LIGHTS UP ON:
ALEX. He wears thick, hastily
manufactured padding on his arms,
torso, and legs. He carries a large
padded stick that resembles a
broadsword, as well as a flashlight.
Alex looks very, very lost.
ALEX
Hey babe?
He looks around some more. He gets no
response.
ALEX
Baaaaaaabe? Where’d ya go?
We hear STEPH yelling.
STEPH (OFF STAGE)
I’m over here!
ALEX
Over where? Babe?!
STEPH (OFF STAGE)
Here! Next to this giant fuckin’ bush or shrub or whatever.
ALEX
Uh, that’s a tree.
STEPH (OFF STAGE)
Whatever. And stop calling me babe. It’s so basic.
ALEX
I’ve been callin’ you babe for like, three years.
STEPH (OFF STAGE)
I know! I just let you keep saying it because it was
easier.
ALEX
We have got to work on our communication skills. You know,
I was watching “The View” the other day, and Whoopi was
saying-
Steph BURSTS onstage. She is also
covered in pillow and duct-tape armor.
Her face is covered in scratches.
STEPH
Fuck. Whoopi.
ALEX
Babe, you’re kinda… I mean… your face…
STEPH
What?! What about my face?
ALEX
Uh… it’s… beautiful? Also, Whoopi is a national
treasure, okay?
She glares at him.
STEPH
It’s been three hours on this stupid fucking mountain. Can
you just admit that you’re lost?
ALEX
I am not lost. I just haven’t used my divining spell to
figure out exactly where we are. Besides, being lost in the
woods can be romantic, right?
STEPH
I’m going home.
ALEX
Oh yeah? Yeah? Which way is home?
Steph looks around, then to the sky.
STEPH
According to the moon… that way?
ALEX
Oh, so now you’re an expert on celestial navigation.
STEPH
Whatever. Like you know.
ALEX
Babe-
Steph glares at him.
ALEX
I thought this was gonna be fun. You. Me. Making a long
trek up Mount Tam for the largest LARP tournament in
California history? It’s exciting. It’s romantic. It’s-
STEPH
There are about fifteen things I could say right now, but
for some crazy reason, I love you, so I’m only gonna say
the one: Take. Me. Home.
ALEX
Technically that’s three things…
STEPH
Oh. My God.
She attacks him with her giant padded
battle-axe.
ALEX
Hey! Whoa!
They fight with their padded weapons.
ALEX
You’re… you’re actually pretty good at this!
STEPH
Two years of kendo at community college, bitch!
They continue fighting. She hits him
in the groin with the handle of her
axe.
ALEX
Babe! Why?
STEPH
(hitting him with every word)
Stop… calling… me… BABE!
ALEX
Sorry. Steph. Please. Let’s find our way to the top of this
mountain. We’re almost there. I have… I have something
really special planned.
She backs off, catching her breath.
STEPH
I know.
ALEX
You do?
STEPH
I saw the ETSY shop full of wedding rings on your laptop.
You really need to learn how to hide your browsing history.
ALEX
What… what else did you see?
STEPH
Oh I saw enough. You’re lucky you’re cute, because some of
that shit-
She gags.
ALEX
So, you knew I was gonna propose? And you still came with
me tonight?
STEPH
Uh huh.
ALEX
But you hate the woods.
STEPH
I do.
ALEX
And LARPing.
STEPH
With every fiber of my being.
ALEX
Wow. You must really love me.
STEPH
(sighs)
Unfortunately.
Alex gets down on one knee.
ALEX
Stephanie Ann Doblowsky, will you make me the happiest man
in the seven kingdoms of Denarum?
STEPH
How about this. Get us off this godforsaken mountain-
ALEX
It’s really more of a big hill-
STEPH
Alex!
ALEX
Sorry.
STEPH
Get me off this mountain, take me to a fancy dinner, get me
tipsy on sparkling wine, and then ask me.
ALEX
Okay.
STEPH
Yeah?
ALEX
You gonna say yes?
STEPH
ALEX!
ALEX
Okay, okay…
STEPH
Now. Which way do we go to get off this fucking hill?
ALEX
First, we need to find a stone fruit.
STEPH
What? Why?
ALEX
It’s an ingredient for my divining spell. I mean, how else
am I gonna get us home, amiright?
Steph walks offstage.
STEPH
Help! HELP! Anyone?! We’re lost, and my fiancé is an idiot
nerd! HEEEEEELP!
ALEX
You said “fiancé”.
STEPH
UGHN.
LIGHTS OUT.
Art and Music in Our Souls 