Directed by Ignacio Zulueta
With Laura Peterson & Jaime Currier
A table and two chairs sit centerstage. On the table are two diner- style coffee cups, and a napkin dispenser. Seated on the stage left side is JOAN, 30. She looks about thediner, nervously tapping her fingers on the table. She motions to the invisible waiter to pour her more coffee. She waits, sees it being poured, then warms her hands on the mug. She lifts the coffee cup to her lips, when CARRIE barges in.
JOAN is startled, and nearly drops her mug.
JOAN
Jesus, you scared the shit out of me!
CARRIE
I hear this place has a pretty stellar coffee and pie combo for like, five bucks. Is that a thing?
CARRIE sidles up to the chair next to JOAN.
JOAN
It’s a thing. Says so on the sign right over there. Do you have to sit there?
CARRIE
Ah! That’s how I heard about it. Hi, I’m Carrie.
JOAN
I’m-
(she nervously looks about)
I’m on my way out.
JOAN gets up to leave.
CARRIE
Wait, wait, wait. Come on. It’s late. There’s absolutely no one to talk to. Why not stick around and shoot the shit with me? I’ll get the next round of coffee…
JOAN
Fine. I still have some time to kill, I guess. Al, two coffee and pie specials, please. He really does have the best pie in the city. Coffee… not so much.
They both watch Al pour their coffee. JOAN pulls some sugar packets out of her pockets. CARRIE looks at her quizzically.
JOAN
What? I like a specific brand of sugar.
CARRIE
Whatever floats your boat, weirdo.
She looks at the sugar packet.
CARRIE
Can I have some?
JOAN
Sure.
Joan pours the sugar into both of their cups.
CARRIE
That your luggage at the end of the counter over there?
JOAN
It could be. What’s it to ya?
CARRIE
Oh, nothing really. Just making small talk.
There’s a momentary pause.
So, where ya headed?
JOAN
To some place far away.
CARRIE
Where’s that?
JOAN
A place where strangers don’t ask so many questions.
CARRIE
Alright, alright. Sorry.
There’s another longer pause.
CARRIE
You flying overseas?, or-
JOAN
Nevada. I’m going to Wendover, Nevada.
CARRIE
Never heard of it.
JOAN
That’s the point.
JOAN looks around nervously, then checks her cell phone for the time.
CARRIE
You’re running from something, aren’t you? Or someone?
JOAN
Pretty obvious, huh?
CARRIE
Well, not incredibly obvious. But yeah. So, what. Are you going into witness protection or something?
JOAN
I wish. I don’t think Uncle Sam would have any interest in what I’ve seen
CARRIE
What did you see? Were you like that kid in that Susan Sarandon movie? Ooh! Who got killed? Is it someone I would know? Was it a politician, or or or a celebrity? Please say Kanye, please say Kanye.
JOAN
No one was killed.
CARRIE
So, what happened?
JOAN
What the hell, I’m never going to see you again.
She leans in to whisper to CARRIE.
JOAN
I was working for this… family. Well, actually I was working for just one member of the family, but whatever. Anyway, one night the boss calls me at home. You know, “the boss.”
CARRIE
Who’s the boss?
JOAN
Tony Danza
CARRIE
Really?
JOAN
No. Anyway, he says he needs some help deleting something from his cloud account. I’m good at that kinda stuff, so no biggie. I sign into his account, and there it is.
CARRIE is distracted by her smart phone.
Are you even listening?
CARRIE
Boss. Cloud account. I got it. What did you see?
JOAN
A video of the boss-
CARRIE
Tony Danza?
JOAN
No! The boss, my boss… he… he was with some woman, who was definitely not his wife-
CARRIE
Classic boss behavior.
JOAN
No, you don’t understand. He was with another woman, and both of them were… dressed up.
CARRIE
Like, they were going to the opera, oooooorrr-
JOAN
No, they were dressed head to toe in squirrel costumes! Fuzzy, mascot type squirrel costumes.
CARRIE
Well, there’s no crime in that.
JOAN
They were “collecting nuts” if you get my drift.
CARRIE
Nope.
JOAN
They were fucking.
CARRIE
Ooooh. Riiiiight.
JOAN
Yeah.
CARRIE
Still not a crime, though.
JOAN
It doesn’t matter! The boss is powerful. I think he wants all of this to just… go away.
CARRIE
So you figured before he gave you cement shoes and sent youswimming, you’d hop a bus to the shittiest, smallest town you could find, and start over.
JOAN
You watch a lot of TV, huh?
Carrie pulls a knife out of her pocket.
CARRIE
Look, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, here…
JOAN
Oh, you’ve GOT to be kidding me.
CARRIE
Nope.
JOAN
How did you find me so fast? I downloaded the video, like,
CARRIE
Oh, it’s this new app called “sweep”. As in, “sweep ’em under the rug”. Get it?
JOAN
Yeah I get it.
Joan moves slowly but deliberately toward the exit while Carrie is obsessing over the app.
CARRIE
It’s so cool. They find all of the contract killers in your area, and they all show up on this map. All you have to do is tap “sweep” and boom! Within ten minutes they’re eliminated.
JOAN is now a few steps from the door.
CARRIE
(still looking at her phone) It doesn’t matter if you run. If I don’t kill you in the next five minutes, the app will just find someone elseNearby.
JOAN
So it’s like Uber, only for murder.
CARRIE
Yeah! Cool, huh? Oh man, I hope I get five stars. This is my first sweep.
JOAN
Wait, I’m the first person you’re gonna kill?
CARRIE
Ha ha ha! No, no. I’ve killed lots of people. I mean, they were all homeless people, so I guess it doesn’t count.
JOAN
Yes it does.
CARRIE
But yeah, this is my first contract. So, anyway. What’ll it be? I’ve got this knife, I can smash you over the head with that napkin dispenser…
CARRIE stumbles a bit, her vision isn’t quite focused.
JOAN
I’ll go with neither.
CARRIE
That’s… not an… option…
She slumps down into the chair.
Oh. I see.
JOAN crosses to sit next to her.
The sugar. Poison?
JOAN
Yeah.
CARRIE
You should work for sweep.
JOAN
I do. The boss is the founder of sweep.
CARRIE
I work for Tony Danza?
JOAN
Oh my god no.
CARRIE
Oh, man. Feelin’ pretty woozy. How do you feel?
JOAN
I feel good. I feel really good.
CARRIE stabs JOAN in the stomach.
CARRIE
How about now?
JOAN
Not so good now.
CARRIE’S phone makes a sound. She’s barely able to pick it up.
CARRIE
Oh hey, look. Five stars.
CARRIE dies.
JOAN’s phone makes a sound.
JOAN
Three stars? Oh come on.
JOAN dies. Tom Waits’ “Nighthawks at the diner plays as the lights slowly fade.
Art and Music in Our Souls 