LIGHTS UP ON:
A table, at which sits JERRY. He’s
disheveled and incredibly anxious.
JERRY
Everything’s cool, everything’s cool. I’m gonna be fine.
Gonna be fine.
He BREATHES IN for ten seconds, then
BREATHES OUT for ten seconds. It
didn’t work.
JERRY
Nope! I’m gonna die. Definitely gonna die. Awww fuck. So
this is it. That bully from 4th grade was right. I’m gonna
die alone.
We hear ANNA SCREAM offstage.
ANNA (OFF)
Jesus fuck! Get away, just get AWAY!
ANNA BURSTS onto the stage, catching
her breath. She’s disheveled as well.
ANNA
Those monsters! They’re everywhere! I barely got away from-
Oh. Hey.
JERRY
Hey.
ANNA
How did you get in here?
JERRY
I fought my way here!
Jerry steps downstage. Music plays.
JERRY
It was just another day. Another day in the life. I woke
- Had a smoke. Drank some coffee. Jerked off in the
shower. Yeah, it was just another day. Until…
ANNA
Until what?
JERRY
Until I came to work. It was quiet at first. Too quiet. And
then they came. They came in a wave, like… like a wave. I
couldn’t stop them. No one could. They overran the one
guard on site like fire ants on a… uh… a lizard or
somethin’. So, I ducked down a side hall and ran in here.
ANNA
Are we… are we the only ones? The only ones left?
JERRY
I don’t see how anyone could survive out there. It’s chaos.
Chaos!
ANNA
Jerry… I think… I think this is the end. The end of all
things.
Jerry goes back into panic mode. Anna
stares ahead, in shock.
JERRY
Oh god, oh god, oh god…
BETH walks in, very chipper. She talks
quickly.
BETH
Hi team! How’s your Monday going? Mine’s been crazy. First,
BART was running like, 20 minutes late. UGHN, right? Then I
get to Starbucks and the usual hot barista isn’t there,
it’s some gross old white dude with a huge beer belly, and
I swear to god, his top row of teeth were solid gold.
Morning ruined. And then, of course, they get my drink
order wrong. I was like, look buddy-
She sees Jerry cowering at the table,
in the midst of a full blown panic
attack. Anna is just staring straight
ahead.
BETH
What, did you guys wake up on the wrong side of the studio
apartment?
Anna GRABS Beth by the lapels, shaking
her.
ANNA
What is wrong with you? Did you just walk down the same
hall we did? Those, those things are everywhere! What are
we gonna do?
BETH
Uh, did you not take your pills this morning?
JERRY
They’re unholy. They’re disgusting little imps, snarling
and clawing at your clothes with gnarled, snotty hands.
ANNA
One of them jumped on me and puked on my face.
JERRY
I can’t. I can’t go back out there. You CAN’T MAKE ME!
BETH
Look, I don’t want to be the typical “boss”. Okay? I don’t.
But as the principal of this elementary school-
ANNA
Vice Principal.
BETH
Whatever. As your boss, I’m telling you to put on your big
boy pants and your big girl pants, and go back to work.
ANNA
One of them actually shit in his hand, and threw it at me.
Like we’re at the zoo.
JERRY
They’re like little monkeys. No, no. They’re worse than
monkeys. Monkeys don’t manipulate their little friends into
putting thumbtacks on your chair or putting laxatives in
your coffee. I still can’t take a shit without severe PTSD.
ANNA
The other day, a seven year old girl… just seven… came
right up and punched me in the hoo-hah. Then just walked
away, laughing like a little crazy person.
JERRY
Do you… do you really call it your hoo-hah?
ANNA
Shutup, Jerry.
JERRY
I can’t… I can’t go back out there. I can’t face them!
BETH
Look at the two of you! Cowering in the corner like
frightened marmots!
ANNA
Marmots?
A military march plays. Beth steps
downstage for a direct address.
BETH
Where’s your courage? Is there no fight left in you? For
generations our predecessors faced this fight with eyes
wide open, and yard sticks at the ready. They walked right
into the lion’s den with their heads held high, no matter
what those little monsters threw at them. Even shit. And
they survived. They thrived! They went home every day,
probably to a whiskey or two, but they went home. Now, are
you gonna stand their and let a bunch of 1st graders get
the best of you? Or will you stand up and fight for what’s
yours? Will you?!
Jerry stands up.
JERRY
I’ll go. I can do it. I mean, what could go wrong? They’re
like, less than half my size. Right? Okay. Let’s go, Jerry.
Let’s go. You got this.
Jerry straightens his tie and runs
offstage.
We hear the sounds of CHILDREN, and
then a SCREAM from Jerry. He runs back
onstage. He doesn’t stop.
JERRY
I was wrong! I was wrong!
He RUNS across the stage and exits. We
hear a window SHATTER and a THUD.
ANNA
Oh my god, Jerry!
BETH
It’s safety glass. We’re on the first floor. He’ll be fine.
ANNA
Still…
BETH
Alright, fine. If you go out there and do your job, I’ll
give you two extra vacation days. No strings.
ANNA
Alright. And… I don’t wanna pay anything into the teacher
coffee fund this month. Or next month.
BETH
Free coffee?
ANNA
That’s right.
BETH
Done. Now get your ass out there and inspire those young
minds to learn!
JERRY (OFF)
Heeeeeeeeeelp.
BETH
Who am I kidding, just try to get through the day, okay?
ANNA
Deal.
JERRY (OFF)
I think I broke my cheek bone.
Anna exits confidently.
LIGHTS OUT.
Art and Music in Our Souls 