Shotz - 1999 032_Fb_1280_noWM

Directed by Jess Thomas

With Colin Johnson, Anne Kobori & Christian Haines

Late 20’s, Male. He’s been a Star Wars fan for as long as he can remember. He truly wishes the Force was strong with him and is very serious in his attempt at life. Jeff senses something is wrong with the movie he’s about to watch, and being the controlling person he is, he’ll do anything, to know anything, about Episode 1.

Blake: Early 30’s Male. Not just a fan, Blake has the stoicism of a Jedi Knight. He’s collected and mindful. He also has Prophetic Narcolepsy (in case you’re unfamiliar, that means he falls asleep for a brief period and when he wakes up he blurts a prophecy that will come true in the next 3 hours).

Allison: Late 20’s, female. Not a Star Wars fan, but definitely a Trekie. She’s definitely the glue of the group. And even though she can empathize with the excitement of her friends, she could really care less.

Jeff, Allison and Blake, long time LARPers, walk down the sidewalk singing the Star Wars theme song, shooting their blasters and wielding their lightsabers on their way into the movie theater to watch the early release of Star Wars Episode 1: Phantom Menace.

Blake: (Luke)“Your thoughts betray you father. I feel the good in you. The conflict.” Jeff: (Vader)“There is no conflict.”

Blake: (Luke)“You couldn’t bring yourself to kill me before and I don’t believe you’ll destroy me now.”

Jeff: (Vader)“You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you will not fight, than you will meet your destiny.”

Allison: (Darth Sidious laugh. Then she mimics shooting lightning from her hands) Join the Sith. And we will rule the world. Or die, Jedi scum!

Jeff: What are you doing? Allison: Playing Darth…um-

Jeff: (Quickly) We strictly agreed, no wavering on dialogue while role-playing official scenes from Episodes 4-6 and teaser clips for Episode 1! –We agreed to these terms, Allison. Right, Blake.

Blake: Yep.

Allison: Whatever. I’m sorry I didn’t memorize-

Jeff: (Pushing an imaginary lever.) Carbonite freeze. (Jeff makes a freeze sound as Allison reluctantly freezes. Jeff checks his watch) Master, in 3 minutes, Episode 1 of the greatest space opera in the history of the galaxy, will begin. We will now study the tragic end of Anakin Skywalker.

Blake: Or is it the rise of the Sith?

Jeff: I sense a disturbance in the Force. As if millions of people will suddenly-

Blake: -scream in horror.

Jeff: You’ve felt it?

Blake: Destiny, in time, itself will show.


Jeff: I’m sorry, Master. (While making a Jedi Mind Trick motion.) Yub Nub.

(Blake falls asleep)

Allison: Jeff! You did that on purpose!

Jeff: Carbonite Freeze! You’re not allowed to move or speak.

Allison: You know that moderately fast lateral hand gestures trigger his narcolepsy. You’re just trying to get a prophesy.

Jeff: Yoda 101! “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” And what good is a friend with prophetic narcolepsy, if you can’t help them use their talents for good. And you know he’s fine. He’ll wake up in 1 minute-

Allison: -and he’ll blurt something out that will happen in the next 2 1/2 hours- Like, the ending of the movie.

Jeff: He’s our only way of knowing the truth. He’s our only hope.

Allison: See, this is why I’m a Trekie. Science is logical- with religion you get this kind of poppycock.

Jeff: Since I was six, I have been studying the ways of the Jedi. I have remained disciplined and mindful. I’ve had dreams about this film. I fear a disturbance in the Force.

Allison: Isn’t fear a bad thing for you guys. Doesn’t Yoda have a line about-

Jeff: Don’t quote scripture to me! I have watched every second of Star Wars over a hundred and ten times. I have studied it, adored it and loved it as a friend. I need to know if my visions are true. I’m afraid that by the end of this movie, I’ll lose a life- long friend.

Allison: You are annoyingly dramatic.

Jeff: As keepers of the peace, it is our duty to protect the galaxy from the horrors of the Dark side.

Allison: It is our duty as friends to not trigger each other’s disablements.

Jeff: He should awake in 3…2…1-

Blake: (Suddenly waking up) Meesa gonna die!- Ohh, they cut him in half! Why! (Beat)

Jeff: Who?! Who gets cut in half?!

Allison: Blake, are you okay?

