Directed by James Nelson

Featuring Jess Thomas, David O. Stein & Jamie Currier

CAST OF CHARACTERS:

JESS – Talk-show host in a prime post-apocalyptic time-slot / comes across as Charlie Rose but is, in fact, much closer to an insane rambling person on public access

JAIME – Jess’ Mother / dressed as a sweet old lady / supportive and enabling of her beloved son / acts as his crowd control, holding up APPLAUSE and LAUGHTER signs

WEINHARD BAIRDLAW – Talk show guest / target of Jess’ aggressive quasi- journalism

NOTE ON COSTUMES:

This being post-apocalyptic, the more tattered, torn and stained the better. Perhaps clothes that were once fancy.

NOTE ON AUDIENCE INTERACTION:

It could be possible for Jess to acknowledge whenever the audience reacts without prompt from Jaime by appearing confused by the unplanned laughter.

At rise there are 2 chairs CENTER STAGE, facing themselves in an interview set-up. JESS enters.

JESS

Hello everyone. Thank you. Tonight’s episode is very special, extremely critical. I’ve been getting an overwhelming push from our viewers to address the immediate concerns facing us and our fair community. And, although certain powers-that-be would prefer I simply gloss over these hot-button issues and continue to focus on the time before and the carefree excess we wallowed in, I feel it is my duty as a journalist and as a sound-minded homosapien to give the people what they want. Thank you, thank you, no need to clap, thank you.

He waits for a non-existent clap – or maybe people do clap, at which point he gets visibly annoyed that it took them so long to clap.

What was that? Oh, yes, I am brave. Okay, then, we have a very special guest tonight. Someone on the cutting edge of secret underground research who may perhaps hold the key to our salvation. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome—

(he looks offstage, impatiently)

I said – please welcome…

JAIME comes scurrying onstage, carrying an APPLAUSE SIGN.

JESS

Please welcome … DR. WEINHARD BAIRDLAW!

JESS

Thank you for joining us.

BAIRDLAW

Absolutely, Jess—

JAMIE holds up APPLAUSE SIGN. People applaud, maybe.

BAIRDLAW enters, waving at crowd. He shakes hands with JESS, who protects his hand with a LARGE TOWEL, and they sit down.

JAMIE exits.

JESS

Please, no names. Now, Dr. Weinhard Bairdlaw, to start, why don’t you tell us all – who you’re wearing.

BAIRDLAW

Well, I found this jacket on the side of the scorched turnpike. It was melted into the asphalt, but I managed to pull it free. The tag on the back says MILLER, O POSITIVE.

JESS

Great designer. What about that hat?

BAIRDLAW

I’m not wearing a hat.

JESS

Oh, I’m sorry. That must be your hair. (he looks around, waiting for an audience reaction, impatient beat) Mom!

JAMIE

(enters)

Yes, dear?

JESS

I made a joke.

JAMIE holds up a sign that reads LAUGH. Laughter, maybe.

JESS

Yes, thank you, thank you. In all seriousness, though, Doctor, tell me about what secret life-saving items you’re keeping from us deep underground. Such as a cure for the deadly Vitamin B12 Famine?

BAIRDLAW

Right. The cure for that would be eating meat.

JESS

Ummm, I’m vegan.

BAIRDLAW

Vegetables don’t exist anymore—

JESS

What about protection from the bands of roving feral chihuauas?

BAIRDLAW

Maybe build a retaining wall, like 3 feet high? That should work.

JESS

WHAT ARE YOU KEEPING FROM US?!

JAMIE holds up LAUGHTER SIGN.

JESS

Mom! No, that wasn’t a joke! I was doing guerilla journalism.

JAMIE

I’m sorry, dear, you raised your voice. I got excited.

JESS

Mom, I’m in the middle of the most important interview of my frikkin’ life!

JAMIE

You’re a tremendous interviewer, booboo. But don’t you dare curse upon the cursed earth.

