Directed by David O. Stein
With Shane Fahy, Colin Hussey & Margherita Ventura
Lights up on an empty stage.
Classical music plays quietly. We
are in the world-renowned Italian
Museum of Modern Art.
MARGHERITA, a smartly dressed
museum tour guide, leads her tour
group, partners COLIN and SHANE,
Onstage.
MARGHERITA
Continuing on our tour of the French collection, we have one of the most prized
items in our museum, the famous “Petit Chandelier.” It is a fully functional
chandelier so small that the artist actually went blind creating it.
COLIN is extremely impressed.
SHANE cannot focus. He is in dire
need of a restroom.
COLIN
(Whispers to SHANE) Isn’t that incredible?
SHANE nods his head but says
nothing.
MARGHERITA
And over here, we have “Le Solitaire Bleu” or “Blue Spinster.” The artist modeled it
after his ex-lover, who he condemned to a life of emptiness and despair.
COLIN
Wow… fascinating… just brilliant!
SHANE
(To COLIN) I need to take a wiz.
COLIN
What?
SHANE
I’m serious, I’m about to explode over here.
COLIN
Not so loud-
MARGHERITA
Is everything alright?
COLIN
Yes, yes, everything’s fine, my partner just needs to find a restroom.
MARGHERITA
Of course, just head back through the room we just left, circle around the floating
pentagon, take a left at the invisible handmaiden statue, and it’s right there under
the floor mat.
COLIN
Under the floor mat?
SHANE
Don’t worry I’ll find it.
SHANE runs out with urgency.
MARGHERITA continues her tour.
MARGHERITA
These stairs over here were actually constructed as an immersive art installation
where guests could walk up the stairs and feel the buzz of thousands of bumble bees
trapped in the floorboards underneath them.
COLIN
Is that a metaphor?
MARGHERITA
What do you mean?
COLIN
Well obviously the artist didn’t use actual bumble bees.
COLIN laughs to himself. COLIN
pretends to scream as if he being
chased by a thousand bumble bees.
MARGHERITA does not find it
amusing.
MARGHERITA
Sir, please do not mock the art.
COLIN
Oh, I wasn’t-
MARGHERITA
Sir. May I please continue my tour?
COLIN nods sheepishly.
MARGHERITA
(Clearing her throat) The unique floor color was chosen by the founder of the
museum, who thought that walking through a museum should feel like an
unintended ayahuasca trip-
SHANE returns, but looks somewhat unsettled.
SHANE
(To COLIN) Sorry I took so long, (to MARGHERITA) can you excuse us for a moment?
MARGHERITA
Is everything okay?
MARGHERITA receives an alert on
her walkie-talkie.
MARGHERITA
One moment please.
She speaks in Italian to an operator
on the other end.
In Italian she says: This is
Margherita speaking. Situation?
What kind of situation? Code
brown? What is a code brown?
Slow down, I don’t understand.
(She continues this dialogue,
improvisation encouraged, until her
next line.)
As she speaks on her walkie-talkie,
SHANE pulls COLIN aside and
speaks to him with urgency.
SHANE
(Pulling COLIN aside) We need to get out of here.
COLIN
What are you talking about?
SHANE
We need to leave, now, come on.
COLIN
Okay, what is going on with you?
SHANE
We don’t have time, I’ll explain in the car.
COLIN
I’m not moving an inch until you tell me what’s happening.
SHANE
(Grumbles) I couldn’t find the bathroom.
COLIN
What?
SHANE
I couldn’t find the bathroom.
COLIN
Okay, so?
SHANE
So… do you remember… the white room? With all those fancy bowls and that…
that…
COLIN
No… You didn’t…
SHANE nods his head.
COLIN
Duchamp’s…. No…
SHANE
So like I said, we need to get out of here, right now.
COLIN
Did it drain? Maybe they won’t notice-
SHANE
Draining is not the issue.
COLIN
What do you mean? If it drained-
SHANE
No, I mean… (Pause) It wasn’t a wiz.
COLIN
Wasn’t a wiz- OH MY GOD.
SHANE
Shh!!!
COLIN
You shit in Duchamp’s Fountain?!?
SHANE
I didn’t have a choice. Now let’s get out of here before someone-
MARGHERITA gasps, learning the
truth of the matter from her
supervisor via the walkie-talkie.
She approaches SHANE with
suspicion.
MARGHERITA
Sir, there has been an emergency in the museum, no guests are permitted to enter or
leave.
SHANE
Jesus Christ.
MARGHERITA
Someone has ruined the most valuable item in our collection.
SHANE
Ruined is such a strong term.
COLIN
Shut up!
MARGHERITA
Do you two know anything about this heinous crime?
SHANE/COLIN
No/Not at all.
MARGHERITA
(To SHANE) Sir, are your sure there is nothing you want to tell me?
SHANE
(Long Pause) No, not really.
COLIN
For God’s sake, it was him!
SHANE
For the love of-
COLIN
It’s fine, we just have to explain what happened and then we’ll get out of here.
MARGHERITA
What kind of person would do such a thing?
SHANE
I… I… (Hesitantly) It was an act of artistic resistance.
MARGHERITA/COLIN
…What?
SHANE
(Slightly more confident) Yeah. Artistic resistance. Like Degas said, ‘Art is not what
you see, but what you make others see,’ or something.
MARGHERITA/COLIN
…What?
SHANE
(With confidence growing to the point of diatribe) You’ve all forgotten what
Duchamp was trying to do. He was trying to provoke people, to make them see art
in a different way. But now we can just see a urinal and say “oh look, it’s art.”
Whoop-die-do. I was just trying to provoke people and remind them the true
meaning of that piece of art. Can you really punish someone for recreating the same
artistic action you esteem so highly?
MARGHERITA
(Pause) Sir, we’re going to need to place you under arrest.
SHANE
RUN!
SHANE and COLIN run out of the
museum, MARGHERITA chasing
them and calling for backup in
Italian on her walkee-talkee.
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 