Directed by Chloe Bronzan
With Rachel Brown & Celia Maurice
Characters:
Nancy – A middle aged woman with a jaw that never unclenches. Late 40s but looks older. Frumpy, high-strung, type A, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Carol – Late 40s but looks younger. Sweet, naïve, ditsy but maybe it’s just an act. Far too dressed up for this event.
Setting:
A Middle School Auditorium in Hannibal, Missouri.
A spotlight comes up on NANCY who has a look of intense discernment on her face. She adjusts her glasses and mumbles a few unintelligible words to herself. She’s having difficulty seeing in the bright light.
NANCY
Can you turn the lights down please? Daryl? Can you turn the lights down? (Lights adjust) Thank you. Alright. Settle down. I’d like to thank everyone who braved the snowstorm to come out tonight. We apologize for the delay, but well, we’re here now. I’ve been a part of this organization since it’s founding, and never in the history of the Hannibal, Missouri district 5, “Middle and Elementary School Mentorship in Environmental Awareness Award”, or MESMEAA, have we had such a close race. And yet, let’s not forget the true winner tonight is Mother Earth. That’s why we’re here, not for ourselves, but for our planet. And yet, (to herself) somehow, tonight we are here to celebrate Mrs. Bernstein’s class’ proposal for their “Walking on Eggshells,” eggshell composting campaign. Let’s hear it for Carol!
Applause. We see CAROL. She is obnoxiously overdressed.
NANCY
47 and looking great! If there’s one thing I can say about Carol it’s that she knows trash! And even though she doesn’t have kids herself, she’s still deeply committed to preserving the world for our children. Give it up for Carol!
NANCY hands CAROL the mic and a decorated apple (the official trophy for the MESMEAA) and steps aside. NANCY takes out a flask and attempts to drink it discreetly during CAROL’S speech.
CAROL
Thank you Nancy for that…lovely introduction. I honestly wish there was a second place award so that you could get the recognition you deserve. I want to take a moment to thank the academy- the committee, I mean the committee. It’s such an honor. Funnily enough, I got the idea for this campaign when I saw Nancy throwing eggshells into the trash in the Teacher’s Lounge, so she really does deserve partial credit. Many people do not realize how wasteful it is to dispose of eggshells in the trash. If we do not start composting eggshells, we will literally be walking on eggshells for the rest of our lives. If we do not turn this ship around, we are heading straight for eggshell island and, trust me, no one wins on eggshell island. Think about it. (Pause) I accept this award on behalf of myself, Leonardo Di Caprio, and other like-minded earth fighters, who recognize that the first step to change is education. I have always seen myself as a teacher. Not because I’m a teacher by profession, but because I care about other people knowing things that they didn’t know before. Like when I see a little girl who can’t tie her shoes on the street, I refuse to leave until she knows what she’s doing.
NANCY signals CAROL to wrap up from the side of the stage.
CAROL
Of course, I could not have done this without the assistance of my entire sixth grade class.
As a great poet once said, “I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside-”
NANCY awkwardly embraces CAROL and grabs the mic from her.
NANCY
That’s a Whitney Houston song, but great speech anyways! Let’s hear it for Carol!
NANCY leads CAROL off.
NANCY
What an odd anecdote that was at the beginning; I don’t seem to remember throwing eggshells into the trash considering that I don’t eat eggs-
CAROL returns and grabs the mic.
CAROL
Oh no, I remember, I was there-
NANCY grabs the mic back.
NANCY
Well my class’ project was on the positive effects of veganism-
CAROL grabs the mic.
CAROL
You didn’t seem very vegan at the Christmas party last year..
NANCY grabs the mic.
NANCY
Carol I think you’re moment is done and it’s time for other people to have moments so-
CAROL grabs the mic.
CAROL
I would just like to remind everyone that each and every one of you has the power to make a difference in the lives of others if you-
NANCY grabs the mic.
NANCY
I just want to remind everyone that Carol thought composting was a makeup technique until last year.
CAROL
Gosh darn it Nancy, I’m just trying to talk to the children.
NANCY
There’s no need to swear, Carol.
CAROL
Did you know that by the year 2069-
NANCY
NO ONE CARES, CAROL.
CAROL
(Earnestly) What are you talking about? Everyone cares, Nancy. These people do not need to see this childish display of jealousy.
NANCY
Jealousy? You think I’m jealous of you? I’m proud to be someone who doesn’t need an award to be a decent human being. Awards are for egomaniacs. I mean, the idea of giving someone a prize for something they should have been doing just for the sake of it? If I save a drowning child I’m not doing it for the award. Not all of us need pretty trophies to remind us how good we are. Some of us are actually just good people who do things to make the world a less terrible place.
CAROL
Well what do you want me to do, Nancy? (Referring to the MESMEAA Apple) Throw it in the compost?
NANCY
Well that seems…. fair.
CAROL
I deserve this award, and you know it, you’re just-
NANCY
Oh what this award? This award?
She rips off the decorations and takes a bite out of the apple.
NANCY
This award? Is this the award you’re talking about? THIS IS AN APPLE, CAROL!
CAROL
You monster!
NANCY
You know what Carol? I’m so glad you won this award, because I forgot lunch today.
CAROL
Give me that back!
NANCY offers her the chewed up apple from her mouth.
CAROL
You’re disgusting.
NANCY
At least I’ve got tenure.
NANCY spits chewed apple into a small clearly marked trash can (despite the close proximity of the compost bin). She drops the trash can as if she is dropping a mic. She walks away slowly.
Outro: Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love of All”
Blackout.
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 