- ALL WORDS IN ITALICS ARE SPOKEN IN FRENCH WITH A FRENCH ACCENT
- Banks is a man. Babbette is a woman. One female actor will play the man.
FADE IN:
EXT. PARIS CAFE CIRCA 1925
Banks sits at an outdoor cafe in Paris staring at the moon above. He is drinking a glass of something red. BABETTE arrives. She’s late but seems not to care.
BANKS
I’m glad you finally arrived. I thought that maybe you had been accosted by a gang of shifters.
(BABETTE sits and stares off at the moon as well)
BABETTE
Very funny, Banks.
BANKS
A joke.
(Pause)
BABETTE
I love a full moon.
(Silence only the sound of the street are heard)
BANKS
Last night at Les Deux Magot when we shared Bloody Mary’s and escargot I thought perhaps, for just a moment, that my war injury would one day disappear along with my nonchalant cynicism and loathing of humanity. Seeing you again after so many years, is giving me a slight tingling sensation. A sensation in my lower regions that I haven’t felt in years. Maybe, finally I can be cured of erectile dysfunction – damn that Nazi shell fragment.
(He leans into get closer to kiss Babette.)
BABETTE
You know there is no cure for that mon chéri. I am so very sorry….. pardonne-moi, I am being so very rude… There is something I must tell you. You see, I am often alone here in Paris with nothing to do but feed on artists and writers; sexing with them often and getting nothing in return but the stench of gingivitis lingering in my nostrils due to their pervasively bad oral hygiene.
BANKS
(He moves int to sniff her nostrils.
A look of disgust)
Terrible! The lingering odor des bactéries in your nostrils could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
BABETTE
Don’t be so crude! It is not becoming of a gentleman.
BANKS
Sorry.
(Still reeling from the stench, yet trying to overcome)
I am somewhat shocked by your rendez-vous sexuels. But I don’t care! I want to kiss you now despite your nauseating funk…a desire I haven’t felt since the day the damned shrapnel ruined my chances for amour, but now because of this vulgaire odeur emanating from both ends of your organisme, I am experiencing some nausea and am suppressing the desire to upchuck.
BABETTE
Kiss me! Kiss me, Banks, you imbécile!
(They kiss passionately and then begin to suck each other’s necks vampire style)
BANKS
I’m sorry, what is your name again?
BABETTE
Je m’appelle Babette.
BANKS
Babette, are you sure?
BABETTE
Quite.
BANKS
Babette, although your vile stench is causing me great distress, my love for you is beyond anything I had ever imagined. It’s as though The Darkness itself has touched my soul and brought it back to life.
(A waltz begins to play and they dance.)
BANKS
As we become more in tune with each other’s bodies I am only reminded that there can be no bonne finition for me – blasted war injury! Merde! Oh grosse merde!
BABETTE
My darling, I must tell you that I am engaged to be wed to another in the spring. He’s a werewolf I met at a soirée at Hem’s appartement last summer. His name is Fred Trump the grandfather of a man not yet born named Donald. Fred is quite the specimen but my vampire mojo tells me his grandson will be a vile, orange creature who will become leader of the free world. He will grab pussies at will, he will betray his allies and hastily take a timeless flight to meet with a short brutal Korean named Rocketman. He will use the superior intelligence of a fellow vamp named Kellyann something to spread his propaganda. He will commit crimes of humanity against helpless brown children by snatching them from the arms of their mothers and putting them in prison camps. And I sense these are only drops of blood in the bucket of his future atrocities.
BANKS
Magnifique, Babette! I believe you just had a moment of vampire precognition! Let’s have a glass of pig’s blood to celebrate..
(Offstage)
Oh garcon, could we have two glasses of your best 1997 Sang de Boeuf?
Now, tell me more about this Monsieur Fred Trump.
BABETTE
Well, he’s very handsome and has beautiful canine teeth. He owns a brothel à côté de Notre-Dame de Paris He is also very rich and well endowed.
(Babette switches internal gears).
Precognition alert! His grandson Donald is unable to satisfy any woman and externalizes his self-loathing on the entire world…
(she is back to normal)
Sacre bleu, this bout of precognition is getting me very tired. What do you say we retire to my den for a little head to head,.. Uh, I mean..
tête à tête?
BANKS
O, oui, oui mon petit vampire. The moon may provide us with enough light on the way to consume a few of the living……. Um, it may be a little premature of me, but would you consider accompanying me to Spain to see the bullfights in June? The blood is simply superb. I would so very much love this, mon cheri.
BABETTE
Mon petit chou, I will be wed to Fred by then, helping him run the brothel and feeding on those who can’t pay for services.
BANKS
I spit on Fred! I spit on him! He is the shriveled grandfather of an orange orang-outan! How could you choose him over me….. Is it my war injury? Huh? Tell me! Tell me!
(Banks starts to get rough with BABETTE, trying to bite her neck.)
BABETTE
Mon canard, my love for you is eternal, but I could never be with a vampire who cannot satisfy me with his shrunken, permanently petite sausage caused by the terrible piece of grenade lodged in his back preventing any future amour sexuel. Now come along. You are drunk.
BANKS
I am not drunk at all!
BABETTE
Well then, try and behave!
BANKS
Behave! Behave?
BABETTE
Yes, behave.
(Banks suddenly realizes her bad behavior). PAUSE
BANKS
Do you need any money? A cigarette?
BABETTE
Yes, a cigarette.
(They sit smoking together in the quiet, eventually holding one another).
BABETTE
Darling, there must be an answer for us somewhere despite your little problem.
BANKS
Well, where do we go from here?
BABETTE
Je ne sais pas. There must be an answer for us somewhere on this earth.
BANKS
(Holding her hand)
I’m sure there must be.
(They sit quietly for a few moments smoking and watching the moon.)
(Banks steps forward toward audience and addresses them)
BANKS
(to audience)
One generation of the creatures of darkness passes away, and another generation arrives… and yet the night abides forever. But la lune se lève aussi…..
END OF PLAY
Art and Music in Our Souls 