambles to look casual.
ELIZABETH
Okay, so come- oh you’re home!
Elizabeth quickly shuts the door behind her.
TIM
Surprise!
ELIZABETH
I thought you were going to be home after six.
TIM
I got off early. Are you okay?
ELIZABETH
Yeah, I’m just, umm… surprised.
TIM
That is the general idea.
ELIZABETH
Well. It worked. What’s that smell?
TIM
Roast squab with porcini. Happy Anniversary!
He kisses her. Beat. Kitchen timer goes off.
So, Liz, I’ve been thinking. We’ve been living-
ELIZABETH
Should you check that? I don’t want you burning anything.
TIM
It’s fine. When have I burned- Elizabeth looks out the door quickly. Are you okay?
ELIZABETH
Yeah. Why? What were you saying?
TIM
I was saying that we’ve been living together for- how long? About 3 years-
ELIZABETH
Two, sweetie.
TIM
Three in September, remember, Deadbeat Derek moved out-
ELIZABETH
Derek is not a deadbeat!
TIM
That was your nickname for him. I called him Dickhead Derek. And in September, after I got the promotion-
ELIZABETH
I moved in in the spring. Promotion? For what?
TIM
I started as head of the department. Where skill and opportunity meet-
ELIZABETH
But I immediately moved out again because your mommy kept calling late at night to see if I was “still there” at your apartment-
TIM
Our apartment-
ELIZABETH
I wasn’t officially living with you until the following April when you finally told “Mommy” that you were
living in sin with me.
TIM
Mom has always liked you- Okay, anyway, that’s not the point-
Elizabeth looks out the door.
Are you going to take off your coat? Stay a while?
ELIZABETH
Why?
TIM
Why? Because you live here now- whenever you moved in. What’s wrong?
ELIZABETH
I had a shitty day. Huge gust of wind knocked me over. My bag went flying open, crap all over thesidewalk, and I really banged my knee. Could you get me some ice?
TIM
Yeah, sure, of course. I’m so sorry, hon.
He exits into the kitchen. Elizabeth opens the
door, grabs Derek who is holding champagne and 2
glasses.
DEREK
What’s the deal?
ELIZABETH
“Surprise!” Tim’s here. This changes everything.
DEREK
So we’re not going to-
VOICE FROM TIM IN KITCHEN
Do you want some aspirin?
Derek is freaking out wanting to run. Elizabeth
fights to keep Derek there, she answers Tim.
ELIZABETH
Umm, yes, please. I gotta get the swelling down before your folks come this weekend. If your Mom sees bruises she’s going to start pushing her homeopathic bullshit-
VOICE FROM TIM IN KITCHEN
OOOOOOOhhhh HEY! Can you come in here for a second?
Elizabeth is arguing silently with Derek. To Tim:
ELIZABETH
Um. No. Can’t you just get some ice for me?
(whispering to Derek) Just get in the closet, wait until-
DEREK
Fuck no. If he sees me here, it’s going to-
Elizabeth has grabbed his shirt to stop him which unsnaps. Derek still intends to run, so Elizabeth grabs him by the belt buckle, wraps herself around his leg.
TIM’S MOTHER’S VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER
Elizabeth, what on earth are you doing?!
Elizabeth and Derek freeze not knowing from whence
the voice is coming. Tim enters.
TIM
Derek?
ELIZABETH
I can explain.
DEREK
I can explain.
TIM’S MOTHER’S VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER
I told you this was a bad idea, Timothy.
ELIZABETH
Mrs. Thompson?
TIM
Mom, hang up, I’ll call you later.
ELIZABETH
Why is your mother on the computer?
TIM’S MOTHER’S VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER
I think we have a few questions to ask first, missy.
TIM
Hang up, Mom. Dad, make her hang up.
ELIZABETH
What the hell is going on?
TIM
You’re asking me? I walk in and you’re on your knees-
Elizabeth stands. Tries to button Derek’s shirt.
ELIZABETH
There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation-
TIM
I’m just dying to hear it.
ELIZABETH
Why was your mother on the computer? Are you pulling
some asinine prank-
TIM
Well, it does seem asinine at the moment5.
DEREK
I should go.
ELIZABETH
No.
TIM
Yes.
TIM
Do you even need the ice?
ELIZABETH
Yes, actually. Now, I do. Babe, I’m sorry.
She sits down. Puts ice on her knee. Derek was here becau- ouch. What the hell is- She opens the towel and in among the ice is a ring.
TIM
Give me that.
ELIZABETH
Why is there- Oh. My. God.
TIM
Yeah. Oh my God. It was my grandmother’s.
Smoke detector goes off.
Shit! Squab!
Tim runs offstage. Derek leaves. Detector stops.
Shit.
Tim enters with smoking charred squab. Marry Me starts playing from the computer.
TIM’S MOTHER’S VOICE FROM THE COMPUTER
Oopsie.
TIM
Hang up, Mommy! Christ!
ELIZABETH
Tim, I am so fucking sorry.
TIM
Derek? Really? Did it have to be Dickhead Derek?!
Tim is on the verge of tears.
ELIZABETH
Tim, it is so deeply sincerely not what you think. At this point, it might be worse.
TIM
How could it possibly be worse?
Elizabeth opens the door. Derek is at the front of a group of friends holding a sign saying, “Will you marry me, Tim?” The group looks grossly uncomfortable. The song Marry Me is playing on someone’s iPhone.
ELIZABETH
Um. Surprise.
Art and Music in Our Souls 