Dan sits alone at the employee break table. There are two solo cups stacked upside down on the table. Dan takes out lunch. Eats.
ENTER Amanda with food.
AMANDA
Hey Dan!
DAN
Hello.
AMANDA
Man it’s beautiful out! Sunny all week.
DAN
Sunny and 75 til Sunday.
AMANDA
Really?
DAN
I think so.
AMANDA
(Amanda sits, takes out her food.) Maybe I’ll take my class outside. You ever do that?
DAN
No.
(They both eat, silently.)
AMANDA
Hey, are we cool?
DAN
(Pause) Yeah, yeah.
AMANDA
Ok, great, because….Woah! (Sees something under Dan’s chair.)
DAN
What?
AMANDA
Under your chair
DAN
(Not looking) What?
AMANDA
There’s a spider.
(Dan BOLTS up as she finishes the word spider and sprints as far away from the spider as possible. Stands in the corner.)
AMANDA
Uhh..Dan? Are you ok?
DAN
Ya. I uh, spiders freak me out.
AMANDA
Oh. Well I think it freaked out too. It’s gone.
DAN
Was it big?
AMANDA
No not at all.
DAN
You said “Woah!”
AMANDA
It was super cute and fuzzy!
DAN
Fuzzy?
AMANDA
I love spiders.
DAN
Mmm
AMANDA
How do they scare you?
DAN
I don’t know. They’re gross. They’re like little aliens that can move quickly in any direction. But I’ve gotten a lot better. (Starts back to his chair.) On the East Coast I was like a 9. Now I’m more like a 7.5.
AMANDA
There’s a scale?
DAN
Well, in my head, yeah. (Checks “casually” under his chair. Sits down, noticeably a bit uncomfortable.)
AMANDA
Do you want to switch seats?
DAN
Yes. (They switch.)
It’s pretty dumb. I’m trying to figure it out, like why spiders.
AMANDA
Any theories?
DAN
Yeah, two: either they killed my ancestors, the poisonous ones, or B, the Secret of NIMH.
AMANDA
The book?
DAN
No, the movie. The book was great, but the movie was terrifying. The part where Elizabeth the mouse climbs into the tree to talk to the owl? There’s webs everywhere and then she’s stalked by this satanic spider with saliva dripping from its huge fangs.
AMANDA
Woah.
DAN
Yeah, it’s metal as fuck.
AMANDA
What?
DAN
It’s metal. It’s dark and twisted, and pretty awesome really. But I was way too young.
AMANDA
Right. (They eat more.) So who’s your favorite metal band?
DAN
Oooh, I’d hafta say… Sir Lord Baltimore. You?
AMANDA
Cannibal Corpse.
DAN
Wow. (They eat.) What about you? Any irrational fears?
AMANDA
Commitment. And sharks.
DAN
Well sharks, that’s legit.
AMANDA
No, I used to freak myself out in the shower visualizing them crashing through the wall, mouth open.
DAN
Oh. Shit.
AMANDA
Yeah. I blame Jaws.
DAN
You should see The Meg.
AMANDA
The Meg?
DAN
Yeah, as in, Megalodon shark. The size of a blue whale.
AMANDA
Good God.
DAN
Yeah! It’s got Jason Statham and Dwight from The Office.
AMANDA
Ahh, what could go wrong?
DAN
Right? 75 foot shark.
AMANDA
Hell no, I will pass. Did you see it?
DAN
No, it looks terrible.
But I probably will.
AMANDA
Dan, don’t move.
DAN
Where is it??!
AMANDA
Shut up! (Amanda grabs a cup from the table and slams it on the ground over the spider.)
Got it!
DAN
Ahhh, really?
AMANDA
Yeah, grab me a piece of paper.
DAN
Uhh… (shuffles through his bag, finds one, hands it to her. She slides it under the cup). Are you going to save it?
AMANDA
(Stands.) No. We are. Put out your hand.
DAN
What?
AMANDA
You’re going to hold the paper.
DAN
Uhh, no.
AMANDA
Do you want to conquer your fear or not?
DAN
Umm
AMANDA
If you don’t help me put this guy outside I will tell all your students how fast you run from spiders. We will call you Spider-Man.
DAN
Don’t do that.
AMANDA
Ok, I’ll tell all your students about last night on the baseball field.
DAN
Keep your voice down! You wouldn’t, they’d fire us both.
AMANDA
School’s out in a week, and then I’m moving to Texas. You know this.
DAN
Amanda.
AMANDA
Dan, this is an incredibly small spider.
DAN
You said it was fuzzy.
AMANDA
It’s not that fuzzy.
DAN
I kind of hate you right now.
AMANDA
That’s okay. Put your hand out.
DAN
No.
AMANDA
Yes.
DAN
No.
AMANDA
Yes.
DAN
No.
AMANDA
Dan.
DAN
(Deep breath.) You’re the worst. (Slowly puts out his hand while quietly repeating nope nope nope nope.)
(Amanda comes over with spider in the cup and paper, Dan gets louder, “nope nope nope” Amanda puts the cup with paper on Dan’s hand, louder “nope nope nope”)
AMANDA
You’re fine.
DAN
I’m not fine!!
(Amanda suddenly pulls the paper out and holds Dan’s hand on the cup from below.)
DAN
NOOOOooomygod!!! What’re you doing?! (Panic mode noises.) Open the door, the door, open the door! It’s everywhere!
(Amanda opens the door, Dan hurls the cup, slams the door. Dan breathes really heavily, dry heaves?, wipes hands on pants.)
AMANDA
You did it!
DAN
Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you?!!
AMANDA
Shit, I gotta go teach. (Grabs her stuff.)
DAN
That was awful.
AMANDA
(At the door.) No, that was metal as fuck. (Exits.)
DAN
(Still breathing hard, looking at the door, pulls out his phone.)
Siri, movie times for The Meg, San Francisco.
(He stares at the phone while it responds. He looks up still breathing a little hard, looks at the door, and subtly nods his head up and down, determined/ insane. Dan’s gaze comes back to the table and the remaining upside down cup. After a moment, he slowly lifts the edge to assure there is no spider. He lowers the edge back down, and then slowly pushes the cup away.)
Lights fade out, music comes in (perhaps something by Sir Lord Baltimore.)
Art and Music in Our Souls 