Blake: I’m fine. (She helps him up) Thank you.

Jeff: What did you see, master?

Blake: Listen to your feelings. You must find balance in yourself.

Jeff: There’s more. You’re hiding something. I feel it!

Blake: You feel fear. Fear leads to the Dark Side.

Jeff: Is that your final answer?

Blake: (As Yoda) Mmm Hmm.

Jeff: Gah!

Allison: Hey guys, can you jump in your speeders or whatever, we need to get to our seats. I don’t even know if we have time to get popcorn.

Blake: I have to drain the Bantha! May the Force be with you. (He runs off. Allison and Jeff follow him.)

(The following is a sound effect/key-line operatic synopsis of Star Wars: Episode 1. It is intended to be read offstage and mash together quickly-May the Force be with you.)

Jeff:                                                Allison:                                        Blake:

Speed Theme Song                       Speed Theme Song                        Speed Theme Song

Blaster Noises                                Crowd Cheers                                 Crowd Cheers

Blaster Noises                                Lightsaber noises (rest)               Crowd Cheers (rest)
(Obi wan) a droid army

(rest)                                                (rest)                                                 Starship noises

(rest)                                                Meesa be Jar-Jar Binks                (rest)

Hee hee                                           (rest)                                                 Ha

(rest)                                                Meesa be a Gun Gun?                   (rest)

Crowd Groans                                (rest)                                                 Crowd Groans

(rest)                                                (rest)                                                 Me must get the Queen out of here.

(rest)                                                (Padme) Thank you Qui Gon       (rest)

(rest)                                                (rest)                                                 Starship noises

Hi I’m Ani                                       (rest)                                                  (rest)

and this is C-3PO                          Crowd Groans                                  Crowd Groans

Podracer noises                             Alright! Cool!                                   Podracer noises

(rest)                                               (rest)                                                  (Q.G)Good job, Anakin

Lightsabers                                   Lightsabers                                       (rest)

Was that E.T?                               Willow!                                              Rabble Rabble Rabble

(rest)                                              (rest)                                                   (Qui Gon) Let me train him

(rest)                                         (Yoda) Train him, we cannot              (rest)

Meesa gonna die!

Crowd groan                                Crowd groan                                      Yes!

(rest)                                              Lightsaber turning on                      Lightsaber turning on

Two sided lightsaber                  Finally!                                                (rest)

Lightsaber Battle                        Lightsaber Battle                               Lightsaber Battle

(Obi Wan) Noooo!                     (rest)                                                     (rest)

Crowd groan                               Crowd groan                                        Ohh! The cut ’em in half?!

Meesa gonna haunt you.

(All Three Re-enter. Jeff comes running on first, he proceeds to fight everything angrily.)

Jeff: Star Wars! My sweet Star Wars. My Love! Destroyed! Allison: (Laughing) Meesa-be-Jar-Jar-

Blake: No, Allison! Please.

Allison: I’m sorry. It’s so bad- Meesa gonna die!
(Jeff looks menacing)

Jeff: You knew. Why didn’t you tell me?

Blake: (To Jeff) Control your feelings, old friend. Destiny-

Jeff: Fuck Destiny!

Blake: Yes. Destiny can be like the sands of Tatooine- a real beach.

Jeff: Destiny did nothing for Star Wars as it was mowed down by the Sith.

Blake: It seems as though Darth Lucas has arisen.

Jeff: What else are you hiding?!

Blake: Your hate will grow into bitterness. Your powers will strengthen. My fate shall be the same as Qui-Gon Gin’s.

Allison: Is that Liam Neeson’s charachter? I thought he did a really nice job.

Jeff: Then I will join the Dark Side. It’s power is the only way to bring Star Wars back to life. The Force is stronger with the Dark Side. All you Jedi could say was “destiny.” You know what I foresee, two more episodes. Two more opportunities to bring Star Wars back to life!

Allison: I foresee two more opportunities for Darth Lucas to sell the religion of the Jedi to Mattel, Taco Bell and- “Meesa be Jar Jar Binks.”

(Jeff is come over by the power of the Dark Side as he begins a quick epic duel with Blake, in which Blake is slashed and drops to the ground. Jeff powers down his lightsaber.)

Allison: (Running to Blake and holding him) Whhhyyyyyy! Blake: (As if he is dying) There is…another.

Jeff: (To the starry night sky) Noooooooooooo!