A classroom. A table has been turned on its side with a colorful blanket draped over it, somewhere between a barricade and a fort. Two teachers, AVERY and REN, are crouched behind it, hiding from something that is upstage (so they are visible to the audience). REN is texting rapidly. AVERY peaks over the edge of the table periodically. They speak in hushed tones.
AVERY:
Where is Elle?
REN:
I don’t know; she’s not responding.
AVERY:
She was supposed to break us five minutes ago. What about Sarita, is she answering?
REN:
She’s out today; I’m trying to get a hold of Chelsea in the office and find out who’s actually on the schedule. Do you see anything?
AVERY:
No, but it’s only a matter of time-duck!
They both hunch down.
REN:
What?
AVERY:
I thought I saw something move.
REN:
I swear to the Wiggles if I miss out on French-Friday again I am going to teach all the pre-Ks “The Song That Never Ends” right before they go to aftercare.
AVERY:
Shh!
REN:
Sorry.
AVERY:
Shhhhhhhhhh!
They wait. Silence. Nothing. AVERY tentatively peeks back over the edge of the table.
AVERY:
All clear.
They relax their positions. REN continues tapping at her phone; AVERY looks around at the classroom walls, bobbing her head and eventually quietly humming/singing the “Baby Shark” song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqZsoesa55w
REN:
Cut it out!
AVERY:
Sorry! I can’t do the quiet anymore!
REN:
I hate that Baby Shark song so much.
AVERY:
It’s constantly stuck in my head. I sing it in the shower. With the motions.
REN:
I have to listen to gangster rap when I drive home to try to get rid of it, and I don’t even like rap that much.
AVERY:
I’ve started falling asleep to D&D Playthrough Podcasts because the silence freaks me out. And then I start humming that song in my dreams.
REN:
Sometimes I fantasize about murdering whoever wrote that Baby Shark song.
AVERY:
Weren’t you just threatening to teach everyone “The Song That Never Ends”?
REN:
…well, at least that one’s a classic.
AVERY:
(sighing) How long has it been?
REN:
Ten minutes.
AVERY:
Ten already? Where the noodle is Elle; she’s supposed to be here before the break starts!
REN:
It’s French-Friday; they’re probably all up in the office right now luxuriating in deep-fried potato-y goodness.
AVERY:
You know, we never had this problem when we did Taco-Tuesday! But as soon as they switched the catered lunch day to Friday, suddenly no one wants to cover the lunch breaks for the toddler rooms.
REN:
You know, they really should give us a lot more credit considering that we have to keep 30 children alive all day while also cleaning up constant poop.
AVERY:
They should cater us FULL lunch on Fridays.
REN:
Lifetime memberships to Massage Envy.
AVERY:
Ooh, better.
REN:
And stock options in Purell.
AVERY:
(peeking over the table) You know, my lunch bag is just on the desk, not the squeaky cupboard. I’ll bet I could sneak over there and grab it.
REN:
That’s a big risk.
AVERY:
What could go wrong?
REN:
Literally anything!
AVERY:
I brought those Hillshire Farms adult Lunchables.
REN:
Worth it; Mr. Rogers be with you.
REN makes the sign of the cross or dabs or whatever in some form of blessing over AVERY, who takes a couple deep breaths then darts quickly and silently around the table and out of sight. REN waits. Listens. Still nothing. Turns and is just about to peek over the table when AVERY comes skidding back around with a lunch bag and drops to the floor, gasping deep breaths as quietly as possible.
REN:
That was amazing.
AVERY:
I heard a rustling and though I almost lost it.
REN:
No way, that was some serious ninja skill.
AVERY:
Now we just have to get through opening the packaging and we’re set.
REN:
Hey, we might still have a good 15 minutes, we can take all the time we-
Abruptly REN’s phone starts ringing loudly (with some very peppy and not particularly child-appropriate ringtone – Rihanna or Beyonce or something like that maybe?). Both teachers scramble to grab and silence it – it should take a significant bit of time. They get the phone silenced and hold still, waiting. Nothing. They are just about to sigh with relief when they hear it: a small child whimpers, then starts crying. Then we watch the the teachers dreams of eating lunch shatter to a glorious, horrifying chorus of toddlers crying, babbling, giggle as they all wake and join in. On the verge of tears themselves, the teachers stand up.
AVERY:
(fake-cheery small-child-voice) Hi friends! Okay, okay, looks like nap time is over! Now, we need to fold up our blankets, and then we can all sing a song, okay? Let’s fold our blankets now…
AVERY disappears upstage of the table, voice fading into the child-cacophony. REN glances down at the phone and redials.
REN:
Hi Chelsea. You better save us a mountain of goddamn french fries.
BLACKOUT
Outro Music (Baby Shark, of course): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqZsoesa55w
Art and Music in Our Souls 