BARISTA, maniacal, cackling, wearing obvious wizard hat. – Hande

SHELLIE, basic, likes money – Puja

JASON, power-crazed, first class a** – Puja

BRYNN, well put together CEO – Puja

Setting: Cafe inside a building downtown

 

BARISTA

Coffee? A dash of cream? A pinch of my blackened soul? Muahahaha! Come, sheep, come and imbibe my will. Baah, baah.(Rubs hands together maniacally) Ohh. Who have we here?

SHELLIE

Yeah, Hi. I’ll have one shot of espresso. Whatever it takes to get ya through the day. 3 meetings in a row when I get back upstairs. Whatever it takes for that Victorian in Dolores Park, right?

BARISTA

Why yeees, that “Victorian in Dolores Park.” Fascinating! Let me see (looks deeply into eyes) Investor relations at a fast-paced “tech” startup?

SHELLIE

Ohh my god. Gestures gun to head. Kill me now! Amirite?

BARISTA

Why yeees. Yees of course.

 

(Barista spins away from Shellie towards side counter)

 

Aside

Behold! One shot of espresso and the forces of darkness imposed upon your mortal sheepness! Muahahaha. 4 pinches of empathy! Te-he-he. 2 drops of soul! Te-he-he. Hmmm. A dash of humility! Yees, my pet. Baaah.

(Barista spins back towards Shellie)

 

One shot of espresso like she ordered.

SHELLIE

You are a lifesaver.(Shoots espresso). Oh, I don’t know. It all feels so wrong. We’re not doing anything important! We build these clickbait products then scale, scale until the big pay day. I can’t take it anymore.

BARISTA

Where is all the meaning?(Aside)Baaah.

SHELLIE

I knew you would understand. This is insanity. I can’t go back up there. That’s it! I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to join that non-profit and bring free health services to low income schools!

BARISTA

(Aside) There go the investors! (Back to Shellie) Yees, go. Go and change the world!

SHELLIE

I’m gonna go change the world! (Exits Stage).

BARISTA

Yees, my pet, yees. Go into the world. Unleash my blackened barista will. Muahahaha. A latte? A macchiato? A dash of total subservience to my every command! Submit to the darkness of my soiled soul. Come, pets, come. Baah, baah, black sheep. Ohhh. Who have we here?

(Jason enters stage talking on phone)

JASON

(Into phone) Don’t fuck with my bottom line, Jack.

(Looks up to Barista) Cold brew, bro.

(Into phone) PTO? There is no PTO when we’re behind. This isn’t a charity.

BARISTA

(Barista spins away to side)

Cold brew? But I’m already so chilled by your bottom line! 7 pinches of empathy! A-hahaha. Make it ten. And…8 drops of la compassión! Nobody expects la compassión! 10 doses of…childish wonder! And…4 pinches of puppy dog. Bark, bark.

(Barista spins back to Jason, hands him the cold brew)

JASON

(into phone) Then fire her. I don’t care if she’s pregnant. This isn’t a daycare.

 

(Takes gulp of cold brew). Have you considered work-life balance? Or peanut butter? This calls for drastic measures. Jack, I want you to freeze production until we have a mindfulness plan. Bark, bark.

(Looks up) Thank you so much, sir. You are a true bar’tista. Bark, bark. I love peanut butter!

BARISTA

Don’t we all!(Aside) There goes product! How delightful! Te-he-he.

JASON

(Pulls out money)Here, this should cover the next hundred customers. This place is even better than the park! Bark. (Exits stage barking)

BARISTA

Muahahaha. Baaaah, baaah, black sheep have you any of my will? Yes, sir, yes, sir three mochas full. And one fast-paced tech startup down! Te-he-he. All in a day’s work. Come my pets, come. Come one, come all. Cold brew? Coffee? A dash of cream? It won’t cost a thing. Just a dose of total control of your mortal soul muahahaha. Ohh. Who have we here?

(Brynn strides on stage in a huff)

 

BRYNN

You!

BARISTA

Oh. Te-he-he. What can I get the fine lady? (Aside) This one’s a doozy!

BRYNN

You can get the fuck out of here and stop serving up lattes from the goddamned funny farm to my company.

BARISTA

Oooh. Ahh. Te-he-he. Would a latte to go suit her fancy?

BRYNN

You think I don’t recognize your little stunt? (Pulls hat off of Barista.) Hello, I’ve known you for ten years, Cassidy!

BARISTA

(Huffy, growly) Brynn!

BRYNN

You think you can take my company down with a few lattes? I’ll destroy you!

BARISTA

You mean like that time you stole my idea and turned it to shit! You turned it into clickbait, Brynn.

BRYNN

Boo-hoo. Someone can’t handle the competition. Why don’t you go on up to my product meeting. They’re having a happy, cuddly gratefulness circle. Isn’t that fun?

BARISTA

Seriously? From one dose of ecstacy? What are they, 23?

BRYNN

Yeah, Cass. They’re fuckin’ 23.

BARISTA

(Grabs two cups)Ah Shit. Beat. We better get up there. We’re gonna need two doses of ecstasy for this.

BRYNN

Shit! Better make it three.

(Barista nods, adds another dose to the cups. Brynn and Barista clink glasses.)

BRYNN and BARISTA

Bottoms up.

Begin to exit

 

BRYNN

You know, we are looking for a CTO?

Lights Out

 

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