Directed by Katja Rivera
With Aeron Macintyre, Melissa Ortiz & Laura Jane Bailey
A basement on NYE 1999. A dad and his teenage daughters.
Dad, high-waisted jeans etc.(like the 90210 dad) Aeron
Neriah, a Britney fan (a little trashy) Laura Jane
Liberty, an Alanis fan (grunge/bookish) Melissa
DAD is leading his teenage daughters, NERIAH & LIBERTY, blindfolded, into the basement where there’s a cluster of balloons, a punch bowl, a bag of popcorn, and a boom box. Liberty is wearing a cardboard camera around her neck (that she made in homeschooling tech class).
DAD
Ok girls, you can come down now…watch your step…
Enter NERIAH & LIBERTY chanting at the same time with excitement:
| NERIAH | LIBERTY |
| Britney…Britney…Britney…
Britney… |
Alanis…Alanis…Alanis…
Alanis… |
LIBERTY
I think he got us Alanis tickets — no offense, but I got better grades than you again.
NERIAH
It’s totally Britney — dad KNOWS how much her last album changed me.
LIBERTY
Yeah, into a wannabe slut!
NERIAH
Jealous much?
DAD
Girls!
LIBERTY
I was just kidding.
NERIAH
C’mon dad, where are we going tonight? I can’t believe this is happening!
DAD
Do you think I’d take you two anywhere acting like that?
LIBERTY
What’s the surprise? (dreamy) I had a dream last night I was at an Indigo Girls concert at Carnegie Hall…
NERIAH
(wishful) Or maybe he got us tickets to see Prince at some hole in the wall club.
DAD
Ok, ok, you got me. Take your blindfolds off! (he presses play on the boom box and “1999” starts playing) Ta da — our own little party to ring in the new millennium.
LIBERTY
Um, technically the new millennium doesn’t start until 2001.
NERIAH
Does this mean Prince tickets?
DAD
This is it! Prince and other hits in our own private club. Punch? (he hands them plastic cups)
LIBERTY
Technically this is funny but I’m not laughing.
NERIAH
Well, this is cool and everything, but I’m gonna go — (tries to leave but the door is locked) What the heck?
DAD
I figured the whole “I’m finally taking you to a concert” thing would be a good way to get you in here.
NERIAH
So we’re NOT going out to see live music that’s not on TV.
LIBERTY
(singing with full Alanis impression) “Isn’t it ironic…”
NERIAH
This again. It’s actually NOT ironic, it just sucks. I’m calling mom. (opens her flip phone, finds she has no service)
DAD
Look, mom’s on board. She agrees that keeping you two in this new year’s is for the best. Look girls, you’re only 16…nobody has ANY idea what could happen out there tonight.
LIBERTY
Hold on. It WOULD be considered irony, because we thought dad was taking us to our first ever concert, but instead he’s creepily trapped us in our own basement. So we experience the opposite of what we expected, which is the definition of situational irony. You know, (singing) “Like rain on your wedding day…” BOOM.
NERIAH
Are you excited about that?
LIBERTY
I’m just saying.
NERIAH
I still think you’re wrong.
DAD
Girls. I’d just like to explain a bit about why your mother and I decided to —
LIBERTY
(with her back to both, but she’s actually talking to NERIAH)
Do explain. (begins eating popcorn)
DAD opens his mouth, thinking he’s been invited to speak, but NERIAH cuts him off and proceeds.
NERIAH
How can it be ironic when we knew this is exactly what he’d do? (singing) “Oops, he did it again…”
DAD
Hey, I’m not that predictable as a father, am I?
LIBERTY
You have a point. Go on.
NERIAH
I mean, we’ve never left this suburb, or even our house really, right? And most of what we know about the outside world we learned through MTV and Nickelodeon.
LIBERTY
And 90210. (beat) And dad’s awesome homeschooling. How many other girls can say they dissected AND THEN ATE a catfish with their own dad for their biology final?
NERIAH
Don’t be such a kiss-ass, he’s not gonna let us out of here. (beat) Anyway, it always stops with the safe, empty fantasy. He never follows through. On ANYTHING.
DAD
I actually brought you two down here to tell you something pretty cool–
LIBERTY
What if the great irony is that mom and dad keeping us from the real world isn’t gonna keep us any more safe?
NERIAH
Like in the end it’s going to protect us LESS?
LIBERTY
Exactly. Like even though we haven’t seen an X rated movie in our whole lives, you’ll probably still become a Playmate. I mean, look at those boobs! And it won’t be out of desperation — it’s ’cause being trapped has ironically made you more FREE.
NERIAH
That’s so beautiful. And such a good idea! (beat; gets really excited about her idea for Liberty) And you’ll probably become, like, a lion photographer for National Geographic in Africa even though dad says we’re never allowed to go there because they’ll kidnap us and steal our kidneys. You’ve already totally been practicing on the neighbor’s cat …
DAD
Ok, wow. Well, here’s the big news: We decided that homeschooling maybe hasn’t been…the best for you two socially, so we bought a flat in New York City and enrolled you in the only private school that would take us. We’ll be livin’ large, girls! Mom’s packing your things now. We’ll leave tomorrow after all the Y2K dust settles.
LIBERTY
(looking at her sister before speaking ) I don’t wanna go anywhere. (Or keep “I’m not going anywhere.” if you like that line better)
NERIAH
Me neither. This is IT, dad. You know, “Life, LIBERTY (hugging her sister), and the pursuit of happiness.” (beat) Was that it for the music or did you make us a mix tape? (going to push play; “Hit Me Baby One More Time” comes on) Sing it, Brit Brit! (Neriah starts dancing and singing “Oh baby baby” etc.)
DAD
(trying to act hip) I thought you’d be bummed about missing new year’s so I put some of your favorite tunes on here. (beat) Well, I guess I’ll have to talk to your mother now. (beat) So you really don’t want to move to the city and go to high school and maybe make some friends?
NERIAH & LIBERTY
Nope.
DAD
That’s your final answer?
LIBERTY
(very pleased with herself) What do you make of this moment of cosmic irony, dad?
DAD
(struggling to keep his cool) Are you trying to double reverse psychology me into letting you go out tonight WITH THESE TWO FRONT ROW TICKETS TO CHRISTINA AGUILERA?? (waving 2 tickets in the air)
NERIAH
Christina? She died before we were born.
LIBERTY
(reading cassette case) This mixtape is da BOMB. I’d rather kick it in the basement with my best friend. Bye dad. (she turns up boom box; Cue outro: “Bye Bye Bye” by NSync) Let’s start documenting your career right now! (starts taking pics of Neriah vogue-ing with cardboard camera she made in homeschool technology class)
NERIAH
Wouldn’t it be so awesome if that camera were also a phone you could type me secret messages on?
Lights
Art and Music in Our Souls 