Directed by Ignacio Zulueta
Featuring Emily Ludlow, Jess Thomas, Brian Quakenbush & Zara Benner
Shenanagins in the Orange Grove
By: Colin Johnson
CAST OF CHARACTERS:
MAN – lead actor – serious and dedicated
WOMAN – lead actress – serious and dedicated ANTON – the playwright
DIRECTOR – the director, no ideas what she’s doing
Lights up on MAN and WOMAN, dressed fancy, lounging hopelessly, in the throes of a deep depression. They shift into a different melancholy pose, and then another one, before someone speaks.
WOMAN
Oh desperate woe.
MAN
The futility of it all.
WOMAN
It crumbles in our hands, my love.
MAN
It eats at my soul. Gnawing hungrily, its crimson tongue lashing the crumbs that fell betwixt your hands.
WOMAN
Mine scarred, disease-ridden hands. Look at them, my love.
MAN
Keep those infernal gobs away from me, woman.
WOMAN
(crosses to invisible window)
They’re tearing up our legacy. Our lives, our loves, our toils, our triumphs now merely rubble.
MAN
And we didn’t do a thing about it.
ANTON
(in audience) HAHAHA
WOMAN
My former lover and best friend has assured us his purchase of the property was for the best.
MAN
Then why do we suffer in the cold as demolition teams dismantle our legacy?
WOMAN
I fear my former lover and best friend fucked us over.
ANTON
(in audience) HAHA, YES!
MAN
That rascal Lapvingicheckoberlin.
WOMAN
I’m dying from untreated lyme disease.
ANTON
(in audience) HAHAHAHA!!!!!
MAN
(breaking character)
I’m sorry, is something funny?
ANTON
Yes, yes! You bring the satire to impossibly raucous heights!
MAN
Satire? We’re baring our souls here.
WOMAN
And bodies.
ANTON
(walking on stage)
Maybe if you slipped on banana peel as you exit and then the lady performer looks at audience and goes “AWHAAA?!”
MAN
That feels forced.
WOMAN
Untrue to the source.
ANTON
The source is comedy! Can’t you see? This is supposed to be funny!
MAN
Forgive my perceived ignorance, but, how exactly is this funny?
ANTON
Go on, say next line.
WOMAN
I have the next line. And the next line is … line?
DIRECTOR
Our beloved steed…
WOMAN
Our beloved steed was eaten by locusts.
ANTON
AHAHAHAAA! OMG! SO FUNNY!
WOMAN
But the locusts – the beloved steed – rotting in the sun –
ANTON
Does it smell like poopy?
MAN
Not in the script.
ANTON
DIRECTOR meekly steps on.
Then say it. “Oh man, that steed smells like poopy” and then the lady actor looks at the audience and goes “AWHAAA?!”
WOMAN
(to director)
Can you do something about this unnerving simpleton?
DIRECTOR
Uhh, yeah. This is the writer. He just flew in from Moscow—
ANTON
Sakha Republic, the Valley of Death. Funniest place on Earth.
DIRECTOR
Yeah, the Valley of Death. He wanted to observe one of the shows and tender his respectful notes.
MAN
This is the writer of The Orange Grove?
DIRECTOR
Yup.
MAN
And you, good sir, truly believe this play to be a comedy?
ANTON
Isn’t it obvious? It says so on the title page.
WOMEN
But the content is so raw, so heart-wrenching. I was immediately drawn to the trauma it induced.
MAN
I’m not sure I’m comfortable with playing this for laughs.
DIRECTOR
Yeah – well – that’s the writer, so – I guess my hands are tied. Ummm. Think of it as an exercise, trying to be funny. Let’s just jump to the deathbed scene, and – try to make it funny, I guess.
WOMAN
MAN and WOMAN assume different poses, WOMAN on her deathbed, MAN cries in agony.
My love, I die penniless and in extreme pain. All I can offer you is the locket you bestowed upon me when we were young students, full of life, flushed with optimism.
ANTON
HAHA, YES! But what if we add a line? Can we add line? Really punch up the effect?
DIRECTOR
What line would you like?
ANTON
Ohhhh, maybe she grabs at her chest and says MY BOOBIES HURT.
WOMAN
But everything hurts! Why would I single out my boobies?
ANTON
Because everyone loves boobies. And then maybe man actor touches boobies and gets husband’s bulge.
MAN
An erection in The Orange Grove? That’s obscene!
ANTON
Exactly, friend! Can we try it?
DIRECTOR
It’s – umm – a little late for changes, we opened last weekend.
ANTON
Do it, make spontaneous stage love!
WOMAN
Fine. I am a professional. (in character) Oh, ouch – my – ahem – boobies hurt.
ANTON
HAHA SO TRUE!
MAN
(reaching for boobs)
Oh wow. I have a husband’s bulge, now.
WOMAN
(breaking character)
Now, how am I supposed to react to that?
ANTON
Yes, good question. Maybe look at audience and say OOGA BOOGA.
WOMAN
I will do no such thing.
MAN
These working conditions have grown too strenuous for my fragile emotional state.
ANTON
Then go with it. Maybe cry and suck your thumb. Then we add character. Director Lady, maybe you enter as sexy pizza man, but you slip on banana.
DIRECTOR
Yes – sure – that makes perfect sense.
ANTON
Here we go, knock on door.
DIRECTOR
(enters in character)
Did someone order an extra sausage?
ANTON
No no no make it funny! Not sausage. Maybe, like puppy on a stick.
DIRECTOR
Puppy on a stick pizza?
ANTON
HAHAHA YES! Impaled puppies are funny in America, yes?
WOMAN
I turned down The Scottish Play for this.
MAN
I could be at home with my family right now.
DIRECTOR
I should be spending more time with my puppies.
ANTON
Let’s use this frustration and end play with pillowfight!
MAN
The play ends with a homeless infant perishing in a fire.
ANTON
Not anymore! This play will be funniest in history! Even funnier than MEDEA!
DIRECTOR
He’s a genius.
Long confused pause.
THE END
Art and Music in Our Souls 