Directed by Aeron Macintyre
With Eden Neuendorf, Jeff Ennor & Laura Peterson
BRIAN, a sheltered kind of guy (Jeff)
SARAH, a porn vigilante (Eden)
LAURA, a police officer (Laura). She wears a nametag that says “DET. BLAKE”
EXTRAS, played by Colin and Jess.
Tablet computer, nonfunctional
Counter or table
(maybe) A Chair
Intercom (on counter) or Walkie (on LAUREN)
Breakable DVD in case
Lights up on Sarah, Brian, and the Extras (Chad & Fuzzy) in a freeze. Chad has a camera and Fuzzy has a boom mike. Sarah has BDSM paraphenalia (contact a local business for product placement opps). Enter Lauren ‘viewing’ it all on a tablet.
LAUREN: And how exactly do you end up in a pornographic film without knowing it?
EVERYONE ELSE INCLUDING EXTRAS: Previously, on 57 Varieties. (they return to freeze except for Brian who addresses Lauren)
BRIAN: We’d been seeing each other for a month. We’d had the dietary restrictions talk. We’d had the past sexual partners talk. We even had the talk about future sexual experimentation.
LAUREN: Looks like that went well.
BRIAN: I had no idea this is what she meant!
LAUREN: And you claim you were blindfolded the entire time?
BRIAN: Look at the evidence.
LAUREN: Alleged evidence. (She sets the pad down.)
CHAD AND FUZZY EXIT. BRIAN TAKES OFF THE BLINDFOLD AND CROSSES TO LAUREN. SARAH AIR SEXES THE SPACE WHERE BRIAN HAS BEEN.
LAUREN: Because what if that’s not even you in the film? I mean, the male is blindfolded. Maybe it’s just someone who looks like you. Maybe it’s just someone you wish you had been.
BRIAN: Are you saying I imagined it??
LAUREN: People imagine all kind of things. (RE: SARAH’S AIR SEX) Why not imagine that?
BRIAN: I’m about to lose my job over this. How could this happen to me? I’ve only had three girlfriends my entire life and one of those was in elementary school.
LAUREN SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.
BRIAN: I was six!
LAUREN LOOKS RELIEVED. SO RELIEVED, IN FACT, THAT SHE BEGINS CHECKING HER PHONE.
BRIAN: I thought Sarah and I had something special. She pushed me to try things I’d never tried before. Like pesto. Did I feel worried? Yeah. But I also felt safe. Maybe letting her have a copy of my keys was a mistake. But it’s not a crime to think you’re in love. Then, three weeks ago, her cell phone number was cancelled. Her email started bouncing. Her facebook went into a freeze. I was worried sick. I thought she might have died. Or been kidnapped. Or gotten amnesia. But then just last week – a co-worker pulled me aside to see this (taps the tablet)
SARAH: Welcome to Sarah’s Dirty Secrets, dot com. Where vengeance takes a hot new twist. So listen up, perverts. Yeah, I’m talking to you baby. It takes one to know one. Get close. Real close. And let me tell you a secret:
Sex is a weapon, bitches. Sex is a loaded gun cocked and locked and pointed at our heads. They say we’re nothing without it. They call us fat. Call us frigid. Call us stuckup. Then when we do it, they say it’s all we’re good for. Well not anymore. Over the last three years I’ve tricked dozens of disposable, mindless studs into ‘starring’ in my videos. And every single one of them? Tamed, humiliated, punished… Then published online for your viewing pleasure. Every week of every year, you’ll get to meet another of my unwitting man whores. You might see your boss. You might see your professor. You might see your pastor. You might see your neighbor. You might see yourself.
Because Sex is a weapon, bitches. And Sarah’s exercising her second amendment rights. Subscribe now. It’s gonna be the hottest year EVER.
EXIT SARAH, BLOWING KISSES.
JEFF: Please! You have to stop her and take this site down!
LAUREN: (looking up from her phone) Hmm what site?
JEFF: Sarah The Psycho Porn Vigilante Dot Com! (he moves the tablet in front of her face)
LAUREN: Do not show me unsolicited obscene material, sir.
JEFF: I’m begging you. Do something! Stop her before she ruins somebody else’s life, Detective Blake!
LAUREN: Who told you my rank and name?
BRIAN: It’s on your nametag!
LAUREN: (covers the tag) Were you staring at my body area?
LAUREN: You were!
BRIAN: What is your body area even?
LAUREN: Just stop looking at it!
BRIAN: OK! (he shades his eyes)
LAUREN: Don’t cover your face! How am I supposed to tell if you’re lying or not?
BRIAN: Well where am I supposed to look?
LAUREN: At my shoe, scumbag. (Lauren slips her foot out of her shoe.) At. My. Shoe.
BRIAN: Ok. Ok.
LAUREN KICKS IT ACROSS THE ROOM. HE STAYS LOOKING AT HER FOOT.
LAUREN: Not my foot you creep! The shoe!
LAUREN EVALUATES HIS ABILITY TO TRACK THE SHOE, MOVING IT BACK AND FORTH, BEFORE FINALLY SETTING IT ON A COUNTER. SHE SOLILOQUIZES.