JESS

Mom, I’m 35! I can say frikkin’ if I want!

JAIME

And you could have been anything! You could have been an ash sweeper, you could have been one of those fancy urine-purifiers, they get wonderful benefits, and make terrific, stable breeders!

JESS

I’m a crusader for truth!

JAMIE holds up the LAUGHTER SIGN. Laughter.

JESS

MOM! (beat) Dr. Bairdlaw, what of the rumblings of an untapped fresh water source underground?

BAIRDLAW

That’s just a rumor.

JESS

Realllllly? Because I mounted an in-depth investigation and discovered such a body of water does, in fact, exist, and it’s directly beneath our feet. And it tastes terrible!

BAIRDLAW

I believe you discovered the sewers. And, actually, that would explain the smell.

JESS

Dr. Weinhard Bairdlaw, what can we do to keep alive, and more specifically, what can we do to not give in to the crushing, sun-blasted hopelessness that haunts our every waking moment?

BAIRDLAW

Well, we must work together, we must reproduce at reckless rates, we must limit physical activity and we must regulate misinformation. For instance, the people who attempt to store water in their backs, the factions who have taken to worshipping camels, every single one of them die from cutting a hole in their back. And they’re doing it by the hundreds.

JESS

Sometimes faith is unshakable.

BAIRDLAW

So is stupidity.

JAMIE enters with APPLAUSE SIGN. Applause.

JESS

No, do not applaud him! He is the enemy!

JAIME

No, sugardoodle, he is not the enemy. He’s our friend. He wants to help.

JESS

Mom, you don’t know what you’re talking about—

JAIME

Excuse me? I raised you all by myself in the wake of a catastrophic solar flare that reset civilization and left us foraging like bloodthirsty Chihuahuas! You show me some respect!

BAIRDLAW

Respect your mother.

JESS

Where is your secret scientific installation, Doctor?!

BAIRDLAW

There isn’t one! I’m a general physician! My office is a cardboard box under the bridge!

JESS

Liar! Answer me! My viewers have a right to know!

BAIRDLAW

What viewers? I look into the audience and all I see are charcoal faces drawn on a cement wall.

JESS

They’re real! My mom said so! Right, Mom?

JAIME

Actually, honeyboo, I made it all up. I couldn’t stand you being down here by yourself and being so sad – it just broke my heart — so I did what I had to do to keep the spirits up. I even recorded the fake laugh track for you. You had fun, though, didn’t you, sweetie?

BAIRDLAW

You, ma’am, are an enabler.

JAIME

Oh yeah? Then get out of my house! My baby deserves to be happy, apocalypse or no!

BAIRDLAW

Fine. I’m late for distributing sun lotion to the wealthy 1%, anyway. Oh wait–

JESS

I knew it! He was working in secret to maintain the corrupted status-quo! This is discrimination and, if there were laws left, it would be ILLEGAL!

BAIRDLAW

Whatever. This is so beneath me. I don’t care if your mom did bribe me with ice cubes. I’m outta here.

She raises APPLAUSE SIGN as DR. BAIRDLAW leaves.

BAIRDLAW

And another thing, you soiled plebians…

The sound of RAVENOUS CHIHUAHUAS cut him off! They grab DR. BAIRDLAW offstage and start dragging him away.

BAIRDLAW

No! The Chihuahuas! They got in! Oh sweet Jesus, they’re nibbling me!

He’s dragged off.

JAIME holds up LAUGHTER sign. RECORDING: JAIME LAUGHING HARD.

JESS

Oh, I hear it now. I love you, Mom. You’re the best.

JAIME

I love you, too, doodypoo. Now finish your program and come upstairs for some canned peaches and tumbleweed.

JESS

My favorite! (to audience) And that concludes our broadcast evening. You came for the truth, you stayed for the Chihuahua attacks. Until next time, I’m Jess Thomas, telling you: It’s not the end, it’s only the beginning. Good night, and good luck.

Lights out. THE END

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