Directed by Rebecca Martin
With Emily Ludlow, Callie Ballard & Megan Luis
Carmela and Meadow Soprano are sitting in front of a computer.
MEADOW:
See? It looks like a regular date on the computer. Now take it and turn it upside down.
CARMELA:
Meadow, I can’t get caught up in this. Your father will be home soon and I’ve got a Chicken Parm in the oven, your Uncle Junior is coming over with Silvio and Paulie and no one knows where Christopher is.
MEADOW:
Ma, this is important!
CARMELA:
Nothing is more important than my Chicken Parm.
MEADOW:
If the (fortune teller) Stregga is right, Daddy’s going to end up with the fishes.
CARMELA:
Don’t be so dramatic. Nothing is going to happen to your father.
MEADOW:
How many enemies does he have from people he’s had whacked?
CARMELA:
How do you know about that?
MEADOW:
He’s Italian, wears gold chains, he’s in “sanitation” and we live in a mansion and one of his closest friends’ name is Paulie Walnuts… I can do math.
CARMELA:
I see your point.
MEADOW:
Ma, the woman said that today’s date foretold the coming of a tragedy that would destroy the family.
CARMELA:
Well, that could mean anything Med. Destroy is a very subjective word. And which family? Our family or “The Family”?
Suddenly the door breaks down and an FBI Agent
Sorrentino comes in, gun drawn.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Freeze! Hands where I can see ’em.
CARMELA:
Excuse me, do you have a warrant? ’Cause if you don’t, you will be in for a world of pain missy.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Here’s the warrant and I’ll have to ask you to step away from the computer ma’am.
CARMELA:
What’s all this about, officer?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Agent, ma’am. Agent Sorrentino, FBI.
MEADOW:
Any relation to Bobby Sorrentino from Hackensack?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
He’s my cousin. We grew up together.
CARMELA:
There’s a very strong resemblance.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Yes, ma’am. Everybody says so.
MEADOW:
You see, Ma? This is the beginning. She said that on the day of the beast with five I’s there would be an intruder from the North and that would start a chain of events that would lead to a small diner in Newark where a song by Journey would mark the end of a dynasty.
Pause
CARMELA:
I’ve never heard such gobbledegook in my life. Agent… what’s your first name, sweetheart?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Angelica… but people call me Angel.
MEADOW:
Ahhh! you see? The Angel of Death!
CARMELA:
Now stop it Meadow! Angel, can I get you anything? I have some baked Zitti in the kitchen and some Gabbagoo l all laid out. I’m sure my husband Tony will be home soon and we can sort this out in no time.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Ma’am, we’re not here for your husband. That won’t happen for a few seasons…
Meadow starts freaking out.
MEADOW:
You see, ma! It’s the beginning of the end!! That’s why
you’re here, isn’t it?!? The beast with five I’s…
CARMELA:
Snap out of it right now, young Lady!!
Carmela slaps Meadow.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Mrs. Soprano, I’m going to have to ask you to refrain from striking Ms. Meadow. (to Meadow) What is this beast with five eyes that you’re referring to?
MEADOW:
Not “eyes”, “I’s”. Just look at the computer screen. What do you see up in the corner?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
That’s the date; November 11, 1999.
MEADOW:
Yes! Now, what’s the numerical representation of that date.
CARMELA:
Let’s see… one, one, one, one, one, nine, nine, nine.
MEADOW:
Right. And what letter does a one look like?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
An “I”?
CARMELA:
Well, if it’s an upper case “I”. But it would be a lower case “L”.
MEADOW:
Are you kidding me right now?!
CARMELA:
I’ve had just about enough out of you missy! There will be no Sfogliatella for you tonight!!
MEADOW:
I don’t care. Mother! It’s all over.
CARMELA:
What are you talking about? This is season one.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
If I may, Mrs. Soprano… I understand the “I’s” now. But where does the “Beast” come in?
MEADOW:
Nine, nine, nine… turn it upside down!
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Six, six, six, I, I, I, I, I.
CARMELA:
Aye, yi, yi! That’s a bit of a stretch. We are good Catholics. We don’t believe in this cazzata stronzo. (she crosses herself).
MEADOW:
You’re full of stronzo, Mother! You gave Mrs. Pezzella the maloik when she made a bad manigot.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
What’s that?
MEADOW:
Manicotti. How can you call yourself an Italian?
CARMELA:
Agent Sorrentino, is this about one of Tony’s businesses? Because my Tony is a legitimate business man.
MEADOW:
The construction company?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
No.
CARMELA:
The meat shop?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
No.
MEADOW:
Waste management?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
No. But thank you for the information. I’ll make sure we get someone to look into that. I’m afraid it’s much more serious than illegal business practices. We believe your husbands organization is responsible for the Millennium Bug.
MEADOW:
That Y2K thing? Why would he do that?
AGENT SORRENTINO:
We think the plan is to create a need for new computers and software to build a world-wide extortion ring.
CARMELA:
Vafanculo! I’m not gonna stand for this Sorrentino. I could have Big Pussy take you out like that!
MEADOW: Ma!
CARMELA:
No, Meadow. This woman has no right to walk into our home talking about your Father like he was Hannibal Lecture.
AGENT SORRENTINO:
I’m sorry ma’am. I mean no disrespect. I am afraid I’m going to have to confiscate your computer. We believe this could hold the key to this Millennium bug.
MEADOW:
That’s impossible!
AGENT SORRENTINO:
I know, I know, your father could never do such a thing, am I right?
MEADOW:
No, it’s impossible!!
AGENT SORRENTINO:
Why?
CARMELA:
Because, genius; this is a Mac.
END
Art and Music in Our Souls 