Directed by Melissa Haines

With Don Wood & Shane Fahy

A Boxcar bound for California. One hobo is sleeping, another is standing over him. After a good amount of time…

JASPER:

HEY!

The sleeping hobo wakes up with a start and grabs a stick to fend off his aggressor.

HORACE:

GET BACK OR I’LL STICK YA’!

JASPER:

Whoa, whoa there buddy. Take it easy. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to save you.

HORACE:

Save me?

JASPER:

That’s right. You could use a little saving right now, yes?

HORACE:

…Yes.

JASPER:

And I’m just the guy.

HORACE:

How’re you gonna save me.

JASPER:

I don’t know. It’s a complicated process. We’re going to have to figure that out as we go along.

HORACE:

Why should I trust you? How do I know you’re not just a con artist or somethin’?

JASPER:

What have you got to lose? It’s not like I’m asking for anything in return. I think it’s safe to say that you’re at a crossroads in life, am I right?

HORACE:

I been at a crossroads ever since I was 13 years old, mister? What’s so special about now?

JASPER:

Well, I think this is a little different. I tell you what; if you don’t have a profound change in your consciousness by the end of our little talk, I’ll give you this $20 bill.

HORACE:

What else you got?

JASPER:

How about a little somethin’ to drink?

He pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels.

HORACE:

Well, that seems… fair. You got sandwich in that coat of yours?

JASPER:

What kind of sandwich?

HORACE:

Liverwurst?

JASPER:

It just so happens…

He pulls out a sandwich and hands it to Horace. Horace sniffs the sandwich.

JASPER: (CONT’D)

Now, you just sit back and have your supper and we’ll get started. First, I’m going to do a little ceremony to get things going. This will determine which method we’ll be employing.

HORACE:

You got a pickle to go with this?

Jasper pulls a neatly wrapped pickle out of his pocket and hands it to Horace. He then pulls a rattle and other ritualistic items out of his pocket and begins an elaborate dance incorporating as many different religious traditions as can be thought up. Horace continues eating and drinking throughout. He goes on for some time until he runs out of things to do. Horace has finished his sandwich.

HORACE: (CONT’D)

Not enough mustard.

JASPER:

Okay, Horace…

HORACE:

Huh?

JASPER:

Did anything I just did strike a chord? Anything familiar?

HORACE:

That little bit in the middle where you did the kind of monkey shuffle was nice… reminded me of my Dad when he’d get drunk on payday.

JASPER:

You mean…

Jasper does a little part of the ritual.

HORACE:

No, that little shuffle with the twirl around.

Jasper does another part of the ritual with a little twirl around.

HORACE: (CONT’D)

Yeah! That’s it. Keep goin’

Jasper keeps going. Horace is inspired and gets up. They begin dancing around doing this little dance. The dance culminates in a wild climax. The two men have an awkward embrace.

JASPER:

That was great, Horace. Now, I’d like to ask you a few questions to determine our best course of action. Number one; favorite movie?

HORACE:

My Friend Flicka.

JASPER:

Favorite song?

HORACE:

Earth Angel.

JASPER:

Are you a Communist?

HORACE:

Huh?

JASPER:

Communist…

HORACE:

I don’t think so…

JASPER:

Socialist…

HORACE:

No.

JASPER:

Anarchist

HORACE:

Probably.

JASPER:

Good. Are you hot?

HORACE:

Uh… no.

JASPER:

Cold?

HORACE:

I should be but, no.

JASPER:

What have you done for the good of your fellow human beings in the past 10 years?

HORACE:

That’s a sore subject… I’ve done a lot of things that I thought were good in my life but somethin’ always mucked up the works. I stopped my Mother from voting for Trump and we all saw how that turned out.  That’s been the story of my life. Whenever I think I’m doing something good, it goes to shit.

JASPER:

Don’t think that your good deeds go unnoticed. There are some who have the Midas touch and some who are subject to Murphy’s law. You are held in high regard, regardless of your successes or failures. The endless cycle of life spins on in all directions and, good or bad, we just keep moving forward until we get it right. I think we’re ready then.

HORACE:

Ready… for what?

JASPER:

For you to be saved. (he pulls out an envelope and turns to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen, The Boxcar Anti-Trump and Death-time achievement award goes to…

Jasper pulls out a knife and dives onto Horace as the lights blackout. In the dark, Jasper yells.

JASPER: (CONT’D)

HEY!

The lights bang up. Horace grabs his stick.

Horace:

GET BACK OR I’LL STICK YA’!

JASPER:

Whoa, whoa there buddy. Take it easy. I’m not here to hurt you. I’m here to save you.

BLACKOUT

 

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