Eli – Mark Vashro

Sal – Jesse Lumb

Directed by Melanie Bandera-Hess

Heavy Lifting

(Two chairs. SAL is sitting in one of them. ELI off-stage. The actors should be in their 20’s – early 30’s.)

ELI (off-stage)

Are you gonna help me, or what?

SAL

I’m not moving from this spot.

ELI

Asshole.

(SAL just smiles. Sounds of ELI trying to lift something really heavy.)

SAL

You’ll never lift that.

ELI

Not alone I won’t. Get your ass over here.

SAL

I’m not moving from this spot.

(Sounds of ELI dropping something heavy.)

ELI

FUCK! Fuck-fuck-fucking-fuck!

SAL

I told you so.

(ELI enters sucking on a hurt thumb.)

ELI

Thanks for the help.

SAL

Anytime.

ELI

Asswipe.

SAL

Awwww, are you sulking?

ELI

You know what I hate?

SAL

Oh, please… I know EVERYTHING you hate.

ELI

I hate people who say “I told you so.”

SAL

And I hate whiners. Sit down. Take a load off.

(ELI sits slowly – painfully.)

Did you pull something? Need me to get you a pillow?

ELI

Fuck off.

SAL

Sweet-talker. You kiss your mama with that mouth?

(ELI gives SAL a look.)

Rest. You’ll lift it next time.

ELI

Not without help, I won’t.

SAL

Sure you will. Have faith. (ELI snorts.) I have faith.

ELI

Since when?

SAL

In YOU.

ELI

Oh.

SAL

I ran into Trudy today. She’s thinking of throwing a great big shindig.

ELI

What for?

SAL

I’ll give you a hint: 60. Years.

ELI

What? Really? (whistles) 60 years? That’s like – what – HALF your age?

SAL

Dick-breath.

ELI

But you don’t look a day over a hundred.

SAL

Says the man who can’t lift a stupid little –

ELI (cutting him off)

60 years. Wow. Three generations.

SAL

Right? Most of ‘em don’t last to – what? 25, 30?

ELI

If that. (a beat) Huh. 60 years. I’ll be damned. Well, tell Trudy to knock herself out. I won’t be attending.

SAL

Oh, come on. You have to. For Trudy. Don’t be such a curmudgeon.

ELI

I’m not a curmudgeon. You know I hate shit like that.

SAL

I know what you hate.

ELI

So you say.

SAL

People who say “I told you so.” I also know what you secretly love.

ELI

What’s that?

SAL

Attention.

ELI

Fucker. Do not.

SAL

Do so. (a beat) So I can tell her you’ll be there?

ELI

No! You may not. And stop changing the subject. I’m still mad at you.

SAL

What for?

ELI

For hanging me out to dry just now. Damn.

SAL

If I had tried to help you just now, you would be yelling at me for getting in your way. Instead, you’re yelling at me for not getting in your way.

ELI

I’M NOT YELLING AT YOU!

(SAL gives him a look.)

…Much.

(SAL smiles. ELI, begrudgingly, smiles too. A pause.)

SAL

How’s your thumb?

ELI

I’ll survive.

SAL

Goodie.

ELI (elbowing SAL)

No thanks to you.

SAL (elbowing him back)

Douche bag.

ELI

Just a few more minutes and I’ll try again.

SAL

Do you think you should? Are you up to it? Should I get your walker?

ELI

I’m going to hurt you in a minute.

SAL

You know what I hate?

ELI

No, but I have a feeling I’m going to find out…

SAL

Pre-shredded cheese.

ELI

That’s . . . awfully . . . random.

SAL

It’s just lazy. Would it take so much for people to grab a cheese grater and a block of cheese and grate their own…? NOOOoooooo. People have to buy pre-packaged crap. We should ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.

ELI (laughing in spite of himself)

Holy mother of God! You’re EVIL! That’s just…terrible! What a groaner.

SAL

Gotcha.

ELI

You know, puns really are the lowest form of wit. Just like buns are the lowest form of wheat.

SAL

Ouch…

ELI

Two can play that game. Take that!

SAL

But I still win.

ELI

Yes, you do. (a beat) I can never stay mad at you.

SAL

Goodie.

ELI

You know why?

 

SAL

Because I make you laugh?

 

ELI

Because when I look at you… I still see the same young man I fell in love with 60 years ago.

(SAL tries to get up, ELI helps him stand up.)

SAL

You haven’t aged a single day in my eyes, either. Now are you gonna go fix that mail-box, or what?

ELI

Someone’s got to. Are you going to help?

SAL

No.

ELI

Asshole.

SAL

I love you, too. You’ve got this. You don’t need me. I’d only be in the way.

(ELI exits.)

ELI

All right… (muttering to himself) I think if I can get better leverage… Let’s get this figured out here… I used to be able to do this, come on…

(We hear him straining under the weight, and then…a whoop of triumph.)

Ha-HA! Take that!

SAL

I told you so.

END

Advertisement