Directed By Alison Whismore
Featuring Christian Haines, Eden Neuendorf & Michael Catlett
Darkness. A miniature Starship Enterprise model (an ornament?) is suspended from fishing line. One of the actors shines a flashlight on it while everyone sings the theme from the original Star Trek.
VOICE
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. Its five-minute mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Sounds of the Starship Enterprise. Beeps. Lights up. Irina is green. She wears gogo boots and a mini-skirt. Kirk sits in the Captain’s chair.
KIRK
Captains Log: Stardate-
IRINA
Captain-
KIRK
Not now, baby, I’m doing the captain’s log thingy. It’s important.
IRINA But-
KIRK
Sugar, I told you, we have important exploration things to do and captain’s logs, and… stuff. Where are Sulu and… ummm… the other one.
Spock enters through doors. He makes the sound himself when the doors open and close. The doors are obviously cardboard covered in tin foil.
SPOCK
Shhkah. Shhkah.
KIRK
Spock.
SPOCK
Captain.
KIRK
Spock.
SPOCK
Captain.
KIRK
Spock-
IRINA
Captain! When will we reach-
KIRK
Spock, where are Sulu and-?
SPOCK
We lost contact with the Away Team-
IRINA
We must get to Moscow.
Kirk attempts to use communicator.
KIRK
Captain to Away Team. Captain to Away Team-
Everyone lurches to the left. Alarms sound.
What was that? Scotty! Do you have a report?
IRINA
We must work. We must get to Moscow.
SCOTTY’S VOICE
Captain! We’ve been hit!
KIRK
Torpedo? Klingons or-
SCOTTY’S VOICE
No, Captain, it’s…I don’t know how to explain it. It’s a creature-
KIRK
Damnit, Scotty, get us down to that planet! I’m not leaving them-
SCOTTY’S VOICE
I cannotdoit, Cap’n, we don’t have the power. I’ll show you the damn beast, it hit the warp converter, fractured the dilithium crystals-
IRINA
We don’t have time, we must get to Moscow!
KIRK
Beam it to the bridge, Scotty! I hope it’s not tribbles.
IRINA
We took care of those.
She indicates the fur hand warming muff like those used in Russia. The cast makes the sound of the transporter. A dead seagull lands downstage.
KIRK
What the hell is it?
IRINA
I am a seagull. No, that’s not it. I’m an actress portraying a seagull. No that’s not it. I’m an actress painted green-
Kirk shakes her.
We must work. We must get to Moscow.
Kirk shakes her again.
KIRK
Get it together!
Kirk uses his communicator.
Bones! Get down here. We’ve got a feathered alien life form. Possibly dangerous.
VOICE OF BONES
Damnit, Jim! I’m a doctor not an ornithologist!
KIRK
What is it?!!!
IRINA
It’s a seagull.
KIRK
But why is it here, woman?
SPOCK
Highly illogical.
IRINA
No, it’s-
SPOCK
These creatures live on earth. They cannot survive away from water-
KIRK
Hence the name seagull, yes, Spock-
SPOCK
A common misconception, Captain. The seagull needs fresh water to survive. And this seagull has been shot. Which is strange, as guns require oxygen to fire and therefore could not be shot in space-
IRINA
It’s a metaphor. You guys are idiots. Surely there are easier ways of getting my SAG card.
KIRK
Have we heard from the away team? Are they safe? Have they been bombarded with vague aviary metaphors?
SPOCK
We have not heard from them for hours, Captain. They scanned for life and discovered an orchard of stone-fruit bearing trees. One of them started coughing, his communicator cut out, and we haven’t heard from them since.
KIRK
Noooooo! What color uniforms were they wearing? Don’t say…
SPOCK
Red.
KIRK
Damnit.
IRINA
We must get to-
KIRK
If you say Moscow one more time, I will kill you. Can’t you just say “Moscow?” Moscow. So pretentious.
IRINA
It’s supposed to be funny. Fuck it. Computer, fix me a Masha.
VOICE OF COMPUTER
Here is your Masha.
Replicator makes drink that looks like water with a black rim.
KIRK Masha?
IRINA
Chilled vodka with a snuff rim.
Kirk
That explains the black stuff.
IRINA
I’m in mourning for my life.
Irina drinks her shot.
KIRK
When do we make out?
IRINA
What?
KIRK
It’s in my contract. I get to make out with all green chicks.
IRINA
Nope. Not this episode.
KIRK
It’s my prime directive, if you know what I mean…
IRINA
You’re nauseating. Can we please-
KIRK
That’s not a tricorder in my pocket, I’m just happy to see you-
Olga gets close to Kirk. Sexy Star Trek music starts, she seems as though she will give in to his charms until she snags his phaser.
SPOCK
Captain!
KIRK
No. How could you?
IRINA
Consider this the Wrath of Van-ya. I’ve set my phaser to Existential Angst and Russian Ennui.
SPOCK
What do you want?
IRINA
We will work. Natasha is rearranging the holodecks, you will learn a trade. Leave Sulu and Chekov on the planet-
Kirk hurls himself toward Irina. Suspense music! Irina “phases” Spock and Kirk.
KIRK
Darkness. Samovars. Years of drama school, wasted…
SPOCK
Why? Oh, God, what have I done with my life.
KIRK
Please, don’t let it be true. How could I become the voice of discount travel?
Kirk stumbles off-stage.
IRINA
Computer: set coordinates for Moscow.
Two gunshots heard off-stage.
SPOCK
Highly illogical.
IRINA
Engage.
Art and Music in Our Souls 