LIGHTS UP ON:
A restaurant dining table with three
chairs. A candle sits in the middle of
the table, as well as a basket of
breadsticks. It’s fancy.
TOMMY and JON sit at the table.
They’re conjoined twins, dressed in a
large unitard and fishnets. Their make
up and lashes are over the top.
TOMMY
No, you shut up.
JON
I’m not doing this right now.
TOMMY
No. YOU shut up.
JON
Shut up, Tommy. Don’t ruin this for me.
TOMMY
You shut up. No You shutup. No YOU shutup. Shutup! No you!
YOU! Shut up.
JON
I wonder why she’s so late. She looked punctual in her
tinder profile. Tommy! Stop DOING that!
TOMMY
Sorry.
SHAWNA hurries in.
SHAWNA
Oh my god, I’m sorry I’m so late. My FUCKING Über driver is
probably the slowest driver on the PLANET. AND he took two
wrong turns.
TOMMY
Doesn’t make him right.
Crickets.
TOMMY
Amiright?
JON
Goddamnit, Tommy…
SHAWNA
Holy shit, you guys look like you’re ready to paint the
town!
JON
Oh. Sorry. We just got off work. We’re, uh, burlesque
dancers down at Totsy’s. They have a “Freaks and Geeks”
show every Friday. The audience loves twins.
SHAWNA
So do I…
Shawna has a sudden realization.
SHAWNA
Oh my god. You’re not just twins… you’re… uh… Siame-
JON
Conjoined. It’s conjoined.
TOMMY
Conjoined. It’s conjoined.
SHAWNA
Do you guys always talk in unison like that?
JON
Not always.
TOMMY
Not always.
JON
Will ya knock that off? I swear to god. I’m sorry, I have
to apologize for not warning you about being conjoined. And
for my idiot brother. Anyway… so if I haven’t frightened
you off, would you like to join me for dinner?
SHAWNA
Just you?
JON
Uh, yeah. I mean, you swiped right on my tinder profile.
SHAWNA
Well, sure. I guess. Um, how do we…
JON
Oh, he just puts on headphones. It’ll be like he’s not even
here. Tommy! Headphones!
TOMMY
Alright, alright.
Tommy produces a pair of over the ear
headphones and tries to put them on,
but can’t. Jon has to help with his
free hand. It’s a disaster.
JON
Just, stop pulling!
TOMMY
You’re pulling.
JON
Goddamnit, Tommy, I will kill you!
TOMMY
You can’t! I have the liver!
SHAWNA
Let me help.
Shawna places the headphones on.
SHAWNA
There. You’re all set.
Tommy clicks the iPod in his pocket
and begins moving his head to the
beat, munching on breadsticks.
JON
I’m really sorry about that. Let’s get a bottle of wine,
huh? Where’s the waiter?
SHAWNA
Yeah, usually by this point someone would have checked in.
JON
It’s almost as if we’re the only three people in this whole
restaurant.
They slowly look to the audience, then
back to each other.
SHAWNA
You know, I’m actually really interested in burlesque
dancing. I’ve been to a bunch of shows here in SF. I even
thought about trying it out myself once or twice.
TOMMY
(loudly)
Where’s the waiter?
SHAWNA
Look, I was wondering if you… could maybe indulge a
little fantasy of mine? Maybe give me a little private
show?
JON
In a restaurant, with all these people?
They look to the audience again, and
back. Jon knocks the headphones off
Tommmy’s head.
TOMMY
Ow, dude! What the hell?
JON
She wants to see one of our routines.
TOMMY
Yeah she does. You like it, don’t you?
SHAWNA
Oh, you have no idea.
Music comes from seemingly nowhere.
The TWINS get up.
TOMMY
Yo DJ, turn that shit UP!
They perform a terribly uncoordinated
dance number. Falling over each other
at the end.
SHAWNA
Holy shit. You’re not just twins, which is usually my
“thing”, ya know? But you’re conjoined burlesque-dancing
twins. This is like, like my unicorn. Like, how could I
ever top this? I don’t even want to get dinner anymore. You
guys wanna head back to my place?
JON
Just so we’re clear. You wanna…
SHAWNA
Uh huh.
JON
With both of us?
SHAWNA
Oh yeah.
TOMMY
At the same time?
JON
Yes, at the same time. Idiot.
TOMMY
You can just do it with him, if ya want. Just gimme those
headphones and cover me with a sheet. Just like college.
SHAWNA
Oh no, I want the whole package.
TOMMY
(eating a breadstick)
Right on.
JON
Dude, you’re okay with this?
TOMMY
Yeah, man. I haven’t been laid in a while. And I’ve seen
your dick, like, a thousand times.
JON
True.
TOMMY
We’re in!
JON
Goddamn it, Tommy…
LIGHTS FADE.
Art and Music in Our Souls 