Directed by Melissa Haines

With Jayme Catalano, Hilda Louise Roe & Hermosa Mohican

LIGHTS UP ON:

AMELIA, a vampire dressed in a

bathrobe and bedroom slippers. HELEN,

mid-40s, is kneeling on the ground,

inspecting the flooring. She wears

coveralls. There are body parts and

upturned furniture strewn about.

HELEN

Yep, I can see your problem right here.

AMELIA

Yeah, and what’s that?

HELEN

Well, ya got blood in your grout, here, and here… and…

well, everywhere really. And that ain’t easy to clean up.

AMELIA

Is that gonna be a problem? I need this place to be

spotless by sunrise.

HELEN

Well, we can do it. But it ain’t gonna be cheap.

AMELIA

How much?

HELEN

I’m gonna have to charge you double my original quote.

AMELIA

Double?!

HELEN

Hey, you hired me to clean up after a “party”. Party don’t

mean blood and guts in the grout of an ancient Aztec

temple. A bar mitzvah is a party. Cinco de Mayo is a party.

This-

Helen lifts a sheet that’s covering a

body.

HELEN

-and just what in thee hell is this thing? It looks like a

giant bat fucked someone’s Grandma and then exploded.

MICHELLE, mid-20s, enters. She’s also

wearing coveralls. She sees the thing

under the sheet.

MICHELLE

Helen, I got your favorite cleaning spra- Oh my god. Oh my

GOD!

Michelle runs offstage to vomit.

HELEN

Michelle, darlin’, when you’re done pukin’, could you also

bring me my squeegee? It’s in the blue bin in the back of

the van.

We hear sounds of vomiting.

HELEN

Thank you, darlin’.

(to Amelia)

It’s her first week.

AMELIA

So can ya clean this place up by dawn or not? I have a

realtor coming to do a property assessment.

HELEN

Sure, sure. Our slogan is “We Clean Anything. Anything.”

Pretty catchy, right?

AMELIA

Not really.

MICHELLE enters, squeegee in hand. She

tries not to look at, well, anything.

MICHELLE

What the hell happened in here? I thought we were supposed

to be cleaning up a party, not the Manson family reunion.

AMELIA

Does it matter? I’m paying you double not to ask any

questions.

HELEN

No, you’re paying us double because this job is a shit

show.

MICHELLE

Boss, boss! Ask her if I can keep one of those big rigs out

there! I’ve always wanted to drive an 18-wheeler. When we

went on road trips when I was little, we used to try to get

truck drivers to honk their horn, and-

HELEN

No, rookie. You don’t get a truck. And you! You’d better

tell me what the hell happened here, before I take a match

to the whole place and walk away.

Amelia is suddenly directly facing

Helen, a few inches from her face.

AMELIA

NO. You won’t.

HELEN

No, I won’t.

AMELIA

You’ll do the job for the original price, and you won’t ask

questions.

HELEN

-won’t ask questions…

AMELIA

Good. Now get to cleaning.

HELEN

-get to cleaning…

MICHELLE

Ummm, are you a Jedi or something?

AMELIA

A what?

MICHELLE

Oh, you have a little bit of blood on your mouth… and,

you know… your teeth are kinda pointy… oh my god, boss!

She’s not a Jedi!

HELEN

No shit.

MICHELLE

She’s a vampire. This was her… her…

AMELIA

Coven?

MICHELLE

Yeah, her coven! We gotta get the hell outta here, boss!

HELEN

I’ve never walked away from a job, rookie. I was a janitor

at a frat house in the 80’s. I’ve seem some shit. Some real

shit. Compared to that, this is a cakewalk. So, are you

gonna nut up and help me, or are you gonna quit and walk

away in shame?

MICHELLE

You can’t tell a woman to “nut up”. That used to be okay,

but it’s 1996. The patriarchy is totally on its way out.

HELEN

Help me clean this place, or I swear to Christ I’ll leave

you in this godforsaken desert with this idiot vampire.

MICHELLE

Fine. I’ll stay and help. But I’m not happy about it. Also

your van smells like a monkey shat day-old ricotta cheese

into the air conditioning.

HELEN

Yeah, I know. (beat) Now, do ya’ll have a wet/dry shop vac?

AMELIA

No, why?

HELEN

How can you have giant blood orgies in a stonework temple

and not have a wet/dry vac? How do you normally clean this

place up? Paper towels and hope?

AMELIA

The head of our coven used some kind of magic to clean it.

HELEN

Well, where is she? I mean, I’m a great cleaner, but I

ain’t magic.

AMELIA

She died in an attack last night. They all did. I was in

the bathroom. IBS.

MICHELLE

Awwww, thats terrible! Isn’t that just awful, boss? Her

whole family, just gone. So sad.

HELEN

Yeah, I’m reeeeeal torn up about it. Say, why aren’t

you… ya know…

AMELIA

Draining you of all your blood?

HELEN

Yeah, that.

AMELIA

To be honest, I’m pretty stuffed. I had a teenager, two

truckers, and a preacher before you showed up.

HELEN

Aaaaand…

AMELIA

And the first cleaning crew I hired.

HELEN

There it is. Honesty. It looks good on ya. So, kid. How ya

figure we should tackle this one?

She lifts the sheet again, Michelle

makes a beeline for the exit. We hear

puking again.

HELEN

Don’t puke on my van, rookie!

LIGHTS OUT

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