Directed by Jess Thomas
Featuring Laura Jane Bailey & Nicole Slovinec
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
DEBBIE – female / 30 / nervous, ambitious
DONNA – female / 40-50 / indifferent, belligerent
Lights up on TWO WOMEN, DEBBIE and DONNA. They sit next to each other.
DEBBIE
(beat)
Are you nervous?
DONNA
Meh.
DEBBIE
(beat)
Any idea when we’ll be called in?
DONNA
Not really.
DEBBIE
(beat)
Seventeen hours.
DONNA
Huh?
DEBBIE
We have been waiting for this job interview for seventeen hours. Is that even legal?
DONNA
What are you gonna do about it?
DEBBIE
(taken aback, beat)
What Mr. Windfall is doing will change the world. I truly believe that.
DONNA
Do you, really, though?
DEBBIE
That’s an odd attitude. (beat) I worked for years, filing, getting coffee, taking messages, bending over backwards so my bosses would look good. I deserve this.
DONNA
Do you know what the job entails?
DEBBIE
Filing? Getting coffee?
DONNA
What are you doing here?
DEBBIE
I – want to make a difference. Don’t you?
DONNA
Oh, you have no idea.
VOICE (OS)
Thank you for your patience. The waiting time is now forty-five minutes.
DEBBIE
It was thirty-five minutes fifty-five minutes ago. Is this a test? This is a test, isn’t it? I wonder if I’m passing the test.
DONNA
Ever committed a crime?
DEBBIE
Excuse me?
DONNA
Answer the question.
DEBBIE
Is this the test? Are you a plant?
DONNA
How dare you. My father was killed by a plant.
DEBBIE
I’m so sorry.
DONNA
Mr. Windfall is very particular about who he hires—
DEBBIE
Do you know him?
DONNA
He likes people who can dance like no one’s watching. Can you? Dance? Like no one’s watching? (beat) Dance for me.
DEBBIE
Are you serious?
DONNA
You want the job, don’t ya?!
DEBBIE gets up and does an awkward dance.
DONNA
Wow. I can’t believe you did that.
DEBBIE
You bitch.
VOICE (OS)
Thank you for your patience. The wait time is now (inaudible).
DONNA
I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m not here for a job interview. I’m — Mr. Windfall’s assistant.
DEBBIE
I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to call you a bitch. I just – I really – I – I need this job.
DONNA
Mr. Windfall has asked me to vet all possible employees. This is a highly contested position. It rests at the intersection where skill and opportunity meet.
DEBBIE
How unorthodox. I really respect that—
DONNA
Cut the crap, Debbie. It’s Debbie, isn’t it? I don’t care. Debbie, what do you feel you can bring to the table? Mr. Windfall doesn’t take kindly to dead weight.
DEBBIE
I’m – really good at filing – and getting coffee.
DONNA
Can you kiss me?
DEBBIE
Umm—
DONNA
He likes people to act freely with their affections. I know, right – Bay Area. Can you kiss my face?
DEBBIE
Is this a test?
DONNA
Everything is a test. Kiss me, dammit.
They kiss briefly.
DONNA
That was horrible.
DEBBIE
I’m sorry, I ate garlic. I was nervous.
DONNA
Mr. Windfall hates garlic. How do you sleep at night?
DEBBIE
I – uhh –
DONNA
I count sheep.
DEBBIE
I take melatonin.
DONNA
Wrong answer! Mr. Windfall is a Scientologist. Do you know their stance on medication? Don’t answer that. Think of the greatest accomplishment you’ve ever had. Are you thinking? Do you have it?
DEBBIE
Yes.
DONNA
Forget it. It doesn’t matter. Mr. Windfall likes a clean slate. Now – what’s your greatest accomplishment?
DEBBIE
Nothing?
DONNA
You’re learning. What’s your middle name?
DEBBIE
Fiona.
DONNA
Wrong! You were named after your Great Aunt Gladys. How old are you?
DEBBIE
Thirty.
DONNA
Nope! Mr. Windfall likes his employees either under 23 or over 47. How old are you?
DEBBIE
Forty-eight.
DONNA
You’ve really let yourself go. Why? Was it a broken romance? Depression? Substance abuse? Are you a liability, Debbie? Debbie? Can’t get enough of the green dragon, Debbie?
DEBBIE
I love dragons.
DONNA
(goes to phone)
Mr. Windfall is ready for you, now. Just be honest. Be yourself.
DEBBIE
This is it. I’m ready. I deserve this. Power. Power.
She exits. DONNA remains still, satisfied.
OFFSTAGE, a MAN screams something angry.
After a beat, DEBBIE re-enters, upset.
DONNA
How’d it go?
DEBBIE
(crestfallen)
He wasn’t ready for me.
DONNA
Really? That’s a bummer. Better luck next time, dear.
DEBBIE leaves in tears. DONNA remains
seated.
VOICE (OS)
Donna, Mr. Windfall is ready to interview you.
She stands, takes a deep breath, then struts into
the interview. Lights down. END.
Art and Music in Our Souls 