A table, at which sits JERRY. He’s

                                  disheveled and incredibly anxious.



           Everything’s cool, everything’s cool. I’m gonna be fine.

           Gonna be fine.


                                  He BREATHES IN for ten seconds, then

                                  BREATHES OUT for ten seconds. It

                                  didn’t work.



           Nope! I’m gonna die. Definitely gonna die. Awww fuck. So

           this is it. That bully from 4th grade was right. I’m gonna

           die alone.


                                  We hear ANNA SCREAM offstage.


                                  ANNA (OFF)

           Jesus fuck! Get away, just get AWAY!


                                  ANNA BURSTS onto the stage, catching

                                  her breath. She’s disheveled as well.



           Those monsters! They’re everywhere! I barely got away from-

           Oh. Hey.






           How did you get in here?



           I fought my way here!


                                  Jerry steps downstage. Music plays.



           It was just another day. Another day in the life. I woke

  1. Had a smoke. Drank some coffee. Jerked off in the

           shower. Yeah, it was just another day. Until…



           Until what?



           Until I came to work. It was quiet at first. Too quiet. And

           then they came. They came in a wave, like… like a wave. I

           couldn’t stop them. No one could. They overran the one

           guard on site like fire ants on a… uh… a lizard or

           somethin’. So, I ducked down a side hall and ran in here.



           Are we… are we the only ones? The only ones left?



           I don’t see how anyone could survive out there. It’s chaos.




           Jerry… I think… I think this is the end. The end of all



                                  Jerry goes back into panic mode. Anna

                                  stares ahead, in shock.



           Oh god, oh god, oh god…


                                  BETH walks in, very chipper. She talks




           Hi team! How’s your Monday going? Mine’s been crazy. First,

           BART was running like, 20 minutes late. UGHN, right? Then I

           get to Starbucks and the usual hot barista isn’t there,

           it’s some gross old white dude with a huge beer belly, and

           I swear to god, his top row of teeth were solid gold.

           Morning ruined. And then, of course, they get my drink

           order wrong. I was like, look buddy-


                                  She sees Jerry cowering at the table,

                                  in the midst of a full blown panic

                                  attack. Anna is just staring straight




           What, did you guys wake up on the wrong side of the studio



                                  Anna GRABS Beth by the lapels, shaking




           What is wrong with you? Did you just walk down the same

           hall we did? Those, those things are everywhere! What are

           we gonna do?



           Uh, did you not take your pills this morning?



           They’re unholy. They’re disgusting little imps, snarling

           and clawing at your clothes with gnarled, snotty hands.



           One of them jumped on me and puked on my face.



           I can’t. I can’t go back out there. You CAN’T MAKE ME!



           Look, I don’t want to be the typical “boss”. Okay? I don’t.

           But as the principal of this elementary school-



           Vice Principal.



           Whatever. As your boss, I’m telling you to put on your big

           boy pants and your big girl pants, and go back to work.



           One of them actually shit in his hand, and threw it at me.

           Like we’re at the zoo.



           They’re like little monkeys. No, no. They’re worse than

           monkeys. Monkeys don’t manipulate their little friends into

           putting thumbtacks on your chair or putting laxatives in

           your coffee. I still can’t take a shit without severe PTSD.



           The other day, a seven year old girl… just seven… came

           right up and punched me in the hoo-hah. Then just walked

           away, laughing like a little crazy person.



           Do you… do you really call it your hoo-hah?



           Shutup, Jerry.



           I can’t… I can’t go back out there. I can’t face them!



           Look at the two of you! Cowering in the corner like

           frightened marmots!





                                  A military march plays. Beth steps

                                  downstage for a direct address.



           Where’s your courage? Is there no fight left in you? For

           generations our predecessors faced this fight with eyes

           wide open, and yard sticks at the ready. They walked right

           into the lion’s den with their heads held high, no matter

           what those little monsters threw at them. Even shit. And

           they survived. They thrived! They went home every day,

           probably to a whiskey or two, but they went home. Now, are

           you gonna stand their and let a bunch of 1st graders get

           the best of you? Or will you stand up and fight for what’s

           yours? Will you?!


                                  Jerry stands up.



           I’ll go. I can do it. I mean, what could go wrong? They’re

           like, less than half my size. Right? Okay. Let’s go, Jerry.

           Let’s go. You got this.


                                  Jerry straightens his tie and runs


                                  We hear the sounds of CHILDREN, and

                                  then a SCREAM from Jerry. He runs back

                                  onstage. He doesn’t stop.



           I was wrong! I was wrong!


                                  He RUNS across the stage and exits. We

                                  hear a window SHATTER and a THUD.



           Oh my god, Jerry!



           It’s safety glass. We’re on the first floor. He’ll be fine.






           Alright, fine. If you go out there and do your job, I’ll

           give you two extra vacation days. No strings.



           Alright. And… I don’t wanna pay anything into the teacher

           coffee fund this month. Or next month.



           Free coffee?



           That’s right.



           Done. Now get your ass out there and inspire those young

           minds to learn!


                                  JERRY (OFF)




           Who am I kidding, just try to get through the day, okay?





                                  JERRY (OFF)

           I think I broke my cheek bone.


                                  Anna exits confidently.


                                                            LIGHTS OUT.