LAUREN: All right, Mr. Morales. Say for a moment I believe your claims. That your suspiciously well rehearsed story turns out to be true. That your ex is exploiting your disgusting body and that anyone on the internet will even bother to watch. That she’s blackmailing you with the tawdry record of your misdeeds as leverage –
BRIAN: Actually she hasn’t reached out to me yet-
LAUREN: Don’t derail my investigation, maggot. Unless that’s been your plan all along? Is that it?
BRIAN: I didn’t plan anything!
LAUREN: Bullpooch! You planned this conversation, didn’t you? (beat) But it’s not going how you planned, is it? I see you did your homework on our precinct, Mr. Morales. (grabs his lapels) But you didn’t do your homework on me, punk!
LAUREN: WHO SENT YOU!?
LAUREN: WHO SENT YOU? (slaps Brian. When he recovers) Was it Harris?
BRIAN: Who’s Harris?
LAUREN: Who do you work for? (slaps Brian. When he recovers) WHO DO YOU WORK FOR?
BRIAN: I, I, I…
LAUREN: “I” what, you son of a bitch? Gimme a name!
LAUREN: I.A.? Are you saying I.A.? Did internal affairs send you?
BRIAN: Internal Affairs?
LAUREN:Is this a setup! Are you wearing a wire? (she rips his shirt) Where is it? (she yells into his armpit) Are you listening, you sneaky bags of shit? Is that you in the black van, Jabrowski? Because I’ve got a lot to say about all of you too. You sure you want the Captain to hear? Let’s do this! Are you listening?
LAUREN: Shaddup. (back to his armpit) I know where the bodies are buried, all right? God help me, Jabrowski, but I know. And all the liquor and hookers and xanax couldn’t ever make me forget. All that concrete. All those stainless steel weights. And the lobster cages. (shudders, shakes it off) Did you know I can’t even look at seafood anymore, did you know that? Well did ya? Well I can’t. So please. Don’t make this go down ugly, Harris. I’m not gonna beg. You taught me that. You taught me everything. But did you teach me how to regret? Yeah, I said regret, Jabrowski ! Was that on the syllabus too? I regret how we used to mean something to each other. Because I could take down anyone else in this rotten joint. I could do anything to anyone if I get backed into a corner! But Jabrowski- Edna- does it have to be you? (beat) Please. Don’t let it be you.
LAUREN BREAKS DOWN FROM THE WEIGHT OF JUSTICE’S SCALES.
BRIAN: I don’t know anything about any of that.
LAUREN: You’re just a patsy too, aren’t you?
BRIAN: Probably? I have no idea. But please. Hey. (he reaches for her) It’s gonna be okay-
LAUREN JUJITSU THROWS BRIAN WITHOUT THINKING.
LAUREN: KA-SHA!!! (regret) Oh my god!
BRIAN: Ow, my back!
LAUREN: What the hell were you thinking? NEVER SNEAK UP AND STARTLE A POLICE OFFICER! Don’t you know we are like powerful skittish endangered jungle cats? Or bison!
BRIAN: I can’t feel my legs .
LAUREN: (to her intercom or walkie) MEDIC! (shakes him by the lapels) Stay with me! Stay with me! Don’t you die on me dammit!
ENTER CHAD AND FUZZY AS EMT’S.
LAUREN: Get him to the ICU stat!
FUZZY: What’s the problem, Detective Blake?
LAUREN: (re: herself) A broken heart. (beat. re: Brian) I don’t know, he had a seizure. Probably a drug addict.
CHAD AND FUZZY REMOVE BRIAN OVER HIS PROTESTS. LAUREN GOES TO THE COUNTER. SHE LOOKS SADLY AT HER SHOE.
LAUREN: I know you’re watching, Sarah. Come out from behind the one-way mirror before I come back there and drag you out.
ENTER SARAH, SLOW CLAPPING.
SARAH: You performed above expectations, Detective Blake. (she takes out a ripped DVD)
LAUREN: (gripping the DVD between them) Is this the last copy of my sex tape?
SARAH: I’m a woman of my word, Detective.
LAUREN GRABS THE DVD AND SHATTERS IT.
SARAH: Pity. I thought you’d want it as a souvenir.
LAUREN PUTS A CHOKE HOLD ON SARAH.
LAUREN: Souvenir this, creep. So tell me. In your last moments of consciousness before I choke you out. Where do you want them to find your body, Sarah? In the back of a stolen car? Or floating in the bay?
SARAH: Or vimeo.
ENTER CHAD WITH CAMCORDER. LAUREN RELEASES SARAH.
SARAH: I mean, they both do livestreaming now. Let’s just hope my associates don’t flip the setting to public.
SARAH: Let’s hear it for cloud computing, huh? Wave for Detective Jabrowski , now. What, so quiet? (adjusts Lauren’s hair in a proprietary fashion) Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?
LAUREN: (broken) What else do you want from me? When does it end?
SARAH: Isn’t it obvious? It’s not the end…
ENTER FUZZY WITH BOOM MIKE. HE AND CHAD SET UP THE SHOT.
SARAH: It’s only the beginning.
LAUREN: You monster!
SARAH: Shhh. Just close your eyes and think of Edna Jabrowski. You know what to do…
LAUREN SAYS “I’M SORRY” TO THE CAMERA, CLOSES HER EYES, THEN REACHES TO UNBUTTON HER BLOUSE.
CHAD: (to Fuzzy) Speed!
FAST BLACKOUT ON ACTION, IMPLYING RATHER THAN SHOWING.